The day my angel was born

I don't even know where to start with this one....

The beginning I guess....

I guess I'm not ready for this to be real and writing it all out.... then its real... it really happened.

In reality though its an amazing story.

I, through the encouragement of a friend, decided I wanted to have a party for my sweet little baby... one thing led to another and the ideas kept piling on top of each other.. one party turned to 3. a party tuned into a baby shower, the shower turned into more of a gathering to craft in honor of my baby... At the shower we made items to be donated to local hospitals such as cloth diapers and baby beanies... they were tiny because I wanted them to be for the very tiny micro preemies that might not make it just like my little one....

the first one was in Cedar City and since I'm quite afraid to be away from home for very long it was a very fast, rough trip. We left Friday night and came home Saturday night... and it was not a fun ride!! I ended up sitting in the back seat with the boys in the third row so I could put my feet up on the console! I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible but who was i kidding!

Sunday, Fathers day, was a busy day. I woke up and made Lorenzo breakfast and yada yada. I also taught Young Women that day. It was about how the priesthood blesses our lives. It went really well and it was a much needed reminder that the priesthood is in fact the power of God here on earth. Ive been so upset and hung up on my last priesthood blessing and parts of it that I felt have not come to reality like I've wanted. There wasn't a lot that were specific blessing for this lifetime. But one thing in my blessing that was specific was that the amniotic fluid would develop and sustain my baby. Yes baby has been sustained and still kicking away but every time they do a scan there is still no fluid around the baby. Which means that baby doesn't have a working  bladder..... which means that baby wont practice breathing nor have a chance to take a breath. I've been so upset and hung up on this one part that I cant see past to anything else.

Anyways the lesson went really well and I was pleased to have my testimony even slightly enlightened. I was so exhausted though! The trip, the lack of sleep, the stress of the lesson.... As soon as I got home and sat down I turned to Lorenzo and said "I have no idea how I'm not in labor" ... 5 min later I have my first contraction.

Since it was Fathers day Lorenzo's brother and sister in law came over for dinner. my contractions had been consistently every 3.5 min for 5 hrs. They weren't strong but they weren't going away... not by Tylenol, or a nap, or a warm bath, or just laying as much as possible! They were like clockwork.

I was in denial that this was anything more then maybe Braxton hicks but now at 5 hrs with no let up I asked Lorenzo and his brother to give me a blessing. In this blessing I was "not promised that this would stop or that the labor would not progress" but I was blessed that " I would find peace and comfort and know that the lord is not only mindful of my situation but is also in control and that whatever happens is by his doing and by his care". It had been so long since I had actually FELT the spirit! I felt the warmth of the saviors love all around me. I felt the power and comfort of God wash over me. It had been so long and it was so wonderful to finally feel anything more then just numb.

Once the blessing was ended I stood and hugged my husband, hugged my brother, took 2 steps and my water broke!!!!!!!! My water broke!! Every time we did a ultrasound there was no amniotic fluid and yet here I was standing there with it running down my legs! I have never had my water break before. My dr would always do it sometime after I was already in the hospital so I was double shocked. I just turned to Lorenzo in a daze and said "I think my water just broke". His brother and sister were on their way out the door anyways so as soon as they left and another round of water just gushed out of me (SORRY TMI) I fell apart! I started balling and screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" "Lorenzo NO"

This cant be happening I'm not ready for this! this cant be what the lord meant by this blessing!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!!!!
Please God! Please Father Don't do this ! My drs not in town! I have 2 more baby showers to go to this weeks! NO! Not now! this is my fault! this is all my fault! Why had I wanted to go to Cedar so bad... I pushed myself too much! I should have stayed home... I wanted to celebrate baby's life so much that I had taken the life right away.

of course the kids at this point are in a panic because mommy is hysterical. Lorenzo just basically picked me up took me to the bathroom and got me to breath again! We stood forehead to forehead, me balling, him crying and telling me "its not your fault baby' "I'm here babe and we are going to do this together" "the whole thing together me and you" "we are going to get through this"!

How do I breath! I knew this was coming! I felt it, I could have guessed it would be today... in fact I basically did. But why? HOW... the how I was so scared of. Whats about to happen.... my baby is going to die today!! my baby is going to die today! Please God No!!

The next few hours was quite a blur. We packed up and made our way to the hospital. ps have I mentioned before that I hate soccer? Well I do even more now since there was a real salt lake game just getting out that had cops blocking and directing traffic on every road leading us to the hospital. So a 10 min ride was almost 30! Awesome right! We got to Alta view and got to the main desk where they asked "what brings you in tonight?" .... seriously people! "well I'm having contractions, 7 hrs now at about 3 min apart and my water just broke"
"ok when are you due"
"sept"
"SEPTEMBER!"
they got me right back and I had to explain that I knew this was coming... the nurse asked me if because of the complications what the specialist were telling me and asked "did they say if the baby was compatible with life"
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I knew the answer.......... but in that moment I couldn't say it . How could I say this out loud? How could I betray the angel that was inside me and basically admit that I knew there was no hope for a future with it? What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say?

I said "no.......

I actually said it... I said no! How am I still breathing! My heart is slowly being ripped out of my chest!! How am I admitting that no, my baby wont be living for very much longer and not only can I not stop it but my body is basically making it happen... My body is forcing my little baby from its only place of survival! How will I ever live again?

After a bunch of questions and needles and monitors questions upon questions, the lead nurse actually had to ask me 3 times "now what did you say baby had again"!!! she didn't even know what it was! I was starting to freak out. If my dr wasn't there and these people had no clue what was about to happen how well are we going to be care of! But at least the had a heartbeat for baby! At least baby was still alive.... maybe there was still hope for even a few min with it!

they brought in the on call dr who was also unfamiliar with the condition and wanted to do some ultrasounds to see just how big baby was and if I was going to be able do deliver baby on my own. They brought in the ultrasound tech about 20 min later and saw that of course the baby had not miraculously improved.. The fear in their eyes was so evident.. They were obviously not prepared for what they were going to see on the scan... They obviously had no idea what they were dealing with here.... but my horror came because of a different reason... there was no longer a heartbeat... the screen was black and cold and empty... just like the aching whole that once held my heart.... baby was gone. sometime in the last 20 min my baby had just gone. There was no magical chime of a trinket or light warm breeze that caressed my skin as baby's spirit drifted away.... I had no clue... baby had just..... finished its plan.... and made a very silent exit. Like a friend who leaves a party before you had an opportunity to thank them for coming in the first place...

That's when Lorenzo fell apart... he said he "just wanted a chance to hold the baby one time while it was alive... even for a min.. just a min in his arms while it was still breathing is all he had been praying for"... and all I could do was stoke his head as my mountain of a man fell to pieces at my bedside...

I felt so guilty! This must be my fault. I felt every time this little baby moves or stretched or got the hiccups.... I felt everything. I got to hold this baby every second of its life and I wanted so badly to be able to give Lorenzo just a moment. Just a single memory to hold onto. But instead I had selfishly held them all to myself. And now it was too late. It was over.... the path come to a close and there was nothing anyone could do to create a new path.

Now of course the focus shifted. I was no longer mother and baby patients.... just mother... and because of that they decided it be best to ship me to IMC where there were more advanced equipment and more prepared drs. It was the most miserable ride of my life, strapped down to a very uncomfortable bed, in the back of a ambulance, hitting every bump in the road... I don't know what I was thinking.. I was so silly to think that now that the baby's journey was over mine would be as well.. but in reality my hard journey had in some ways just begun...

once I was at IMC and got a new dr they did another more in depth ultrasound and realized that though I was only 28 weeks along baby was much to big for me to deliver on my own.... they were worried they would put me through hours of intense labor just to have to rush me back and do an emergency c section because baby got stuck... I was horrified of that. so a C-section it was... and I was terrified... I had to wait a few hours because I had eaten a few hour before so there I waited... still in labor... still in intense pain.. and still in paralyzing fear of what the next few hours held... soon they came in to give Lorenzo his scrubs and wheel me back.

By this time I had dilated to a 4 and was in a lot of pain. But they numbed me up and started the most scary procedure of my life... Lorenzo and I were both shaking like leaves. We had no idea what to expect. we just knew things weren't great..... They finished, stitched me up, wheeled me back to my room and brought in a bundle of blankets and placed an angel in my arms....

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words cannot express this moment. finally being able to hold my baby in my arms. feel the weight of this sweet angel against me and not inside me.. my heart was empty and full all at the same time... and then I got to hand this little bundle off to daddy... that was the second greatest moment . being able to see my husband hold our child in his arms.

our angel
our little girl!!
just like I had suspected...
a little girl
a little princess
and so thats what we named her

Amirra Michelle Riddle
Amirra means princess in Hebrew.. how fitting
this little thing would forever be our little princess.

the next 29 hours were spent cuddling and rocking and singing and snuggling. The older children came in and held her and told her they loved her and that they would see her again someday. it was the most peaceful 29 hours ever. in the presence of something so holy. so magnificent. so perfect. our little Amirra changed our lives forever in those few short hours.

And when it was time to say goodbye... or see you later... part of me rejoiced at the blessing of what was and the rest of my body shattered and fell into tiny shards of the person I used to be...

its amazing how your life can start and fall apart all in the same moment. How will I ever live up to the miracle that was this perfect spirit that chose me as her mommy. how will I ever recover from the brokenness that is so physically painful. how does one live with a broken heart.. I honestly feel her absence as if I had lost a part of my very soul. I miss her more then words could ever express. I love her longer then life...

preparing to say goodbye

Yet another dr.s apt. today. Its been 4 weeks since I was in last! Feels like forever since everything just fell apart. I don't know anymore who I'm writing this for. Me? My other children? Someone who may stumble across it? My life has been such a rollercoaster for the past few months I don't know how I even remember my own name! I feel so lost and so found at the same time. I have no idea what is going on or what is about to happen and yet I am so completely aware of both. Its really a crazy feeling.

In 4 weeks I have gained 20 lbs! That really quite an accomplishment! Its really all belly Im 27 weeks and measuring 36. my stomach is stretching so fast its still painful, and itchy because now my stretch marks have stretch marks... I actually got to witness a stretchmark being born the other day. My skin got really itchy and as I was scratching you could just see the line kind of redden and form before your very eyes. CREEPY!!! Im so swollen all over I hardly recognize my own feet, or face, or hands!

Going in today Lorenzo and I were pretty sure it was going to be the end. With all the swelling and weight gain we though that our dr would say times up and decide to pull the plug. However my blood pressure and urine is still perfect and the weight gain is obviously just water retention. So he said we are still ok to just wait if we want..... What am I supposed to say? "No thanks, im so miserable that I just want to be done" "lets just kill this baby and have it be done with" ..............................
We did an ultrasound of course to see what was going on with the baby and I have to say that I didn't look at first.... I couldn't look.... I wanted to close my eyes and pretend that everything was magically fixed. 4 weeks a miracle could have happened in 4 weeks right.... it developed in 4 weeks it could have fixed itself in 4 weeks... What if I didn't look and it was the last time I got to see my baby actually alive! So eventually.. I looked... and I was shattered... Just like every time... no miracle for my baby. Nothing better just the same slow progression in the wrong direction. Heartbeat still strong still kicking regularly and gets hiccups everyday but the fluid is still getting bigger and bigger....

I feel like such a fool. Where is the faith I had? Where is the peace I felt? Why did I ever hold on to any kind of hope? It was a fools hope. Why did I put so much faith on that priesthood blessing I got that brought me so much comfort? What is the point of a priesthood blessing anyways? Who among you want to tell me the reason I didn't receive the blessings given in it was because I didn't have enough faith? Who among you dare tell me that "Gods will be done" was how things have to be? If it be Gods will, one way or another, what is the point? God has made his decision from the beginning! Whether I was to receive a blessing or not, he has already written this child's path so what was the point? What about the people of this world that don't have the priesthood? God has decided weather their children will live or die even without a blessing. So what is the point. I hate when people say that... "if ye have enough faith"... I hate when God himself has said that!!! It leaves all of us who have put all the faith we can muster into him to doubt ourselves to the very core..... "did I not have faith"? "could I have saved my baby if I had better faith"? did I pray enough? plead enough? read my scriptures enough? maybe I yelled at my kids too much? maybe I should have gone to the temple once a week? What lord? What have I lacked in faith? You know my heart, so what darkness do you see there that has prevented this priesthood blessing from changing this outcome? why should I EVER get a blessing again... whats going to happen is going to happen! God has made proof of that through this!

You know that game they play on the price is right... I think its called "that's too much"... your about to win a car but the way the game is played they have prices up on the bored listed from least to greatest and your supposed to keep going until you have hit the money value you believe is just below the real price of the car... you don't go far enough, you lose the car. you go over the price and you loose the car. You have to guess the price of the car just under retail value! Its Become a sick, twisted reality game show of my life... But its not a car.... its a real life. my babies life. See now Lorenzo and I get to play this game where we have to guess when our babies heart will stop beating... We want to keep this baby in my belly as long as possible to have time to feel it wiggle and move waking me up in the morning, and kick against daddy's prodding hand, and let its brothers and sister feel its silly rhythmic hiccups. We want it to be big enough that it will look more like a baby, something to snuggle and kiss and cuddle for the few precious moments. But then there is the flip side. the longer we wait the more there is a chance that we will never get to hold our baby alive... that possibility is so real anyways... Just like the sick game show we get to guess when "That's too much" when it has been too much time and our baby's heart couldn't take it anymore. But what mother can let go? What mother would intentionally pull out a calendar, point to a date and say "that one"... that's the day I choose to kill my baby by pushing it out of the only thing that will keep it alive, my body. We attempted to have this conversation with the dr and my heart was shattering. If there is a gracious God in heaven at all he will not make me make this decision. He will make my body go into labor before my baby dies.

I hate my life.

I hate my reality

as soon as we got home from the dr Korlen runs in and asks "is the baby still sick" with such hope and excitement in his eyes. I fell apart all over again.

Now is when things get real.... I guess I should be grateful I have time to pull things together and have a funeral the way we want it instead of throwing it together in a few days after the sudden shock of something we had not been planning for... at least I don't have  a single baby thing out and ready for a baby that wont be coming home... I imagine that would be much harder. Coming home to an empty nursery all sparkly and new. Washed new clothes and carefully folded blankets. No need to take my favorite outfit to the hospital as the official "going home" outfit. Now we are preparing to say goodbye..... well as Lorenzo keeps reminding me, say "see you later" not goodbye... but to a mothers heart there is no comfort in the tomorrow. There is only the pain of the years to come with empty arms and a broken heart.

Through the mouth of babes

It doesn't surprise me that the lord councils us to "be ye as little children". I feel that I was a way more spiritually led little person then I am today as an adult, before the world had its opportunity to slowly darken my lighthearted mind. Everything is just so matter of fact to a little child. They ask many questions most of which revolve around "WHY" but if you take the time to ask them why something is a certain way, they very simple say "because" and mean it. To a child there is no muddled lines. red is red and green is green, black is black and white is white. There is no grey. There is no kind of right or kind of wrong. The day is the day and the night is the night and its just that way because that's the way it is.

We have told our children what is going on from the beginning and as to be expected Korlen understands and is sad, Tahlae listens for about 2.8 sec and then continues playing seemingly oblivious, and Evelett wasn't listening to begin with. A few days following however I was having a conversation one on one with mr T about how his belly wasn't fat mommies belly is fat to which he said " your belly is fat because you have a big baby in it" "Yes that's right" "yeah but that baby is going to live with Heavenly Father, can I go get a snack"....... I was so stunned it took me a min to respond. I had no idea he was even paying attention. He just said it so matter of fact, like that was just the way thing are supposed to be. Black is black and white is white.

How foolish are we as adults. I had naively thought his mind was too simple to understand something so complex when in reality my mind is too complex to understand something so simple.

Simply that it is what it is. how stupid am I to think that this is complicated to God. He created the heavens and the earth. He created time and space. How naïve I am to try so hard to find the complexity of the why when in reality there is only the simplicity of because.

My children have been such a source of spiritual strength since then. Their little spirits are so profound. They love this baby with the knowledge that they may never get to even see it. They pray daily for its little body.

This morning as I was sitting with Korlen eating his breakfast I asked him "what do you think will happen to this baby after it dies?" he was so sad and I hate asking him things like this but he is so smart and I want to be sure he is as prepared for what is to come as the rest of us... I cant stupidly think he isn't being effected by it. He's 6 and he gets it a lot! this was our conversation
"what do you think will happen to the baby after it dies?"
"I don't know"
"does that scare you"
"kind of"
"where do you think the baby will go"
"to live with heavenly father"
"who do you think will take care of our baby"
"heavenly father and jesus"
" do you think they will take good care of our baby"
"yes they love our baby a lot"

I cant even tell you how much this kills me! It hurts so bad! I cant save them from this experience anymore then I can save this baby....... this hurts so badly! I cant stop his hurt anymore then I can stop my own. I cant stop any of them from feeling what this experience will make them feel and it makes my heart break even more that this could cause them sadness. It brings me such joy to know in many ways they are far wiser then I am. They will probably hurt at some point but their simple minds will also tell them this is the way it is, just because, and I think they will find peace in that. Peace in the knowledge that Their baby is with their God and there is no better person to love them in our stead.

May we all be like little children