I guess I can be happy in saying that I survived the hardest most challenging, most gut wrenching year of my life... but honestly I'm only.... well lets say I'm only 21... why add insult to injury right now... anyways. I'm young. And there is so much of life left to live.. There is so many more years to top this year in being the worst. So saying "I survived the WORST year of my life" has to be followed with "so far".....
Yesterday was another epic 1 year mark... it was the 1 year mark of what I though was going to be one of the most exciting days of my life... this is the post I had on Instagram yesterday.....
1 year ago today.... We started what was to be one of the most excited days of our lives in a rush... Hurry hurry hurry to get to the dr. In such a rush to see what baby was. Boy or girl? Pink or blue? And of course like everyone says "I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy"
I wish I wasn't in such a hurry. I wish I had stopped just to love another moment in the before. Because everything after changed. I just want to go back to the before. Before the pain before the fear.
1year ago today the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't tell us anything. 1year ago today was the start of the hardest 24 hrs of my pregnancy. This is me balling at the unknown. I had to wait all day just to find out that my worst fears were coming true anyways. This sweet girl of mine has been such a support to me. Such an angel. She was sent first for a reason. I love my baby girls and how much they love their momma. They are both so dear to me and are always there for me when I need some extra love.
If you have read my previous post enough you know that I really did know something was coming... Before we got to the dr office I had a feeling though I wouldn't day I had a feeling something was wrong. For the first time I didn't tell anyone when my ultrasound was going to be... no one knew.. even our parents or our friends, some of whom had asked us the day(s) before. we just told everyone it was coming up soon... I don't know why I didn't want anyone to know when it was. It just felt like a good idea.. Now I know that it was tender mercy from heaven. having everyone texting or calling me after the appointment to ask questions I didn't have the answer to would only have been all the more painful than the situation already was.... I cant tell you how hard those hours were... or how slowly they ticked by.... that picture was after I had talked to my doctor and he said things looked really bad... sweet Evelett... such a strength to me.
(the picture of Evelett and I just before leaving for the hospital)
1 year ago today we walked into the longest nightmare.. the most painful heartache... the worst life changing news I could have ever imagined.... 1 year ago to day I found out I was going to burry my baby.... this is an exert from When an Ultrasound goes Devastatingly Wrong that I wrote that night
So what now?
* there is no cure......... what? no cure......
* there is no treatment......
* there is no survival rate..... WHAT????
The extra fluid will put too much strain on the heart and it will eventually stop beating.
Survival outside of the womb is nonexistent
Basically your baby will die and you will not be bringing this baby home from the hospital...Ever!
Dear lord in heaven... how is this your plan for us... how is this real life... how dear father am I supposed to keep on living every day as if nothing has changed... how am I supposed to wake up every single moment and go to bed every single night wondering if my baby is still alive and wondering how much longer it will be in there and wondering if I will ever hear its first cry or if it will be snuffed out before that blessed moment happens... how am I supposed to respond to the sweet old ladies in the grocery store that ask me how far along and what I'm having and how excited I must be... father, how am I supposed to tell my children that baby will not be coming home with us... father give me strength.
I had no idea then just how painful those moments were going to be for me... how painful it would be to call the nurse in to take the baby away. how painful it would be to leave the hospital alone. how painful it would be to be awakened at night by the cries of the neighbors baby through the adjoining wall... I had so much fear of what the unknown was. But I still had so much hope.... I remember writing that I wanted to stay forever in the before... before she died.. before when I could feel her kick, feel her move, feel her hiccups. Because the after would always be after and the before was but a short precious amount of time... A time where hope was allowed to endure....
Now that I am in the after I can say that my fear of what the pain would be like paled in comparison to the reality of it... That kind of pain never goes away.
In the last year I have cried and screamed and prayed and cursed and laughed and kicked myself for doing so. In the last year I have received blessings, and had had people both fast and pray for me, I have gone to the temple and searched the scriptures. I have left my testimony and tried so desperately to find it again. In the last year I held an angel I felt her move inside me, kick her brothers and sisters, and been the place where her heart took its first and last beat. In the last year I buried my child, I watched them close the casket, I said my goodbyes and I walked away. In the last year I have stood in the blazing sun the poring rain and knelt in the freezing snow at her graveside... I have seen the season change... all four of them.. In this death and hell that has been my life this last year....
There are so many things that I have learned through this last year that I couldn't count them if I tried. Some I am grateful for and others not even a little....
But if anything I have learned most of all that Love never stops.. never for a moment... the love of a mother for her child never ends even if that child was but one sentence in the novel that we call life...
This has been the most horrific year of my life... (So far) and I wouldn't give it up because I love my Amirra Michelle
