The truth about a Rainbow

So as many of you know Amirra is getting promoted to big sister. I don't know about you but I can't think of any better guardian angel than a big sister. I haven't shared a lot this pregnancy but as we are rounding the home stretch I feel like I'm ready to share a little bit. So here are a few truths about my "rainbow" baby.

A rainbow baby refers to the rainbow that comes after a storm. So many who have experienced loss, be it a  miscarriage or still born or infant loss, the baby that come after this experience is called a rainbow. Gods promise of renewed life. Of new beginnings. A bright splendid light that appears after the darkest of storms.

The truth however is that the storm isn't over that easily...

The truth is if you find yourself pregnant by surprise you are immediately set into a panic. You weren't planning on this. You don't even know if you want this. How are you going to deal with another loss, especially on that you didn't sign up for. How could you even begin to wrap your head or heart around another baby when you are still grieving the loss of you last child. How can you allow yourself to love again, it feels like such a betrayal.

The truth is if you are trying to conceive you doubt yourself from the beginning. Are you doing this for the right reason? What will people say? Will they think you are trying to replace your lost baby? Will they be supportive? Why would you want to put yourself through that again? How can you even hope for a good outcome when you know all the ways that your heart could be broken again? And also, it feels like such a betrayal... you should still be grieving you baby not looking forward to another one.

The truth is once that all sinks in and you give yourself a moment to accept that you are pregnant again the anxiety sets in. All the self doubt, all the what ifs, all the fears that you are just going to get hurt again. You anticipate every day that you will have a miscarriage, even if you have never had one before you are mentally and emotionally preparing yourself every single day for the loss that could possibly happen in just an instant. Every night, every morning, its exhausting. You spend your time equally divided between trying not to think about being pregnant so you don't get too attached and then feeling guilty that you aren't giving this baby as much love as you did the other.

Then you are faced with if and when you are going to tell people. You have all those what ifs play in your mind as well. What will they say. "oh how is this one going"(like I know) "oh are you going to loose this one" (like I know) "do you feel like this one will turn out better"(gosh I hope so) "wow you are brave to go for another one" (because I'm clearly defective)  OR there are the positive comments "I'm so excited for you" (how can you be I cant be)  "this baby will make it, I just know it" (please don't get my hopes up)  "you are such a brave woman" (honestly I  just stopped crying like ten min ago I'm not brave).... But eventually you get bigger than you an hide and the truth comes out.

The truth is that even then when you have hit half way the storm is not over..... You get test done and they come back negative and you sigh in relief and then panic for the ultrasound. You go to the ultrasound and you see through some black and white images and are assured that the alien form on the screen says everything is perfectly healthy and you sigh in relief and then you panic for the day that baby is born.

See in your recovery from you previous loss you went to countless support groups and have heard a huge list of other ways someone could lose a child. One lost the baby during delivery when there was a placenta abruption. another lost a baby when the baby was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around its neck. another lost a baby due to unknown causes a week before its due date. Another's baby died from sids. I could go on but you get the idea.... and all of those play in your head over and over and over and over...

The truth is once you start to feel that baby move it becomes real. you really have a life inside you! And you remember that being pregnant doesn't mean being a mommy in the end. Having a strong baby kicking you till your sore doesn't mean its strong enough to live.

The truth is it is an exhausting road, filled with a lot of doubt, and fear.... sometimes shame, and guilt.... at times anger and sadness.... but I must say it is also filled with HOPE....

Good gosh that is really all you can cling onto... Hope... hope that your baby will make it... Hope that others will be supportive.... Hope that you don't go completely loco in the mean time.... Hope that your heart doesn't get destroyed... again....

so here's to hoping the clouds will part, the sun will shine through, and I will get to meet and keep this little rainbow I have inside...

2 Years on this Path

Yesterday and today have been emotional ones for me... yesterday marked two years from our first ultrasound when they couldn't really tell us anything except that things didn't look good and we had to go to a specialist... Today marks two years from the heart breaking moment when they looked me in the eye and said that my baby was going to die. I didn't believe them. I didn't want to believe them. I had had 3 healthy babies and this one was going to live. This was the kind of thing that happened to OTHER people. You know stuff you read about from a friend of a friend on Facebook.(lol)

Two years ago we started on this heartbreaking path. There is no way in heaven or hell we would have chosen this path for ourselves. Yes, I am in a place where I can look back and see the blessings through the trial and the growth through the pain. but sometimes you just don't want to be a better person.

So now two years later it still hurts. I still find myself overwhelmed with sorrow and break down and cry while I'm tying someone's shoes, or sorting laundry, or driving to a practice, all because I wish I could be doing all of this for one more little riddle. I just want her here. And that still hurts. I don't think it will ever not hurt. and maybe its not supposed to. In all honesty I think something would be wrong if it didn't still hurt. But the hurt sucks and the longing never ends.

I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. I'm glad I was completely unaware of the train wreck fallowed by an atomic bomb and then poured over with acid that my heart would experience in the coming months. the coming years. I'm glad I didn't know everything that was going to happen because I would have lost all hope and in turn lost all reason to continue. I'm glad I was able to hope till the very end. and I'm so very greatful that the other side of the storm, though drawn out does come... it may sprinkle still from time to time but there are moments where the sun shines through.

Two years ago today my little family started on a 9 week road till the bitter end and the glorious eternal beginning. Our lives were forever changed that day for the worse and for the better. It was the beginning of this new life we live now. The life where we have a missing person at the table and in family pictures. The life where we pray for an angel and ask for protection from a guardian. The life where certain days hurt because of her absence and others are so special with the feeling of her near.
And as all of you know by now this life where we Love Longer than Life. and we always will.