Christmas is a little different this year

The snow has made it... its covering everything with a glisenting white. The kids are in paradise trudging and puling. making snow angels and snowmen and snowballs.

Everything looks so fresh and clean and crisp and well I guess beautiful. I've always loved the snow. I've always love the first snowfall. But as I get the kids all bundled up in their snow pants and mittens and scarfs all I keep thinking about is that Amirra is now covered in snow........

I cant get it out of my head how cold it is outside. How I'm such a terrible mommy leaving my newborn out in the freezing cold. How horrible that I am not bundling her up with the rest of them making sure she is warm and covered and comfortable and dry. What a bad mother I am... she could die in this cold.... but she already has.

I actually hate the snow now. She is covered in it. Is she cold? Is she mad? Does she look down from heaven and wonder why she isn't getting bundled up? A mothers job is to care for her children in the most basic to the most extreme ways and I cant do any of that for Amirra. I cant even wrap her in a blanket and hold her close. I cant shield her from the wind or the snow. I cant do any of the things that I think makes a good mother and I am falling apart inside...

I hate the snow.... because it one more reminder how far she is gone.

This Christmas is so different. I made her stocking and with every cut and every stitch I though "this will never be used" "this will never have a single toy in it". How do I feel joy and jolly with so much pain and loss. How to I spread love and laughter and giving when all I want is so far out of reach.

oh how I miss my baby. Christmas is so very different this year.

I bore my testimony this month. I cant tell you how difficult it was. I'm barely a fraction of the person I was the last time I stood and bore my testimony. I still remember exactly what I said then. I bore testament of how I couldn't choose a single one of my children over another and how our father in heaven feels the same way... I felt so strongly about that... ironically or not so very ironically two weeks later we found out about Amirra's condition. How much those words rang true to me yet again as I wanted so badly to save her.

This time the things I shared I would like to write down and share with you as well. I want to have them so that I may look back over them when times get hard. aka every day around 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5, ... you get the picture...

Christmas is very different this year. Amirra would have been 6 months old this month. how I dreamed of this time of year being so different with a new baby. My faith has really been shaken this year. Ive had such a hard time holding onto it that at times I wonder if I even have a speck of it left. What kind of God would take away my precious baby? How could there be such a cruel God?

In the scriptures it says "for unto you a child is born, unto you a son is given"..... I didn't give Amirra away.... I would never choose to give her away.

I know so many times we talk about how Jesus died for us... and that's true he did die for each and every one of us. but before he could die he had to live. he had to be born. He was born for us.

Because of the baby I laid to rest I honor the baby that was laid in a manger.
Because he took his first breath I know Amirra didn't take her last.
Because he lived... because he LIVES she will live again....

Christmas is so very different this year... I miss my daughter so much..... i feel her absents in everything i see in everything i do.... i wish more than anything in this world that i could hold her just one more time... that i could wrap her up and protect her from this cold. i want my baby... thats all i want this Christmas... or every Christmas for the rest of eternity. but since i cant hold her or cuddle her or wrap her up, my prayer is that all of you can turn your thoughts to the babe that was given to save my babe that was not. This Christmas honor my angel baby Amirra by honoring the angel baby that was born unto us all. 

Different kind of Christmas- a beautiful song written for just such a time. 

Merry Christmas. 

What do I have to be Thankful for?

This whole day is dedicated to giving thanks. From morn until about 6pm when black Friday sales start anyways... everyone thinking, listing, expressing all the things they are thankful for. It kinda makes me sick....

For the sake of all fairness I want to be real with you! In many of my post I write about life and the pain and all that sucks but I always turn back to God. and honestly this may be that way as well but I wanted to be real with you and say that I also hate life. I curse God. he took my daughter away and there are days that I go from praising him to cursing him all in a matter of minuets. I wanted to be real and say my faith has wavered on numerous occasions. What is the point of this life...... every one of us will experience loss at some point. What if there is no here after? What if we just die? What the hell? Do you realize how many people there have been on this earth? and they have all died! every single one of them has died! We are all living just to die! Everything I love will at one point be taken away form me! I wanted to be real and tell you that I get low sometimes. I get so low and I don't see the light. I loose all hope of ever being happy or whole or anything but a dark vacant shell of the person I used to be.

So what do I have to be grateful for?

Besides people telling me that "she died for a reason" the only other thing that I absolutely hate is when people say "you have three other healthy babies you should just be happy about that" it makes me want to ask them "your right, tell me which of your children you would like to give up because the others are good enough to make you happy"

What do I have to be grateful for this year? Thanksgiving for what?

I was supposed to have a sweet little baby in my arms right this very moment. But what now? I should just be thankful for everything else I have? I guess this post is a middle finger to all those who think that should be the case.

Its so complicated to be both grateful and sorrowful! Its so hard to find that balance! Its so hard when your life is in utter shambles yet there are moments of joy. Its so confusing the feelings you get when you don't know if you should be happy or sad, screaming or laughing. How can you be so grateful and yet so desperately miserable at the same time....

How do you live a life of both black and white.....

I guess if anyone could do it I have the most credentials right.

I am so incredible sad. I am so sad! I'm so sad I cant hardly breath! I miss Amirra! I want her here more then I want anything! I want her to be mine, in my arms, sleeping as if there wasn't a care in the world. I wish I could have held all my babies on this day. and Thanked God for the blessing of what is. But that's not what I have to be grateful for this year..... or any year to come...

Recently I found this

Michelle means "gift from God".................. It made me cry when I read that.

When we named Amirra it wasn't easy. How do you give an angel a name? What could ever sum up the feelings we feel for her. All that she was to us, is to us. All the dreams we had for her. Most important what she taught us.

As I've told you before Amirra is Hebrew for Princess. so her name means Princess Gift from God.
we did research Amirra but not Michelle. We named her Michelle because that is the name of the person we would want for her to most emulate here on earth and in her life to come. Our friend Michelle is everything we would want our Amirra to be and everything I know her to be. They are both kind and selfless and giving and an example of hope and service and Christ like love. Michelle is a gift to us. And Amirra Michelle was exactly that. A gift from God. A daughter of God.

This thanksgiving I am both morning the lack of her presence and praising the gift that she is in my life. I guess that is what I do and don't have to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving..

*The 6 of us on Thanksgiving. 

A labor of love

She would have been here..... She would have been a pumpkin, or a bunny, or tinkerbell, or Anna while her sister was Elsa. Honestly it doesn't matter what she would have been she would have been adorable. And she most likely would sleep through all 2 million pictures I took of her in her costume. 

They say that the first holidays are the hardest. I was honestly not prepared. I wasn't aware how much I had looked forward to this fist Holliday with a new baby. I'm sure many of you know I love dressing up and I didn't get to with her. I was unaware how much I wanted to spend this Holliday with Amirra until it's here and my heart is broken. 

4 months was a big one. Who am I kidding they are all big ones. But We wanted to make it a special one. I finally got all of the donations ready to be taken to the hospital. When I was pregnant with Amirra we had a few baby showers because "No life is too short to celebrate" and at these celebrations of life we spent the time crocheting and sewing baby beenies and cloth diapers for the micro preemies and angel babies born at the local hospital. 

I can't explain the feeling I got snipping the threads.  tucking the yarn. Pinning the diapers. I remember the time I spent crocheting them. The hopes I had to snug her up in them.

Those moments never came for me, but Lorenzo and I are now a part of a club that no one ever wishes to be inducted into, and we know the endless pain that comes along with it. It was such a painful joy to take these teeny tiny items to the hospital for other babies and parents in such pain. Just a little bit of color in the darkest of places. Just a little something In honor of our Sweet Princess Amirra Michelle!!! One way we are trying to love her longer than life. 

when your staring at the sky

I can't believe how beautiful the weather is outside. Its so perfect, and so are the colors.

we have been so busy lately. Homeschool and activities, friends and birthdays, parties and movie nights, snuggles and laughter. I swear there is never a dull moment. There is also not a moment I don't wish my beautiful Amirra was here with us... enjoying the fall. Its still so warm we could have her out without having to bundle her up. I bet she would love hiking as much as her brothers and sister does.

There are still tears, and sadness. Sometimes I catch myself laughing like I used to and it still feels a little weird. I think I have finally come to a place where I don't feel guilty about being happy though. Ive come to a place where I feel her more when I am happy then when I am sad. I know that the sad is for me and not for her. I know she wants so much for us to be happy. I know that because I want so much for her to be happy as well...

during the Lds general conference last weekend Elder Holland gave a talk entitled "behold thy mother".... oh man if you haven't heard or read it you most defiantly should... no matter you religious affiliation anyone who has or is a mother will absolutely feel uplifted.... and you'll probably want to call your mommy! anyways he talks about how our mothers not only bare us but continue to bare with us throughout all of our lives... He also says no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child. oh how true I feel that is.

 this part is my favorite:

Maternal love has to be divine. There is no other explanation for it. What mothers do is an essential element of Christ’s work. Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can [then] say with Jesus, ‘[Father!] I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.’¹¹ ”


I have thought over and over and over again this part. I still have 4 children. I know there are some people in the world that just wont be able to understand that but it is the truth! I am a mother of 4 now and forever. And at that last day will I be able to say "father i have finished the work which thou gavest me to do"? There are so many books on how to be a good mother. different tactics and philosophies. But how can i be a good mother to Amirra? I don't get to teach her or hold her, feed her or snuggle her. There is no crying solution or co sleeping. How can I show her my never ending love for her from so far away.

I'm not so sure I have the answer yet. and maybe it will be a different answer from day to day. But I am realizing that 1) I can be a good mother to Amirra by still living.

That is so hard to do... its so hard to remember how to breath.... remember to exhale. remember to laugh every once in a while. remember that honoring her doesn't mean that I never have joy again. How silly to think that she is up in heaven moping around wishing she was here. I can only imagine that she is so so joyful.... and so so busy...

along those lines comes my realization number 2) I can help her. I am still her mother! I will always be her mother and I will bare and continue to bare with her all the days of my life. I choose to believe that she is continuing her mission in the celestial realm. And I have no doubt there will be times that she will need me, here on this side of the veil,, to assist her in her duties. I know that I can do things for her still. I can be the shoulder to cry on for a soul that she was sent to comfort. I can be the example to the person she was sent to inspire. I can do my genealogy and temple work for those that she is tirelessly up there teaching. I did and will bare, bore, carry, support... anything. I will be her mother here on earth until I once again get to be the mother that hugs her goodnight!

Life is really hard... even when its busy.... but I still have 3 other children that need me. And i am trying so hard to see the joy that Life can posses. In the small and simple things. Its so hard to move forward when you are staring at the sky.....




 but maybe one day all of my children will as it says in Prov. 31:28 arise up, and call her blessed...
until then I will continue living and loving longer than life.

The Autopsy

It as exactly 3 months to the day that I received that call..... the one I had been dreading and praying for since my little angel was wheeled away in her little hospital basinet.

I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. It couldn't possibly have been 3 months since I laid her in there and allowed the nurse to take her out of my room one last time. I remember when I was pregnant with her I used to tell Lorenzo "I just don't know how I am going to do it. How am I going to watch as they just take her away" I knew it was coming. I knew from the first time I held her that I was on a time limit at how many snuggles I got. I was really worried that I was going to cause a scene and they would have to come and rip her from my arms and sedate me...... In all honesty now I wish that was what happened. I wish her little spirit hadn't been so strong there and the peace so consuming that I allowed them do take her... I wish I was freaking the freak out and kicking and screaming.... is that weird to wish for. Now looking back I wish I would have let out more of what I had on the inside.... the kicking and screaming and freaking the freak out!

She was there with me though. I felt her little spirit so strong.

Now three months later there is still a vice grip on my heart!

Its truly amazing just how physical the pain is. Its almost all consuming at times. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.

I find myself asking "what am I supposed to tell myself when I am baby hungry?" not only can I not just create or buy or steal another baby.... I don't want that... I'm not hungry for another baby (lol that sounds a little creepy)... I want my baby! I want my little Amirra. my little princess.

Initially they said it would take 4-6 weeks to have the autopsy report back to us. Oh how wrong they were. I thought about calling in and seeing where the status was - complaining that it was taking longer then they said. But in reality I didn't want to know. I did but I didn't. I knew they were going to wait until my little life was starting to find its way back together and then call and drop a bombshell on it and me all over again. And that is exactly what happened.

They were really so nice about telling me, so compassionate, you could tell.

Amirra had Turner Syndrome.... only females get TS and interestingly enough many don't even know they have it until they hit puberty... yes people do live with TS.

However in cases like Amirra where it is a more severe case and develops other compilations the chance of survival is non excitant. 

They gave me a bunch of numbers and statistics but basically there was no way she would have survived... 99% of these cases result in a miscarriage before you even realize you are pregnant.

Honestly I don't feel like going over all the factors and the problems and the chances and the specifics of her case because honestly it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter what or how or why.... what matters is that I had a perfect little gift that I got to hold for all of her lifetime and that I wasn't the reason she didn't get to stay. I guess that's really what it comes down to. I had to know that I didn't cause this. that it wasn't my fault. You couldn't possibly know how agonizing it is laying awake at night wondering if you killed your baby... to cry so hard until you about pass out because what if... what if its your fault... what if you destroyed the one thing you wanted so badly!!

All the other stuff doesn't really matter. Its not like it changes anything anyways. She truly is gone.. and everyday she just becomes even more gone. But I get to all her mine forever. And no matter what the test results say she was and IS PERFECT.

and I love her Longer Than Life

Amirras Due Date

I have had so many WORST DAYS of my LIFE in the last few months... today was just another one of those! Today was the day. My sweet babies due date...
....
.....
......
.......
.............

 it feels a lot like Christmas came but Santa did not.

I have had this day on my mind for months now and as it has gotten closer its the first time I have actually dreaded a due date. I wished for this day just not to come at all. I honestly don't even know what to say. There is no way for me to even begin to explain through words what this feels like.... I thought it was going to get easier with time, in a lot of ways it has, but there is a pain that comes with this day and the realization that she would be here with us right now that is more painful then all the other days combined. Everyday this month has been a painful countdown to something that could have been but never will be. A dream I held but it slipped through my fingers. The picture perfect that went up in flames and with it all my purpose and direction in life.

Amirra Michelle Riddle...... she could have been healthy, and happy, and whole.... she could have been here with me.... perfect and tiny and mine.

How painfully ironic that she was born exactly 12 weeks ago today... 12 weeks to the day before she was supposed to.... how painful every day since then has been...

oh my precious Amirra, I have felt every day of your absence. Even when you are near you are too far away. I want so badly to hold you. So badly that my arms hurt. I wonder if you know just how much I wanted you, how much I prayed for you, how much I long for you? Do you have any idea how bad my heart hurts for you?

I wanted to spend the day snuggling you. I wanted to spend the day counting your fingers and toes. I wanted today to be filled with napping and kisses and tickles and crying and cooing and all the amazing things that come along with a brand new baby. Your daddy wanted so badly to spend the day holding you while you slept close to his chest. Your brothers wanted to take turns holding you and your sister more then anyone wanted to be the one to welcome you here to the world.... her life long best friend that mommy made just for her. There is not a single thing we wouldn't have given to spend this day with YOU!

Today was spent very differently.

the day began very rainy and droopy just like how we all felt inside...
daddy took the day off because lets face it we all knew today was going to be a hard day.
I laid in bed for a very long time wondering if I wanted to get up at all.... ever....
But I did get up... I got up for you.... I wanted to spend the day honoring you. I think you were with us all day.

We spent most of the morning just trying not to cry....
 we opened presents for the family in honor of your "birth" day...

We ate lunch at the cemetery with you because its so peaceful there ...

We went up the mountain and went for a hike because that's where we feel you the most...

We drew pictures of our favorite things to send up to heaven to you.....

I even wore every single Amirra necklace that I have all at once...

I think our favorite part was watching the balloons take our letters up to you....

And yes I know my hair was crazy all day!! The wind was blowing really hard! 

Every min of this day was spent praying for you, missing you, loving and longing for you. Amirra you are so loved.... you are so so so so so loved....
I wish you were here more than anything in this world.
I wish I could kiss your face right this minute.
I wish I could just hold you all day and all night.


Loving you Longer than Life