I cant get it out of my head how cold it is outside. How I'm such a terrible mommy leaving my newborn out in the freezing cold. How horrible that I am not bundling her up with the rest of them making sure she is warm and covered and comfortable and dry. What a bad mother I am... she could die in this cold.... but she already has.
I actually hate the snow now. She is covered in it. Is she cold? Is she mad? Does she look down from heaven and wonder why she isn't getting bundled up? A mothers job is to care for her children in the most basic to the most extreme ways and I cant do any of that for Amirra. I cant even wrap her in a blanket and hold her close. I cant shield her from the wind or the snow. I cant do any of the things that I think makes a good mother and I am falling apart inside...
I hate the snow.... because it one more reminder how far she is gone.
This Christmas is so different. I made her stocking and with every cut and every stitch I though "this will never be used" "this will never have a single toy in it". How do I feel joy and jolly with so much pain and loss. How to I spread love and laughter and giving when all I want is so far out of reach.
oh how I miss my baby. Christmas is so very different this year.
I bore my testimony this month. I cant tell you how difficult it was. I'm barely a fraction of the person I was the last time I stood and bore my testimony. I still remember exactly what I said then. I bore testament of how I couldn't choose a single one of my children over another and how our father in heaven feels the same way... I felt so strongly about that... ironically or not so very ironically two weeks later we found out about Amirra's condition. How much those words rang true to me yet again as I wanted so badly to save her.
This time the things I shared I would like to write down and share with you as well. I want to have them so that I may look back over them when times get hard. aka every day around 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5, ... you get the picture...
Christmas is very different this year. Amirra would have been 6 months old this month. how I dreamed of this time of year being so different with a new baby. My faith has really been shaken this year. Ive had such a hard time holding onto it that at times I wonder if I even have a speck of it left. What kind of God would take away my precious baby? How could there be such a cruel God?
In the scriptures it says "for unto you a child is born, unto you a son is given"..... I didn't give Amirra away.... I would never choose to give her away.
I know so many times we talk about how Jesus died for us... and that's true he did die for each and every one of us. but before he could die he had to live. he had to be born. He was born for us.
Because of the baby I laid to rest I honor the baby that was laid in a manger.
Because he took his first breath I know Amirra didn't take her last.
Because he lived... because he LIVES she will live again....
Christmas is so very different this year... I miss my daughter so much..... i feel her absents in everything i see in everything i do.... i wish more than anything in this world that i could hold her just one more time... that i could wrap her up and protect her from this cold. i want my baby... thats all i want this Christmas... or every Christmas for the rest of eternity. but since i cant hold her or cuddle her or wrap her up, my prayer is that all of you can turn your thoughts to the babe that was given to save my babe that was not. This Christmas honor my angel baby Amirra by honoring the angel baby that was born unto us all.
Different kind of Christmas- a beautiful song written for just such a time.
Merry Christmas.
