This is the true morning after.... technically yesterday was the first morning after, as in the morning after the devastating news however yesterday we spent the day distracting ourselves with loads of fun! The night before we had a family movie night and snuggled up in the couch with some popcorn. The next morning we went up to Ogden, Ut. and went to the Hill Airforce base Museum, ate at a funky little café with yummy stuffed burgers, went and played for hours at the Treehouse Museum and just enjoyed our kidos. Then Lorenzo and I went to the temple and were able to do some Sealing Ordinances. It was a beautiful, busy, distracting day! Just what we all needed. However the day had to come to a close and as it did my heart began to ache. I truly did not want to go to bed because that meant the next day would be here and real life would start over again.
Lorenzo would be going back to work, Korlen back to school. Its my week for preschool and so I would be having children over to my house for that... though that I was glad for, a little distraction. But all in all everyone would be going back to their real lives, living life as if mine was not over here falling apart. The calls had been made and the condolences had been given and tomorrow was going to be just another day for every, everyone except our little family.
I trembled this morning as Lorenzo and I were saying our goodbyes. I cant remember the last time I used such force to hold him as tight as I could in an embrace. I couldn't let go. He hadn't left my side since we heard the news and I couldn't let him leave me know. I was filled with terror of the pain I knew was about to come. I knew it was going to hurt. Without Lorenzo I had to.... feel. he is like my Novocain to numb the pain and he was leaving me for hours. While with him I didn't have to be strong, I could fall apart and the knowledge that I could be weak strengthened me. But knowing that I had to keep it together while he was away made me feel much much less secure.
As he left I told him don't be supprised if I don't do a thing to the house or take care of your kid while you are gone.. his response was what his response is on most days "as long as they are alive when I get back I think that probably good enough". Given the circumstance that was heartbreaking. And at the realization we both cried.
I had quite a few visitors this morning. Its amazing how their sincerity is so obvious! Those come to comfort and those who come just to make them feel better about themselves. They come just so they can sleep better at night, as if they have some kind of moral checklist they feel so accomplished to fulfil even if its for the wrong reasons. "Go visit someone in need, Check! Oh good now at last I can say did something to ease my own conscience". Like I said you can tell their sincerity and true intent so immediately!
We also had our house cleaned by the bishop and family which was such a blessing! I have had so many people tell me " let me know what I can do to help" so I gave them an opportunity to make good on their word and see who would really "help" I posted on the ward FB page that I would love for someone to come clean my kitchen and within 20 min the bishops family was here cleaning away! My friend from preschool group also stayed to help clean and help play with the kids, and we had a sister bring us dinner tonight. I am so grateful for people like them.... There are sayers and then there are doers. I have been blessed to have so very many supportive doers in my life that don't just throw a line out there about coming if needed but actually show up roll up their sleeves and get to work.. We feel so blessed for all these saints in our life, we wish there was some way to ever repay them but all we can do is commit to being Do-ers ourselves!
The Bishop requested to come back over tonight with one of his counselors and I was sure that since we had yet to receive blessings he wanted to come council with us and then offer that to both of us. His words were kind. And we were able to talk for a while about the baby and my previous post and the gospel. He counseled that there was place for us to feel sadness, that it was a part of life and a part of healing, and that some sadness's last a lifetime. It was nice to just talk for a min with no expectations.
Lorenzo received a blessing that I think brought him great comfort about being able to handle his position as leader and comforter and provider for our family. I know he has his own way of dealing with this but I hope he lets himself be as vulnerable as he does strong. He seems to be coping well though.
My blessing was a very beautiful one. It was a blessing of healing and it was a powerful one. I was blessed to remember that the lord is all powerful that he created the heavens and the earth and that at the glance of his eye all things could disappear. He has the ability to manipulate all matter and change all circumstances. I was then blessed with a healing blessing telling me that this baby would continue to grow and thrive while in the womb and that strange things would take place so much so that the doctors would be baffled, but that we wouldn't know that it was the workings of the Lord, God almighty, our Father. There were a lot of things that were specifically outlined both for me and for little one. There was so much said that left little doubt that the lord was not only mindful of us but very involved with what was to come.
I feel edified. I have felt like our story with this child is not over... it is not set in stone. I have felt very strongly that miracles are possible and that changes would be made in this child's life. After this blessing I felt at peace. In no way do I feel that it was a promise that everything will be hunky dory, nor am I even positive that my baby will live to take its first breath. However, I know that there is yet miracles to take place and that there is much left yet to this story unwritten. I will draw on the peace on comfort that it brings for a long time to come.
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