A labor of love

She would have been here..... She would have been a pumpkin, or a bunny, or tinkerbell, or Anna while her sister was Elsa. Honestly it doesn't matter what she would have been she would have been adorable. And she most likely would sleep through all 2 million pictures I took of her in her costume. 

They say that the first holidays are the hardest. I was honestly not prepared. I wasn't aware how much I had looked forward to this fist Holliday with a new baby. I'm sure many of you know I love dressing up and I didn't get to with her. I was unaware how much I wanted to spend this Holliday with Amirra until it's here and my heart is broken. 

4 months was a big one. Who am I kidding they are all big ones. But We wanted to make it a special one. I finally got all of the donations ready to be taken to the hospital. When I was pregnant with Amirra we had a few baby showers because "No life is too short to celebrate" and at these celebrations of life we spent the time crocheting and sewing baby beenies and cloth diapers for the micro preemies and angel babies born at the local hospital. 

I can't explain the feeling I got snipping the threads.  tucking the yarn. Pinning the diapers. I remember the time I spent crocheting them. The hopes I had to snug her up in them.

Those moments never came for me, but Lorenzo and I are now a part of a club that no one ever wishes to be inducted into, and we know the endless pain that comes along with it. It was such a painful joy to take these teeny tiny items to the hospital for other babies and parents in such pain. Just a little bit of color in the darkest of places. Just a little something In honor of our Sweet Princess Amirra Michelle!!! One way we are trying to love her longer than life. 

when your staring at the sky

I can't believe how beautiful the weather is outside. Its so perfect, and so are the colors.

we have been so busy lately. Homeschool and activities, friends and birthdays, parties and movie nights, snuggles and laughter. I swear there is never a dull moment. There is also not a moment I don't wish my beautiful Amirra was here with us... enjoying the fall. Its still so warm we could have her out without having to bundle her up. I bet she would love hiking as much as her brothers and sister does.

There are still tears, and sadness. Sometimes I catch myself laughing like I used to and it still feels a little weird. I think I have finally come to a place where I don't feel guilty about being happy though. Ive come to a place where I feel her more when I am happy then when I am sad. I know that the sad is for me and not for her. I know she wants so much for us to be happy. I know that because I want so much for her to be happy as well...

during the Lds general conference last weekend Elder Holland gave a talk entitled "behold thy mother".... oh man if you haven't heard or read it you most defiantly should... no matter you religious affiliation anyone who has or is a mother will absolutely feel uplifted.... and you'll probably want to call your mommy! anyways he talks about how our mothers not only bare us but continue to bare with us throughout all of our lives... He also says no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child. oh how true I feel that is.

 this part is my favorite:

Maternal love has to be divine. There is no other explanation for it. What mothers do is an essential element of Christ’s work. Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can [then] say with Jesus, ‘[Father!] I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.’¹¹ ”


I have thought over and over and over again this part. I still have 4 children. I know there are some people in the world that just wont be able to understand that but it is the truth! I am a mother of 4 now and forever. And at that last day will I be able to say "father i have finished the work which thou gavest me to do"? There are so many books on how to be a good mother. different tactics and philosophies. But how can i be a good mother to Amirra? I don't get to teach her or hold her, feed her or snuggle her. There is no crying solution or co sleeping. How can I show her my never ending love for her from so far away.

I'm not so sure I have the answer yet. and maybe it will be a different answer from day to day. But I am realizing that 1) I can be a good mother to Amirra by still living.

That is so hard to do... its so hard to remember how to breath.... remember to exhale. remember to laugh every once in a while. remember that honoring her doesn't mean that I never have joy again. How silly to think that she is up in heaven moping around wishing she was here. I can only imagine that she is so so joyful.... and so so busy...

along those lines comes my realization number 2) I can help her. I am still her mother! I will always be her mother and I will bare and continue to bare with her all the days of my life. I choose to believe that she is continuing her mission in the celestial realm. And I have no doubt there will be times that she will need me, here on this side of the veil,, to assist her in her duties. I know that I can do things for her still. I can be the shoulder to cry on for a soul that she was sent to comfort. I can be the example to the person she was sent to inspire. I can do my genealogy and temple work for those that she is tirelessly up there teaching. I did and will bare, bore, carry, support... anything. I will be her mother here on earth until I once again get to be the mother that hugs her goodnight!

Life is really hard... even when its busy.... but I still have 3 other children that need me. And i am trying so hard to see the joy that Life can posses. In the small and simple things. Its so hard to move forward when you are staring at the sky.....




 but maybe one day all of my children will as it says in Prov. 31:28 arise up, and call her blessed...
until then I will continue living and loving longer than life.