Monday morning I woke up and something told me my life would be changing forever that day. I even snapped a photo of Evelett and I and captioned it "the day that would change our lives."
So we get to the ultrasound and the tech start doing what the tech does and im trying to explain to the kids what she is doing but she starts moving faster and im making jokes that it doesn't look much like a baby to me so im glad she knows what shes doing to which she nervously snickers. And then everything changes. She stops and tells us " you know I hate to be the one to tell you this but there seems to be some abnormalities with baby and I'm not sure what all I'm seeing, this is like my worst nightmare to have to tell you this but we have to send you to the specialist at a bigger hospital to be sure" she then nervously stood up and said that she needed to go get ahold of my dr.... everything from there was a fast blur but basically she was nervous couldn't look at me and was rushing... my dr was in surgery so she sent me home saying that he would call me and they would set up an apt with the specialist asap. and that was it...she felt so bad at this point that she awkwardly gave me a hung and just whispered "i am so sorry sweetie"... they sent me and my very confused and disappointed brood out the door. And that when it hit me that our society has become so confused about the real reason for that 20 week ultrasound.... yeah its fun to find out the gender but the health of the baby is the real reason... with all these gender reveal parties no one remembers that.
I then got to sit around and stew over the phone for 5 hrs waiting for the dr to call. When he finally did he was really honest with me. He told me things look serious and that he wanted me to get in as soon as possible. He also told me what was going on, what they thought it was, and what the names were... our apt was set for 22 hrs later! it was the longest night of Lorenzo and my life! We were so scared. We did some research on what the dr said it might be and things look really discouraging.
After the longest wait time of my life we finally went back to our ultrasound with the specialized tech. and after he did his scan and then the high risk dr came in and talked to us this is what we Found out..
** Our baby has a condition called Hydrops and Cystic Hygroma. Hydrops is a build up of fluid in more then one area of the body. Our baby has a large amount of fluid built up in its abdomen, around its heart, and in its chest cavity. Cystic Hygroma is also a build up of fluid that is built up in the neck, our baby's neck sac is larger then the baby's head and appears to be almost as large as the baby's body.
Gah!! so what does that mean right. What causes that? what do we do now?
well basically that mean bad!
There was about 5 different things that could have caused it but most likely it is a gynetic syndrom much like down syndrome. However where down syndrome is a chromosomal abnormality in a smaller chromosome the problems that would effect this would be a larger chromosome and therefor cause more problems. they could run a bunch of test that would tell us what cause it however non of those test would help this baby it would only allow us to know if this would effect any future pregnancies.
So what now?
* there is no cure......... what? no cure......
* there is no treatment......
* there is no survival rate..... WHAT????
The extra fluid will put too much strain on the heart and it will eventually stop beating.
Survival outside of the womb is nonexistent
Basically your baby will die and you will not be bringing this baby home from the hospital...Ever!
so what do we do now...
option 1 wait till baby's heart gives out and my body will start labor on its own
option 2 wait till baby's heart gives out and if my body hasn't started labor they will start labor
option 3 terminate pregnancy
option 4 start preterm labor so that we can have the opportunity to hold the baby while it is still alive and snuggle it before it dies
option 5 this plays out like a normal pregnancy and I will go till term and then after the baby is born we will enjoy every precious moment we are granted.
..............................................................................................................................................................................................................
Dear lord in heaven... how is this your plan for us... how is this real life... how dear father am I supposed to keep on living every day as if nothing has changed... how am I supposed to wake up every single moment and go to bed every single night wondering if my baby is still alive and wondering how much longer it will be in there and wondering if I will ever hear its first cry or if it will be snuffed out before that blessed moment happens... how am I supposed to respond to the sweet old ladies in the grocery store that ask me how far along and what I'm having and how excited I must be... father, how am I supposed to tell my children that baby will not be coming home with us... father give me strength.
I was filled with such peace, such understanding as we talked about everything that was going on and everything that would be expected. I felt the hands of the lord with me, holding me, easing my pain and sorrow. However I must be honest I broke... I broke when we started talking about delivery the baby.... alive or dead this baby will be coming out of my body... I will be delivering this child one way or another. I will still go through the pains and trauma of bringing a life into the world weather or not that life will last a moment or an hour or a day. I will be giving birth to this baby and then I will be going home broken body and broken hearted. I will still have my sleepless night but to nurse my wounds and not nurse my baby. I will hear crying day and night but the sounds will be coming from me not from my newborn. that is when I broke.
" There are no true endings.... Only everlasting beginnings"- Dieter F Uchtdorf
This is Just So Sad
its so sad and so hard. waiting for the train to come slam into you. you cant move, cant turn around and run away, just wait for the inevitable to plow over you. It is so sad!
But I have found joy still. I have reasons still to see the sunshine. The sound of my children laughing and the touch of my husbands strong embrace. There is still life, and love, and hope. We know that we will see this baby again one day and we know we will have the opportunity to raise this baby weather here on earth or in the hereafter. This baby was ours from the moment it was created.... this sweet little spirit is so special! I know it, I can feel it already. I will be the best mother I can be while it is still with me and every day after I will be even better so that I may have the chance to be reunited and raise this sweet baby of mine....
We never did find out the gender... poor baby is so swollen and there is hardly and fluid around it that there was no way to even see. but that's ok... anymore it doesn't really matter anyways.
Though the doc didn't give us any reason to hope there is always room for hope... there have been a few miracle babies that I have read about online... sometimes the problems look much bigger on screen then they really are... sometimes the swelling and fluid just goes down and sort of resolves itself... a lot of babies survive with one or the other condition its just hard to find any good news when they are both together... But we still have hope! We have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and know that he has a plan for us and for this little baby.! I always used to say I knew nothing like this would ever happen to me because I am not strong enough to handle it and the lord doesn't give you anything you cant handle. im leaning very quickly just how wrong I am in that.... the lord does give you more then you can handle..... much much more then you are ever capable of handling on your own. only when you lean on him will you be saved from complete destruction. only through his grace are you ever made capable of bearing the cross you have in this life...
im sure many of you will want to tell me how sorry you are... but don't..... don't be sorry..... I AM NOT sorry... I would do this a thousand times over again because I know how important this child is. this was our mission in life to be this childs parents and to give it a body... maybe not a working one but it will be perfected one day. You can say that its sad because it is... its really sad... ps ill know who actually read this whole long post because of who says "im so sorry" vs who says "i am so sad with you" lol so be warned
your prays will be greatly appreciated and we are trying to stay as positive as possible around our children so please be careful what you say around them... they are so very receptive...
loving you all and looking to lean on you when my heart does break in the future to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment