Its not like the more I see that on the screen the more real it is. Its not real. There are a lot of parts of this life that don't seem real anymore. There are so many things you have to relearn how to do. Like smile, or laugh, or forgive yourself when you catch yourself doing those things naturally and you feel so guilty..... remorse for letting yourself feel a spontaneous moment of joy when you are in such a state of grief.
8 weeks ago wasn't the first time my life was flipped upside down it was just the first day of the end..... everyday before that was the "before" and now ever day since has been marked as the "after".... but the after will last forever.
Recently I was reading in 1 Nephi 18:11 Reads "And it came to pass that Lamen and Lemuel did take me and bind me with cords, and they did treat me with much harshness; nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power, unto the fulfilling of his word which he had spoken concerning the wicked" and I stopped..... Nephi knew this..... he KNEW the Lord was Allowing this to happen to him, allowing him to be so persecuted. The Lord allowed this to happen to me, to Lorenzo, to Amirra... He ALLOWED her to die. He knew all along that her heart would stop beating and that in turn so would mine..... he knew and he allowed it to happen.... but I wonder.... did he allow it to happen so that he might "show forth his power"?
As I read on it says " .... there arose a great storm...... and it came to pass that we were about to be swallowed up.... wherefore, they loosed the bands which were upon my wrists, and behold they had swollen exceedingly, and also mine ankles were much swollen, and great was the soreness thereof. Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the lord because of mine afflictions"........
Why?? why would he not murmur against God? Why would he not shake his fist at heaven and demand some kind of answer? Don't you feel that way? For whatever you are going through, big or small, do you not scream to the Lord and ask WHY GOD? why did she have to die? why did this happen to me? why cant I just hold her one more time? why couldn't I hear her cry? why couldn't I be her mommy? WHY? WHY? WHY? Curse you, you cruel GOD! You all knowing being who ALLOWED this to happen to me! after everything I've been through and everything I've given.... curse you! ............................... Why didn't he say that? why didn't he feel that... and for those of you who aren't LDS what about JOB? he never cursed God.... God who also allowed Satan to utterly destroy him! What about all the apostles of Christ who were persecuted and eventually died for the cause... did they not also earn the right to forfeit the earthly hell they went through..... ...
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"Nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power"
Dear God..... please help me to see your power!
the biggest thing that Im learning in this trial is that Lorenzo and I weren't the only ones exercising our agency.... Amirra had her agency as well. God allowed her to choose to live a life of agony or return to him. Would I choose so differently? I once said I would serve the lord all my days no matter the outcome. do I feel that way now?
Do I see the power the Lord is trying to show me?
8 weeks ago the most amazing thing happened to me.... I held an angel!!! and at one point since then I got to talk to one..... and ever day in between I have felt the presence on one or multiple angels. I have seen the light of my savior in more countenances then I can count. I have been helped by angels on both sides of the veil. I have been held and comforted, fed and carried, talk to and sung to and prayed for more times than could ever be recorded. I see the power of God all around me. And I hear it frequently when my little children hug me and remind me that "its ok mommy we will get to be with Amirra and Jesus again oneday"
Every day I go to sleep praying that I will wake up and this will have been a bad nightmare. And every night is filled with dreams of a beautiful baby girl that I get to hold and snuggle close. And every morning I start the day knowing I am a day further away from the memory. But I can not deny that I have seen the power of God. My heart is broken and I don't know how I can go on. But I can not deny that I have seen the power of God. I would trade everything I have in this world just to get one day with her... just one more time to hold her in my arms, or feel her kick and wiggle inside me, just to hear her heart beat on that monitor..... but I never will.... and I can not deny that I have seen the power of God.
I know that the Lord allowed this to happen. And I know there are some things in life you never really recover from, you just kind of learn to live with. But I have gained a testimony of the atonement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know that through him I will be with my Amirra someday. I have a testimony that though the Lord allowed this to happen to me he doesn't want me to hurt, he doesn't want any of us to feel pain or anguish. I testify that there is a life after death, and it is glorious beyond all comprehension. I also would suggest to any and all of you to look for the power through the trail. get into the habit of listing the blessing and mercies and the power of the Lord through the trials you experience so that you may always look back and remember that he was still there.
I know what I have to say may mean nothing to anyone.... but I owe it to my angel daughter to share the things I have experienced because of the blessing that she was, and she is, to anyone who will take the time to read it...
she truly is amazing.... and as always I am Loving her,
Longer Than Life
