This week...... oh this week..... Lorenzo and I sat in Sunday school today and the teacher asked if we remember what the lesson was on last week. We just started at each other! We could remember of course but how could that have only been a week ago? It was a lifetime ago... It was another life ago... We are now different people all within the short span of a week.
The days since we received our Priesthood blessing we have felt all consuming peace! That very night I and every member in my family slept all night long. ALL NIGHT! This in and of itself is a miracle. I myself have woken up every night for the past few months and not been able to get back to sleep for hours just because I am so uncomfortable or my mind is racing. It has just become my new normal. There were angels abiding with us all through the night! And the next morning I didn't not wake with despair like I had the previous mornings. I did not tremble when Lorenzo left for work like I had the day before. I felt the strength of those unseen spirits with me... I physically as much as spiritually felt them around me. Our house had been transformed to be a place of peace, a temple, and a heaven on earth. I can actually say that I felt happy when I woke and as I went about my day, and the days to follow.
The hardest part we have been through lately is feeling bad for other people around us. We wish so much that they could feel the peace and hope that we feel. We were promised miracles, maybe not the miracle we want (our baby living a full life) but we were blessed with miracles non the less and we feel without a shadow of a doubt that we will see the hand of God work in our lives through this baby. Others that weren't there have lost sight of the fact that there is still hope. We often get questions that just make it seem like everyone has given up. I guess its not so much what people say but the way that they say it, as if there is no hope, as if this story is finished. I wish they could lean on our faith.
The other day as I was standing in the shower feeling the weight of those people on my shoulders. I don't know about you but sometimes the shower is the best place to just let it all out and have yourself a good cry. Maybe its just because as a mother its the only time and place I actually get to be alone and if I put my head under the water I can mostly drowned out the knocking at the door also. As I stood there I began a conversation with my Father in Heaven. I knew that he wasn't going to take this trial away from us. I also felt I knew that we were chosen long ago to go through this experience together. My pleas were not for me but for them and anyone else for that matter.
Dear Lord I already know I will serve thee all my life.... no matter the outcome Father I will praise thee all my days. But if I must suffer this trial, please let it not be in vain. Whatever the outcome please let it be one that will bring the most souls unto thee...
See I feel that is really our mission through this trial. I already know that it will strengthen our testimonies however I would and will serve my God no matter what happens. No matter if I ever get to see my baby take a breath, or open its eyes, or meet its siblings, or smile, or laugh, or cry, or call me mommy, ,no matter if all I ever get to feel is those little pokes and prods that come from deep within my belly, no matter the ending of this temporal story I will forever praise my father in heaven just for the chance to come so close to perfection. My only prayer now is that whatever the outcome, the lord may use the situation I am going through to strengthen the testimonies of others.
Don't get me wrong I want with all my soul for this baby to LIVE! live a full life. But if that is not what is to come of this I don't want this pain to be lost to just me. Sadly with my earthly eyes and knowledge I couldn't know what would be a better testament to the fact that there is a God in Heaven and that he loves us. I know that God is all knowing though and I have faith that he wants the same thing that I do.
You help me so much and you don't even know.
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