the worst time of day is in the morning when I'm still clinging onto that dream where I'm rocking my sweet little newborn baby. I cant tell yet which is real life and which is the dream. And then it all comes back to me... and I wish more then anything I could just go back to the dream... go back to when life was happy. I just want to go back to a month ago when all the ultrasound tech had to do was tell us "well baby looks great and its a ....." I know several people that found out terrible news when they went into their 20 week ultrasound... news that their baby had a complication that would effect their lives forever... I remember reading about how devastating the news was and how they were sad that their baby wouldn't have the same full life they had pictured for them. I remember reading it and thinking "oh that is so sad" or hard or unfair or something.... Now I look back and just wish I could have their trial instead of my own. At least they get to see their sweet children grow up. I see their kids now growing up through pictures on facebook and can only imagine the joy they get through the trials of everyday life. I never thought I would envy them.
This Dr. apt was much like all the rest... a quick check of my urine, heart rate, weight, measure my belly and a quick look at the baby. For the past few weeks I have been complaining to Lorenzo that I feel like my stomach muscles are just getting ripped apart. It hurts so bad like I'm stretching more then is possible. It made no sense to me, I've had 3 children after all... well 2weeks ago I measured 25 weeks and at this apt I measured 29 weeks..... Keep in mind I'm only 23 weeks. Now I understand. It made a lot of sense also when we did an ultrasound. Baby is growing, unfortunately so is the cyst. It has also developed more compartments to it because it is growing. :( still no amniotic fluid. still no way to see the gender. That one I'm ok with though.... I now want it to be a surprise. At least at delivery there will be ONE exciting thing to look forward to. Baby's heartbeat is so strong at 140 which is surprising to me given the heart defect. Its also a very strong baby, it kept kicking the Doppler thingy as the dr was doing the ultrasound and the kicks were strong enough to move his hand. He found that amusing. I on the other hand am really used to it....
Other then the uncomfortable growing, and still having really strong morning sickness, I'm healthy. There's nothing to do but keep going. one day at a time I guess
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