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I cant tell you for how long those words haunted me. Kept me up at night. played over and over again in my head. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing playing on repeat as I cried myself to sleep.
She's not coming home. She's not coming home. She's never coming home.
looking back now I don't know how I didn't burst. And each day since I still wonder the same thing... How am I still put together when my insides are all in a scramble. My heart is shattered. Its one of those things you cant even explain and only those who have experienced it truly understand the depths to the words Heart Broken.
Its painful. And it last.... somedays you feel as though you will never again see the sun. and others you lay down at night with a smile and then want to kill yourself for even thinking you deserve to be happy again. How can you ever feel happy again when she is not here..... How dare you feel happy without her.
I have to tell you that here in the aftermath of the storm there is so much dust still settling. So much debris still falling from the sky. Some of which falls on your head and knocks you the F out!! and then when you wake up you wish you wouldn't have. Life after loss is fuzzy. Its scary and lonely and bleak. One of the hardest parts is that you are no longer the person you were. Imagine waking up one day and looking in the mirror to find a stranger staring back at you. That's a lot like how it feels. For some reason you literally loose WHO you are.... you reevaluate everything about your life and sometimes you come up with more questions than answers. What do I like? Who do I love? What do I want to be? What makes me happy? How do I spend my time? What's important to me?
WHO AM I
Life after loss is a lot of who am I's
Who am I now? do I still laugh? do I still get to have fun? Am I funny or fun or loud or spontaneous or sarcastic? Life after loss is not only learning how to live without your heart beating but also learning who you are as if you were reborn. My life ended the moment her heart stopped beating and this IS my new life. I AM a new person. And though I would never want to go through what I went through again...... I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world.
January was a hard one for me.... every one with their new years resolutions and commitment to do better here or be better there and just their goals in general.... I had no goals... I had no direction in life.... I was lost... I'm still trying to figure out who I am how could I try and set goals for myself.
Lorenzo and I were talking in December as the new year approached and we mentioned how 2015 was the worst year of our lives, how we couldn't wait for the new year and say see ya never again to 2015... but then the realization came to me that this was the year I got my angel. How could I ever hate this year? In this year she was created. 2015 was the year I got to feel her kick or stretch or move or hiccup. 2015 was when I got to hold her and kiss her and love her. 2015 was the only time I will ever have with my sweet Amirra.... how could I ever be happy with them being over. How quickly our opinions of a trial can change. how I am so grateful for that.
I can now say I am so grateful for the trial that was Amirras life and her death. I know there are so many that don't want to hear that. Many that are either spending their days with their face browed in prayer or buried in a tissue of tears struggling through their own trial and they don't want to hear this. But its true. I am so Grateful for Amirra. Everything that she was... Everything that she is now... I am so grateful for the lives that she touched.... and especially for the way she touched mine... I really was reborn because of her... I never will be the same person I was because of her and I couldn't be more proud. Because of my daughter I am stronger, I am more compassionate, I cry more, and I relish the moments of laughter more, I love deeper, I hug harder, I pray more intently. Because of Amirra I am closer to the spirit and more dedicated to my own spiritual gifts. Because of Amirra I have been blessed with friendships that are sent from heaven. I have people in my life so cherished and so dear.. they would and have done Anything for me. Because of Amirra I know what true service is. I know joy and sadness and pain. I know how to help mend a broken heart. Because of Amirra I know that a person need not even take a single breath to change one person... and that by changing one person you can change the world. Because I lost Amirra I know that there is no such thing as really loosing someone... I know where she is, who she is, what she is.... I know now more then ever that there is a God in Heaven. That there is a life after death. and that it is GLORIOUS.
After Amirra died we had so much help so much support. both from faces seen and those hidden... we had donations and food and hugs and kind words... we had people just come sit with us while we cried and those that dropped of gifts... our Angels calling themselves "My Heart Monday" givers brought us gifts every Monday for close to 6 months!!! because of Amirra I learned the goodness of humanity and the light of Christ that shines through so many of those around us.
I am truly grateful for all that I learned from my precious daughter.... I though I was supposed to be the teacher in this relationship....
Many weeks ago Lorenzo and I revealed our Love Longer than Life logo and said there were big things to come.... well here we are almost 8 months out and are finally ready to start step one in this process.... yes I have been dragging my feet on this one... a lot.... (insert image of sadness from the movie inside out doing a face fall)
Many of you may have also noticed that there was a blanket that we wrapped Amirra in when she was born with the logo on it... Well when we got that terrible news "you will not be bringing baby home" we were shattered... we couldn't stop thinking about how much we wanted her to know how much she was loved... and would be loved. Love isn't a mortal emotion, nor is it limited by mortality. just because she wouldn't be here with us doesn't mean our love for her would end... and so Love longer than life was born. in conjuction with that so was our "I HELD YOU " blanket... the thoughts of our family that would never get the opportunity to hold her filled us with grief non stop... my nonna and both of Lorenzo's grandparents. Amirras aunts and uncles and cousins and great aunt and great uncles and second cousins and friends... people we loved and who loved us and in turn loved her..... She had SO many people that loved her.... so many people we wanted so much to have the chance to snuggle her and squeeze her and hold her.... And that's where we got the "I HELD YOU" blanket idea from... as you can tell from the photos her blanket was well decorated... so many writing and affirmations of love and adoration. so many people who would never get to hold her in their arms were able to hold her with their love... and when we wrapped that blanket around our precious Amirra she was held by every single one of them. And when we laid her to rest..... she was wrapped in our love forever....
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And now we are ready to share.... share this very personal piece of our angle baby with anyone in need...
We have now created this line of merchandise and the profit of which goes to supply more families suffering from misscaragie, still born, or infant loss... we will be donating these special "I HELD YOU" blankets with fabric markers to these precious families in hopes that they too will be able to wrap their angels in a love that last forever. It is small and simple yes .. but it meant the world to us... and our prayer is that through our pain and our trial and our suffering others may also be able to relish in the knowledge that Love truly Last Longer than Life
here is a link to our etsy shop Longer than Life... remember we are not professionals yet and are trying our best to honor our daughter and those in need but we are still human... so bear with us while we work out all of the kinks. if you have any questions please e-mail me at lovelongerthanlife@gmail.com
Lorenzo and I taking turns reading Amirra every single words written to her on her blanket by her loved ones
