The truth about a Rainbow

So as many of you know Amirra is getting promoted to big sister. I don't know about you but I can't think of any better guardian angel than a big sister. I haven't shared a lot this pregnancy but as we are rounding the home stretch I feel like I'm ready to share a little bit. So here are a few truths about my "rainbow" baby.

A rainbow baby refers to the rainbow that comes after a storm. So many who have experienced loss, be it a  miscarriage or still born or infant loss, the baby that come after this experience is called a rainbow. Gods promise of renewed life. Of new beginnings. A bright splendid light that appears after the darkest of storms.

The truth however is that the storm isn't over that easily...

The truth is if you find yourself pregnant by surprise you are immediately set into a panic. You weren't planning on this. You don't even know if you want this. How are you going to deal with another loss, especially on that you didn't sign up for. How could you even begin to wrap your head or heart around another baby when you are still grieving the loss of you last child. How can you allow yourself to love again, it feels like such a betrayal.

The truth is if you are trying to conceive you doubt yourself from the beginning. Are you doing this for the right reason? What will people say? Will they think you are trying to replace your lost baby? Will they be supportive? Why would you want to put yourself through that again? How can you even hope for a good outcome when you know all the ways that your heart could be broken again? And also, it feels like such a betrayal... you should still be grieving you baby not looking forward to another one.

The truth is once that all sinks in and you give yourself a moment to accept that you are pregnant again the anxiety sets in. All the self doubt, all the what ifs, all the fears that you are just going to get hurt again. You anticipate every day that you will have a miscarriage, even if you have never had one before you are mentally and emotionally preparing yourself every single day for the loss that could possibly happen in just an instant. Every night, every morning, its exhausting. You spend your time equally divided between trying not to think about being pregnant so you don't get too attached and then feeling guilty that you aren't giving this baby as much love as you did the other.

Then you are faced with if and when you are going to tell people. You have all those what ifs play in your mind as well. What will they say. "oh how is this one going"(like I know) "oh are you going to loose this one" (like I know) "do you feel like this one will turn out better"(gosh I hope so) "wow you are brave to go for another one" (because I'm clearly defective)  OR there are the positive comments "I'm so excited for you" (how can you be I cant be)  "this baby will make it, I just know it" (please don't get my hopes up)  "you are such a brave woman" (honestly I  just stopped crying like ten min ago I'm not brave).... But eventually you get bigger than you an hide and the truth comes out.

The truth is that even then when you have hit half way the storm is not over..... You get test done and they come back negative and you sigh in relief and then panic for the ultrasound. You go to the ultrasound and you see through some black and white images and are assured that the alien form on the screen says everything is perfectly healthy and you sigh in relief and then you panic for the day that baby is born.

See in your recovery from you previous loss you went to countless support groups and have heard a huge list of other ways someone could lose a child. One lost the baby during delivery when there was a placenta abruption. another lost a baby when the baby was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around its neck. another lost a baby due to unknown causes a week before its due date. Another's baby died from sids. I could go on but you get the idea.... and all of those play in your head over and over and over and over...

The truth is once you start to feel that baby move it becomes real. you really have a life inside you! And you remember that being pregnant doesn't mean being a mommy in the end. Having a strong baby kicking you till your sore doesn't mean its strong enough to live.

The truth is it is an exhausting road, filled with a lot of doubt, and fear.... sometimes shame, and guilt.... at times anger and sadness.... but I must say it is also filled with HOPE....

Good gosh that is really all you can cling onto... Hope... hope that your baby will make it... Hope that others will be supportive.... Hope that you don't go completely loco in the mean time.... Hope that your heart doesn't get destroyed... again....

so here's to hoping the clouds will part, the sun will shine through, and I will get to meet and keep this little rainbow I have inside...

2 Years on this Path

Yesterday and today have been emotional ones for me... yesterday marked two years from our first ultrasound when they couldn't really tell us anything except that things didn't look good and we had to go to a specialist... Today marks two years from the heart breaking moment when they looked me in the eye and said that my baby was going to die. I didn't believe them. I didn't want to believe them. I had had 3 healthy babies and this one was going to live. This was the kind of thing that happened to OTHER people. You know stuff you read about from a friend of a friend on Facebook.(lol)

Two years ago we started on this heartbreaking path. There is no way in heaven or hell we would have chosen this path for ourselves. Yes, I am in a place where I can look back and see the blessings through the trial and the growth through the pain. but sometimes you just don't want to be a better person.

So now two years later it still hurts. I still find myself overwhelmed with sorrow and break down and cry while I'm tying someone's shoes, or sorting laundry, or driving to a practice, all because I wish I could be doing all of this for one more little riddle. I just want her here. And that still hurts. I don't think it will ever not hurt. and maybe its not supposed to. In all honesty I think something would be wrong if it didn't still hurt. But the hurt sucks and the longing never ends.

I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. I'm glad I was completely unaware of the train wreck fallowed by an atomic bomb and then poured over with acid that my heart would experience in the coming months. the coming years. I'm glad I didn't know everything that was going to happen because I would have lost all hope and in turn lost all reason to continue. I'm glad I was able to hope till the very end. and I'm so very greatful that the other side of the storm, though drawn out does come... it may sprinkle still from time to time but there are moments where the sun shines through.

Two years ago today my little family started on a 9 week road till the bitter end and the glorious eternal beginning. Our lives were forever changed that day for the worse and for the better. It was the beginning of this new life we live now. The life where we have a missing person at the table and in family pictures. The life where we pray for an angel and ask for protection from a guardian. The life where certain days hurt because of her absence and others are so special with the feeling of her near.
And as all of you know by now this life where we Love Longer than Life. and we always will.

Missionary Mom

It's been well over a year now. In fact it's leaning closer to two. I wish I could say I'm super well adjusted to life after a loss but honestly it seems like each month I encounter a new trial associated with loosing a child and I have to learn a new way to breath again. Moving.... moving for instance brought a whole new set of pains I hadn't anticipated. Like the separation anxiety I feel at not being able to go to her graveside whenever I wanted because it was literally 4 min away. And then there's the whole meeting new people. The sweet families in our neighborhood that are only trying to get to know me when they ask "how many kids do you have" .... it's hard.... hard trying to balance the joy of her memory and the sadness of her loss.

Because I've been asked so much lately how many children I have I've had to really face how I'm going to answer that question. There's the easiest 3, which is how many I'm raising, or there's the complicated 4 that then gets followed by "what are their ages" .... why do ppl have to be so nice and want to be my friend lol. No in all honesty their kindness has been such a blessing. The real problem is why does this question have to be so complicated. It causes such stress and ptsd for me. I've honestly had panic attacks because either I'm worried I will get asked this question and not know what to say or I get asked the question and know what I should say but I just can't do it. It gets awkward for these poor strangers who are getting way more than they bargained for.

A few months ago with attending my churches young woman's Sunday school class. They had some moms in there that either currently had or had experienced sending a child off to a full time LDS mission. If your not familiar with these the jist of it is that our youth, generally 18 year old boys and 19 year old girls, chose to devote 18 months to 2 years of their life serving our Father in Heaven by spreading the gospel to people in diverse places... They pack few items and are shipped to where the Lord calls them. They put their lives on hold and devote every waking moment to the service of the people around them and the service of teaching all they can about our Lord Jesus Christ.

As I sat there listening to these sweet moms... some of which were right in the thick of missing the heck out of their babies I felt for them... I felt with them... they said things like "I miss him so much but I know he is where the Lord wants him to be" and "I know that she is blessing those she is serving more than anything she could be doing here right now" and "I really look forward to the next time they get to call or write and I look forward to finally getting to hug them again" ........ These sweet moms. How everything they said resonated with me... I too miss my sweet Amirra, I also know she is exactly where our father in heaven wants her to be. I feel strongly that she is serving more on that side then she would have been on this side... I too wait, so very impatiently, for the next time I get to feel her presence near. And on some days I still remember what it feels like to want to die just so I can hold her in my arms once more time.

I gained both strength and pain from this experience... I was so saddened that they got that sweet reunion with their missionaries. Those precious youth served their 18 months and then went home to the moms who's arms were acing to hold them. I was strengthened because I now had a response to that tough question of "how many kids do you have, how old are they, where's the 4th one"?

Now I simply say I have 4 children my 4th is currently serving a  full fulltime mission on the other side of the veil.


Some day's I still wish I could write to the first presidency and demand to know why my missionary hasn't been sent home yet!?! She has served her time now give her back to me! I bet that conversation would make it into someone's conference talk down the road LOL!!  But in the meantime I will draw strength from the knowledge that she is on a sacred mission, one that blesses my life as well as others. I will forever look forward to our sweet reunion when my arms wrap around her and I tell her how very proud I am of her and the work she has done. And then I will never, ever let go.


Loving her despite the time and distance

Longer Than Life

One of the best gift I've ever received.