For the sake of all fairness I want to be real with you! In many of my post I write about life and the pain and all that sucks but I always turn back to God. and honestly this may be that way as well but I wanted to be real with you and say that I also hate life. I curse God. he took my daughter away and there are days that I go from praising him to cursing him all in a matter of minuets. I wanted to be real and say my faith has wavered on numerous occasions. What is the point of this life...... every one of us will experience loss at some point. What if there is no here after? What if we just die? What the hell? Do you realize how many people there have been on this earth? and they have all died! every single one of them has died! We are all living just to die! Everything I love will at one point be taken away form me! I wanted to be real and tell you that I get low sometimes. I get so low and I don't see the light. I loose all hope of ever being happy or whole or anything but a dark vacant shell of the person I used to be.
So what do I have to be grateful for?
Besides people telling me that "she died for a reason" the only other thing that I absolutely hate is when people say "you have three other healthy babies you should just be happy about that" it makes me want to ask them "your right, tell me which of your children you would like to give up because the others are good enough to make you happy"
What do I have to be grateful for this year? Thanksgiving for what?
I was supposed to have a sweet little baby in my arms right this very moment. But what now? I should just be thankful for everything else I have? I guess this post is a middle finger to all those who think that should be the case.
Its so complicated to be both grateful and sorrowful! Its so hard to find that balance! Its so hard when your life is in utter shambles yet there are moments of joy. Its so confusing the feelings you get when you don't know if you should be happy or sad, screaming or laughing. How can you be so grateful and yet so desperately miserable at the same time....
How do you live a life of both black and white.....
I guess if anyone could do it I have the most credentials right.
I am so incredible sad. I am so sad! I'm so sad I cant hardly breath! I miss Amirra! I want her here more then I want anything! I want her to be mine, in my arms, sleeping as if there wasn't a care in the world. I wish I could have held all my babies on this day. and Thanked God for the blessing of what is. But that's not what I have to be grateful for this year..... or any year to come...
Recently I found this
Michelle means "gift from God".................. It made me cry when I read that.
When we named Amirra it wasn't easy. How do you give an angel a name? What could ever sum up the feelings we feel for her. All that she was to us, is to us. All the dreams we had for her. Most important what she taught us.
As I've told you before Amirra is Hebrew for Princess. so her name means Princess Gift from God.
we did research Amirra but not Michelle. We named her Michelle because that is the name of the person we would want for her to most emulate here on earth and in her life to come. Our friend Michelle is everything we would want our Amirra to be and everything I know her to be. They are both kind and selfless and giving and an example of hope and service and Christ like love. Michelle is a gift to us. And Amirra Michelle was exactly that. A gift from God. A daughter of God.
This thanksgiving I am both morning the lack of her presence and praising the gift that she is in my life. I guess that is what I do and don't have to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving..
*The 6 of us on Thanksgiving.
