If last weeks ultrasound was the one where they kindly used a scalpel to cleanly slice open my chest and electroshock my heart and then neatly stitched me back together, then yesterdays ultrasound was the one where they ripped open my healing wounds with their bare hands giving no mind to the damage the tearing would do.
I don't want it to seem like they are all big bullies at the hospital they are really very kind. They have so much compassion and empathy and are so willing to talk and answer as many questions as we have. They are very detailed and patient. They are so kind but that doesn't change the fact that what they are telling me isn't what I want to hear. Its not how they are telling me that is ripping me in two, it is what they are telling me, and the fact that there is not a single thing I or they or anyone else on this earth can do to change the facts.
When they first diagnosed baby with Hydrops and Cystic Hygroma and told us all the reasons that could have caused it they said because of what they could see it was most likely a chromosomal abnormality. One of the other causes would have been a heart defect. Even when the elderly start having heart problems one of the common symptoms is that they will begin to retain fluid in the body and start to swell. They weren't able to see any problems with the Heart last week. Well at yesterdays visit they did see... our baby has a heart defect where the left side of the heart is not functioning properly. It is not fully developed and is smaller and less productive then the right. They still believe that the baby has a chromosomal abnormality too. They also weren't able to definitively find a bladder and if what they found was a bladder it was much too small which meant that it wasn't being used, the baby should be urinating already. That was a big contributor to the fact that the baby doesn't have any fluid around it in the sack(not sure I mentioned that in previous post but there is no amniotic fluid surrounding the baby)... The amniotic fluid around the baby is what the baby uses to practice breathing, it coats the inside of the baby's lungs and helps to develop them. Well if the baby never practices using its lungs and if there is no fluid coating the lungs when it is born they will instantly collapse and the baby will never take its first breath.
Basically if A is hydrops and B is cystic hygroma and C is the heart defect and D is the lack of functioning kidneys and bladder and if E is never developing functioning lungs then ... if A didn't kill the baby then B would probably kill the baby and if B didn't then C probably would and if C didn't then D probably would and if D didn't then E most definitely would.... any one of these problems could be potentially fatal to any child but our baby has all of them.
The doctor said that they would probably give the baby a week or two before the heart would just stop beating. They said I could still run some test if I wanted, if that would make the decision to induce labor now easier with a definitive answer. I could just wait and see what happens because they didn't think it would be much longer now. We could come up with a game plan so that if the baby does continue to live that by point x in the pregnancy we would induce because it would be easier on my body to deliver a baby that wasn't term... aka why put your body through pushing out an 8 lbs baby when its not going to do the baby any good.... If we do decide to just wait and let nature take its course I would be put on high risk and be monitored quite frequently because I could develop a condition know as mirror syndrome where my body would begin to mirror that which is happening to my baby, I would start to retain fluid and basically develop a form of toxemia.
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Where do I even begin?!?!?!
I am ANGRY! at this point as I am leaving the dr office I am so incredible angry. Im not angry at the drs or angry at the world or angry at my body or even angry at God... but I am so so so angry! im so mad! Why? Why? why any more things wrong. Why do I have to wake up still battling my problems with HG and take two medications a day and still feel like vomiting every single moment of every day? Why if its for nothing! I can barely stand being as sick as I am knowing im going to get something out of it at the end, there are still moments when its so hard that I cry out that I cant to it anymore and that's when I was under the impression I was going to cuddle my sweet little baby in just a few months time..... Now what? Why wake up every day wishing I could just die for NOTHING! Why is this happening! Don't I go through enough and sacrifice enough just to bring these sweet little spirits here to earth! Haven't I proven enough that I would do ANYHING to bring these babies here! I would do ANYTHING!! Anything........ anything..... But there is nothing! I have nothing....
What can I even bargain with the Lord? I feel like a child who has gone into the cookie jar to take to her father in hopes of buttering him up to give her some huge gift that she wants..... All the while HE is the one that owns the cookie jar, who made the cookie, who bought the items to make the cookie.... all the while I am bringing him what is already his in an attempt to what??? exchange with the lord!?! I have nothing that he doesn't already have.... he owns everything. he owns my very soul and I have already given him my devotion for all of my days so what then do I have left to plead my cause.
Its not like what I found out at the doctors is really going to change much. It doesn't make it any worse really... my baby is dying as much this week as it was last week. I guess it was just the salt in an old wound.
What am I supposed to do now?
Honestly what am I supposed to DO? How am I supposed to feel? What do I say to my children when they ask if the baby is still sick? How do I respond when they kiss my belly and say love you baby or when they pray for baby to get better in every one of their prayers. What am I supposed to say to myself when my head and my heart cry out "Is there no hope then"? What am I preparing for now? Do I cling to the chance of a miracle? Do I prepare mentally for the next dr visit when I go in and they cant find a heartbeat? Do I keep waking up everyday vomiting and going about feeling like every cell in my body is dying to sustain a body that will never come to be? What am I supposed to DO?
I still feel this baby moving inside of me! It is still with me! It is still alive! As if by some crewel fate I must be tricked into thinking all is well.... No one understands... no one gets it... MY BABY is in there. with me more then any other person is with me... and when I lay awake alone at night crying into my pillow, my baby is there to keep me company... how could something that is so real and so close be SO very far away? How is it I will hold this child in my womb but may never hold it in my arms? How does a heart ever heal!?!
D&C 121:7 and 8 read.. My {daughter}, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes....
Do I really believe there is a God in heaven? Do I really believe that there is an after life? Do I really believe that God loves me? Would he really care about me? Am I going to "endure it well"?
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I guess yes is all that I can say... my faith feel so weak right now? It feels so thin and frail. But I know there is a God in Heaven . and if there is a God in heaven then he is perfect. and if he is perfect then he loves me as much as I love my baby. and if he loves me he will be there when my baby returns home to him... and he will be there when I fall apart... and he will be there to hug me when I finally make it to the other side. Because one of these is true they must all be true... my faith maybe thin and it may be frail but it is true!
If I believe in God then I must believe that he has given his children use of his power through the works of the priesthood. And I believe with all my heart that the priesthood is the power of God.... do you get it? The very Power of God! I must cling to that faith that I was blessed through the power of God. I Was Not blessed to be relieved of this trial. I Was Not blessed that my child would be healed. I Was Not blessed that my child would ever live a day outside of my womb... But I Was blessed that I would get a chance to raise this baby, among with other miracles. I was blessed that I would know that there is a God in heaven and that he is mindful of me and my baby and that he loves me. and I do!
So what do I DO now... I don't really know.... but I found comfort in this song... I hope you listen to it all the way through and you will know better how I feel.. this couple was pregnant and the baby was diagnosed "incompatible to live" whatever that means... it seems similar.... they chose to continue with the pregnancy and wrote this song as an outcome...
https://youtu.be/Joid0xTI-Wk
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