We decided to stop going to the specialist. There really is nothing they can do for us at this point. There really isn't anything anyone can do for our little baby right now. Except maybe me I guess... just keep living. We decided to just keep going to our regular OBGYN.... He obviously doesn't see this a lot but he is so kind and can take as good, I think better, care of me then the other Dr's at the bigger hospital. At least this way it feels a little more personal. I also know him to be a man of God and that makes this a lot easier. No pressure from the "realist" docs to just get this over with. My doctor understands my desire to finish that which was set before me. He understands that there is a life and a spirit within me now and we chose not to play God because it isn't really playing out the way we want it to. All they can do for us now is make sure I'm not getting sick and keep checking weather or not there is still a heartbeat in there.... gah! you have no idea how heartbreaking that is! there is NOTHING anyone can do!?! With all the medical advances it just doesn't seem plausible! But this poor little baby is so.... broken.
Some days its so hard I feel like all I do is cry. You think at some point the tears would dry up, but they just keep coming.
This baby is becoming increasingly more active which makes it hard as well... Every time I feel it move my heart soars and my spirit breaks. Or is this that my spirit soars and my heart breaks..... either could be possible really!
I've had a lot of time to think lately, because honestly what else do I have going on in my life right now.... Anyways I've been thinking a lot about this huge trial in my life and how I honestly don't know how I can endure it. There are just no words to even express what its like.... I once said its like waiting for a train to hit you... you can see the lights coming but you cant run, you cant move, you cant even scream loud enough for anyone to hear you... all you can do is lay there and wait for the end to come. Its like waking up everyday and watching your baby die just to wake up and realize you have to live it all over again because it didn't die its just dying... you pray everyday for a miracle and yet try to prepare yourself emotionally for the chance that the miracle you are praying for doesn't come the way you want. Everyday is the best and worst day ever because I got another day to feel that little baby move inside me but I have to go to bed wondering if it will pass in the night as I'm dreaming about holding it.
Often time I tell Lorenzo "I just cant DO this" and yet here I am doing it anyways.... Sometimes I just feel so alone! Lorenzo is in this with me, feeling everything I feel except one thing... he feels it mentally and spiritually and emotionally but I'm the only one that feels it physically. I'm the only one that can physically endure this trial. And that feels so... lonely!
My thoughts are then turned to the savior.... Our Savior.... isn't that title so fitting, So accurate! My thoughts are turned to when he himself felt like "I just cant DO this" and then he did it anyways! Now hear me out im TOTALLY not trying to compare myself to the savior or what he went through. What my thoughts are turned to is there in gethsemane in his darkest hour when he literally felt everything I am feeling, every tear, ever pain, every remorse, and in that moment he cried out “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42) and then in the very next verse we read “And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.”
An angel sent from the courts of glory. An angel sent to assist, to support, to sustain the sinless Son of Man in the depths of his greatest agony. “The angelic ministrant is not named,” Elder Bruce R. McConkie wrote. “If we might indulge in speculation, we would suggest that the angel who came into this second Eden was the same person who dwelt in the first Eden. At least Adam, who is Michael, the archangel—the head of the whole heavenly hierarchy of angelic ministrants—seems the logical one to give aid and comfort to his Lord on such a solemn occasion. Adam fell, and Christ redeemed men from the fall; theirs was a joint enterprise, both parts of which were essential for the salvation of the Father’s children.” 21
Can you imagine the relationship these two must have had since the beginning of time.... they crated the world together! Would it be a stretch to think they were the best of friends? It almost seems to cliché of phrase... they were so much more then "best friends". I doubt there is a word to describe it in our language. But here, when he is atoning for EVERYTHING every person from Adam to the end of the earth has ever been through he is sent a comforter, not to take away the pain but just to BE there....
My thoughts have also turned a lot to the events that fallowed Gethsemane.
The sentence of death by crucifixion required that the condemned person carry the cross upon which he was to suffer. Jesus started on the way bearing His cross. The terrible strain of the preceding hours, the agony in Gethsemane, the barbarous treatment He had suffered in the palace of the high priest, the humiliation and cruel usage to which He had been subjected before Herod, the frightful scourging under Pilate’s order, the brutal treatment by the inhuman soldiery, together with the extreme humiliation and the mental agony of it all, had so weakened His physical organism that He moved but slowly under the burden of the cross. The soldiers, impatient at the delay, peremptorily impressed into service a man whom they met coming into Jerusalem from the country, and him they compelled to carry the cross of Jesus.{The account of Simon of Cyrene can be found in Mathew, Mark, and Luke, though little is said about him but that he was there and that he helped carry the cross.}
This man may not have been as close to him as Adam was but Christ knew him, Loved him, and atoned for his sins as well.... I often wonder to myself was the Savior of the world really so physically incapable of carrying his own cross? He was the son of God was he not? I wonder if it was because God had, I believe, at this point removed himself from Christ because it pained him so to see him suffer. Maybe he had to suffer more as a mortal at this point.?. I'm no scholar, nor am I a spiritual guru or profess to be able to even begin to grasp the full magnitude of everything that was going on.... what I do know is that it brings me comfort.
It brings me so much comfort to know that Christ suffered for every one of my sins, and every one of my pains, and every one of my heartfelt please with the father to "remove this cup from me" ... please God don't make me DO this! Take this away from me! He knows how that feels and God sent him Someone too.....
I may not have seen angelic spirits around me but I have felt them. "best friends" to my spirit that have come to me in my darkest moments. I also have those around me that now help to carry my cross... they may not be able to do more then call me, or text me, or clean my house, or pray for me, or just hold me as I cry, but they are those that have been sent to help me carry my cross. Physically I may be alone in this trial true, but I am not alone... I may have to be the one to DO this but I don't have to do it all alone. And even if all God can send is someone to sit with me in my agony somehow knowing that even the savior needed that in his worst moments brings me strength....
I cant begin to express how grateful I am to those around me who are helping me to bare this cross. You truly don't know how much you do just by the little things you do! So many people want to do so much, something magnificent but you just don't understand its in the small things.... like texting me to tell me your thinking of me, or dropping off paper goods so I don't have to do dishes.. that is how you are helping me to carry my cross... You just never know how much good you do and for that I am so thankful!
Please watch:
You never know how much good you do!
