Yesterday and today have been emotional ones for me... yesterday marked two years from our first ultrasound when they couldn't really tell us anything except that things didn't look good and we had to go to a specialist... Today marks two years from the heart breaking moment when they looked me in the eye and said that my baby was going to die. I didn't believe them. I didn't want to believe them. I had had 3 healthy babies and this one was going to live. This was the kind of thing that happened to OTHER people. You know stuff you read about from a friend of a friend on Facebook.(lol)
Two years ago we started on this heartbreaking path. There is no way in heaven or hell we would have chosen this path for ourselves. Yes, I am in a place where I can look back and see the blessings through the trial and the growth through the pain. but sometimes you just don't want to be a better person.
So now two years later it still hurts. I still find myself overwhelmed with sorrow and break down and cry while I'm tying someone's shoes, or sorting laundry, or driving to a practice, all because I wish I could be doing all of this for one more little riddle. I just want her here. And that still hurts. I don't think it will ever not hurt. and maybe its not supposed to. In all honesty I think something would be wrong if it didn't still hurt. But the hurt sucks and the longing never ends.
I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. I'm glad I was completely unaware of the train wreck fallowed by an atomic bomb and then poured over with acid that my heart would experience in the coming months. the coming years. I'm glad I didn't know everything that was going to happen because I would have lost all hope and in turn lost all reason to continue. I'm glad I was able to hope till the very end. and I'm so very greatful that the other side of the storm, though drawn out does come... it may sprinkle still from time to time but there are moments where the sun shines through.
Two years ago today my little family started on a 9 week road till the bitter end and the glorious eternal beginning. Our lives were forever changed that day for the worse and for the better. It was the beginning of this new life we live now. The life where we have a missing person at the table and in family pictures. The life where we pray for an angel and ask for protection from a guardian. The life where certain days hurt because of her absence and others are so special with the feeling of her near.
And as all of you know by now this life where we Love Longer than Life. and we always will.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Friday, February 24, 2017
Missionary Mom
It's been well over a year now. In fact it's leaning closer to two. I wish I could say I'm super well adjusted to life after a loss but honestly it seems like each month I encounter a new trial associated with loosing a child and I have to learn a new way to breath again. Moving.... moving for instance brought a whole new set of pains I hadn't anticipated. Like the separation anxiety I feel at not being able to go to her graveside whenever I wanted because it was literally 4 min away. And then there's the whole meeting new people. The sweet families in our neighborhood that are only trying to get to know me when they ask "how many kids do you have" .... it's hard.... hard trying to balance the joy of her memory and the sadness of her loss.
Because I've been asked so much lately how many children I have I've had to really face how I'm going to answer that question. There's the easiest 3, which is how many I'm raising, or there's the complicated 4 that then gets followed by "what are their ages" .... why do ppl have to be so nice and want to be my friend lol. No in all honesty their kindness has been such a blessing. The real problem is why does this question have to be so complicated. It causes such stress and ptsd for me. I've honestly had panic attacks because either I'm worried I will get asked this question and not know what to say or I get asked the question and know what I should say but I just can't do it. It gets awkward for these poor strangers who are getting way more than they bargained for.
A few months ago with attending my churches young woman's Sunday school class. They had some moms in there that either currently had or had experienced sending a child off to a full time LDS mission. If your not familiar with these the jist of it is that our youth, generally 18 year old boys and 19 year old girls, chose to devote 18 months to 2 years of their life serving our Father in Heaven by spreading the gospel to people in diverse places... They pack few items and are shipped to where the Lord calls them. They put their lives on hold and devote every waking moment to the service of the people around them and the service of teaching all they can about our Lord Jesus Christ.
As I sat there listening to these sweet moms... some of which were right in the thick of missing the heck out of their babies I felt for them... I felt with them... they said things like "I miss him so much but I know he is where the Lord wants him to be" and "I know that she is blessing those she is serving more than anything she could be doing here right now" and "I really look forward to the next time they get to call or write and I look forward to finally getting to hug them again" ........ These sweet moms. How everything they said resonated with me... I too miss my sweet Amirra, I also know she is exactly where our father in heaven wants her to be. I feel strongly that she is serving more on that side then she would have been on this side... I too wait, so very impatiently, for the next time I get to feel her presence near. And on some days I still remember what it feels like to want to die just so I can hold her in my arms once more time.
I gained both strength and pain from this experience... I was so saddened that they got that sweet reunion with their missionaries. Those precious youth served their 18 months and then went home to the moms who's arms were acing to hold them. I was strengthened because I now had a response to that tough question of "how many kids do you have, how old are they, where's the 4th one"?
Now I simply say I have 4 children my 4th is currently serving a full fulltime mission on the other side of the veil.
Some day's I still wish I could write to the first presidency and demand to know why my missionary hasn't been sent home yet!?! She has served her time now give her back to me! I bet that conversation would make it into someone's conference talk down the road LOL!! But in the meantime I will draw strength from the knowledge that she is on a sacred mission, one that blesses my life as well as others. I will forever look forward to our sweet reunion when my arms wrap around her and I tell her how very proud I am of her and the work she has done. And then I will never, ever let go.
Loving her despite the time and distance
Longer Than Life
Because I've been asked so much lately how many children I have I've had to really face how I'm going to answer that question. There's the easiest 3, which is how many I'm raising, or there's the complicated 4 that then gets followed by "what are their ages" .... why do ppl have to be so nice and want to be my friend lol. No in all honesty their kindness has been such a blessing. The real problem is why does this question have to be so complicated. It causes such stress and ptsd for me. I've honestly had panic attacks because either I'm worried I will get asked this question and not know what to say or I get asked the question and know what I should say but I just can't do it. It gets awkward for these poor strangers who are getting way more than they bargained for.
A few months ago with attending my churches young woman's Sunday school class. They had some moms in there that either currently had or had experienced sending a child off to a full time LDS mission. If your not familiar with these the jist of it is that our youth, generally 18 year old boys and 19 year old girls, chose to devote 18 months to 2 years of their life serving our Father in Heaven by spreading the gospel to people in diverse places... They pack few items and are shipped to where the Lord calls them. They put their lives on hold and devote every waking moment to the service of the people around them and the service of teaching all they can about our Lord Jesus Christ.
As I sat there listening to these sweet moms... some of which were right in the thick of missing the heck out of their babies I felt for them... I felt with them... they said things like "I miss him so much but I know he is where the Lord wants him to be" and "I know that she is blessing those she is serving more than anything she could be doing here right now" and "I really look forward to the next time they get to call or write and I look forward to finally getting to hug them again" ........ These sweet moms. How everything they said resonated with me... I too miss my sweet Amirra, I also know she is exactly where our father in heaven wants her to be. I feel strongly that she is serving more on that side then she would have been on this side... I too wait, so very impatiently, for the next time I get to feel her presence near. And on some days I still remember what it feels like to want to die just so I can hold her in my arms once more time.
I gained both strength and pain from this experience... I was so saddened that they got that sweet reunion with their missionaries. Those precious youth served their 18 months and then went home to the moms who's arms were acing to hold them. I was strengthened because I now had a response to that tough question of "how many kids do you have, how old are they, where's the 4th one"?
Now I simply say I have 4 children my 4th is currently serving a full fulltime mission on the other side of the veil.
Some day's I still wish I could write to the first presidency and demand to know why my missionary hasn't been sent home yet!?! She has served her time now give her back to me! I bet that conversation would make it into someone's conference talk down the road LOL!! But in the meantime I will draw strength from the knowledge that she is on a sacred mission, one that blesses my life as well as others. I will forever look forward to our sweet reunion when my arms wrap around her and I tell her how very proud I am of her and the work she has done. And then I will never, ever let go.
Loving her despite the time and distance
Longer Than Life
One of the best gift I've ever received.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
June
Watching the news this morning and all I keep hearing over and over again is that today is June 1st, 2016... "Welcome to June"
I'm not sure I can do this... how is it already June... this time last year I was living everyday wondering whether that light at the end of the tunnel was Gods saving grace or a train coming to crush me. And most of all I was wondering when. When would the day be that I had to say goodbye and let go. so I lived every day as a blessing. This year I feel infinitely worse... This year I know that light is a train. going a million miles and hour and weighing in at a zillion tons. I know exactly how hard it hits and just how badly it hurts. and worst of all I know exactly down to the second when it will strike me back down. This time however I am quite sure that it will run over me, back up, and hit me again.
I see now what a gift it was last year to not know. It felt like waiting around for dooms day but this... this is worse.
I hate you June. I hate that you are warm and you are so inviting. I hate that I cant deny my wish to be out playing in your sunshine. I hate how you smell like spring and fresh flowers and you sound like children's laughter. I hate how this perfect weather keeps a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart. God knew I needed you June to be my warm embrace during this hard time. God knew that if he took Amirra from me in the depths of cold winter where everything was gray and cold and dead that my heart would not be able to cope. I hate you June. But if all my sweet Amirra remembers about her time here is that way you made me feel and the way you make the world happy and new then I am grateful. I hate you June. But thank you for giving me the light of a new day and a reason to get out of bed. Thank you for giving me the warm embrace of an angel on the other side. Thank you for being the bright light in the darkness of despair. Thank you for shinning even brighter for my precious Amirra.
I miss you Amirra
Love you Longer than Life
I'm not sure I can do this... how is it already June... this time last year I was living everyday wondering whether that light at the end of the tunnel was Gods saving grace or a train coming to crush me. And most of all I was wondering when. When would the day be that I had to say goodbye and let go. so I lived every day as a blessing. This year I feel infinitely worse... This year I know that light is a train. going a million miles and hour and weighing in at a zillion tons. I know exactly how hard it hits and just how badly it hurts. and worst of all I know exactly down to the second when it will strike me back down. This time however I am quite sure that it will run over me, back up, and hit me again.
I see now what a gift it was last year to not know. It felt like waiting around for dooms day but this... this is worse.
I hate you June. I hate that you are warm and you are so inviting. I hate that I cant deny my wish to be out playing in your sunshine. I hate how you smell like spring and fresh flowers and you sound like children's laughter. I hate how this perfect weather keeps a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart. God knew I needed you June to be my warm embrace during this hard time. God knew that if he took Amirra from me in the depths of cold winter where everything was gray and cold and dead that my heart would not be able to cope. I hate you June. But if all my sweet Amirra remembers about her time here is that way you made me feel and the way you make the world happy and new then I am grateful. I hate you June. But thank you for giving me the light of a new day and a reason to get out of bed. Thank you for giving me the warm embrace of an angel on the other side. Thank you for being the bright light in the darkness of despair. Thank you for shinning even brighter for my precious Amirra.
I miss you Amirra
Love you Longer than Life
Thursday, April 21, 2016
The hardest year of our lives
I don't know how to feel right now... its been an a kind of crummy day... which seems fitting...
I guess I can be happy in saying that I survived the hardest most challenging, most gut wrenching year of my life... but honestly I'm only.... well lets say I'm only 21... why add insult to injury right now... anyways. I'm young. And there is so much of life left to live.. There is so many more years to top this year in being the worst. So saying "I survived the WORST year of my life" has to be followed with "so far".....
Yesterday was another epic 1 year mark... it was the 1 year mark of what I though was going to be one of the most exciting days of my life... this is the post I had on Instagram yesterday.....
If you have read my previous post enough you know that I really did know something was coming... Before we got to the dr office I had a feeling though I wouldn't day I had a feeling something was wrong. For the first time I didn't tell anyone when my ultrasound was going to be... no one knew.. even our parents or our friends, some of whom had asked us the day(s) before. we just told everyone it was coming up soon... I don't know why I didn't want anyone to know when it was. It just felt like a good idea.. Now I know that it was tender mercy from heaven. having everyone texting or calling me after the appointment to ask questions I didn't have the answer to would only have been all the more painful than the situation already was.... I cant tell you how hard those hours were... or how slowly they ticked by.... that picture was after I had talked to my doctor and he said things looked really bad... sweet Evelett... such a strength to me.
(the picture of Evelett and I just before leaving for the hospital)
1 year ago today we walked into the longest nightmare.. the most painful heartache... the worst life changing news I could have ever imagined.... 1 year ago to day I found out I was going to burry my baby.... this is an exert from When an Ultrasound goes Devastatingly Wrong that I wrote that night
So what now?
* there is no cure......... what? no cure......
* there is no treatment......
* there is no survival rate..... WHAT????
The extra fluid will put too much strain on the heart and it will eventually stop beating.
Survival outside of the womb is nonexistent
Basically your baby will die and you will not be bringing this baby home from the hospital...Ever!
Dear lord in heaven... how is this your plan for us... how is this real life... how dear father am I supposed to keep on living every day as if nothing has changed... how am I supposed to wake up every single moment and go to bed every single night wondering if my baby is still alive and wondering how much longer it will be in there and wondering if I will ever hear its first cry or if it will be snuffed out before that blessed moment happens... how am I supposed to respond to the sweet old ladies in the grocery store that ask me how far along and what I'm having and how excited I must be... father, how am I supposed to tell my children that baby will not be coming home with us... father give me strength.
I guess I can be happy in saying that I survived the hardest most challenging, most gut wrenching year of my life... but honestly I'm only.... well lets say I'm only 21... why add insult to injury right now... anyways. I'm young. And there is so much of life left to live.. There is so many more years to top this year in being the worst. So saying "I survived the WORST year of my life" has to be followed with "so far".....
Yesterday was another epic 1 year mark... it was the 1 year mark of what I though was going to be one of the most exciting days of my life... this is the post I had on Instagram yesterday.....
1 year ago today.... We started what was to be one of the most excited days of our lives in a rush... Hurry hurry hurry to get to the dr. In such a rush to see what baby was. Boy or girl? Pink or blue? And of course like everyone says "I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy"
I wish I wasn't in such a hurry. I wish I had stopped just to love another moment in the before. Because everything after changed. I just want to go back to the before. Before the pain before the fear.
1year ago today the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't tell us anything. 1year ago today was the start of the hardest 24 hrs of my pregnancy. This is me balling at the unknown. I had to wait all day just to find out that my worst fears were coming true anyways. This sweet girl of mine has been such a support to me. Such an angel. She was sent first for a reason. I love my baby girls and how much they love their momma. They are both so dear to me and are always there for me when I need some extra love.
If you have read my previous post enough you know that I really did know something was coming... Before we got to the dr office I had a feeling though I wouldn't day I had a feeling something was wrong. For the first time I didn't tell anyone when my ultrasound was going to be... no one knew.. even our parents or our friends, some of whom had asked us the day(s) before. we just told everyone it was coming up soon... I don't know why I didn't want anyone to know when it was. It just felt like a good idea.. Now I know that it was tender mercy from heaven. having everyone texting or calling me after the appointment to ask questions I didn't have the answer to would only have been all the more painful than the situation already was.... I cant tell you how hard those hours were... or how slowly they ticked by.... that picture was after I had talked to my doctor and he said things looked really bad... sweet Evelett... such a strength to me.
(the picture of Evelett and I just before leaving for the hospital)
1 year ago today we walked into the longest nightmare.. the most painful heartache... the worst life changing news I could have ever imagined.... 1 year ago to day I found out I was going to burry my baby.... this is an exert from When an Ultrasound goes Devastatingly Wrong that I wrote that night
So what now?
* there is no cure......... what? no cure......
* there is no treatment......
* there is no survival rate..... WHAT????
The extra fluid will put too much strain on the heart and it will eventually stop beating.
Survival outside of the womb is nonexistent
Basically your baby will die and you will not be bringing this baby home from the hospital...Ever!
Dear lord in heaven... how is this your plan for us... how is this real life... how dear father am I supposed to keep on living every day as if nothing has changed... how am I supposed to wake up every single moment and go to bed every single night wondering if my baby is still alive and wondering how much longer it will be in there and wondering if I will ever hear its first cry or if it will be snuffed out before that blessed moment happens... how am I supposed to respond to the sweet old ladies in the grocery store that ask me how far along and what I'm having and how excited I must be... father, how am I supposed to tell my children that baby will not be coming home with us... father give me strength.
I had no idea then just how painful those moments were going to be for me... how painful it would be to call the nurse in to take the baby away. how painful it would be to leave the hospital alone. how painful it would be to be awakened at night by the cries of the neighbors baby through the adjoining wall... I had so much fear of what the unknown was. But I still had so much hope.... I remember writing that I wanted to stay forever in the before... before she died.. before when I could feel her kick, feel her move, feel her hiccups. Because the after would always be after and the before was but a short precious amount of time... A time where hope was allowed to endure....
Now that I am in the after I can say that my fear of what the pain would be like paled in comparison to the reality of it... That kind of pain never goes away.
In the last year I have cried and screamed and prayed and cursed and laughed and kicked myself for doing so. In the last year I have received blessings, and had had people both fast and pray for me, I have gone to the temple and searched the scriptures. I have left my testimony and tried so desperately to find it again. In the last year I held an angel I felt her move inside me, kick her brothers and sisters, and been the place where her heart took its first and last beat. In the last year I buried my child, I watched them close the casket, I said my goodbyes and I walked away. In the last year I have stood in the blazing sun the poring rain and knelt in the freezing snow at her graveside... I have seen the season change... all four of them.. In this death and hell that has been my life this last year....
There are so many things that I have learned through this last year that I couldn't count them if I tried. Some I am grateful for and others not even a little....
But if anything I have learned most of all that Love never stops.. never for a moment... the love of a mother for her child never ends even if that child was but one sentence in the novel that we call life...
This has been the most horrific year of my life... (So far) and I wouldn't give it up because I love my Amirra Michelle
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Easter
ITS EASTER!!!
Can you believe its spring... of course with this Utah weather we get all 4 seasons in one day so who really could tell it was spring. But the days are getting longer and the sun is getting warmer. And with the spring so to comes Easter Sunday.
I must admit, though I am a lover of all holidays, Easter has never been my favorite.... or second favorite... Growing up we did the Easter egg dying and we did the resurrection eggs every year. I knew the true meaning of Easter.... What's with celebrating a bunny that lays eggs anyways! I haven't really pushed the holiday on my kids either.. we do the minimal and I make sure they understand why we are celebrating and what the day is really for. But I don't have the spirit of Easter in my heart.
We always get so hyped up around Christmas... "do you have the true spirit of Christmas" and "the reason for the season" and those sort of things... Christmas is of course such a Christ centered holiday and i love to celebrate his birth. But not until now do I fully grasp the magnitude of Easter.... not until now did I have the spirit of Easter in my heart, in my thoughts, in my actions as I did with Christmas. not until now did I truly understand that he was born to die.
We all die. we will all one day take our last breath. So too has every person that has been born into this world. It is a part of our life, our test here on earth. All test end eventually. Sadly some of us are really fast test takers.
1 Corinthians 15:22 says "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive".
I find that often times in life we can know something... and then we can really KNOW something. The depth of our understanding often times is in direct relation to its relevance in our life.
I always knew that I would die. I knew we all would die. I also knew that because of the man I call savior we shall live again. but NOW it means all the difference in my ENTIRE life!
The man that I call Savior lived a humble life starting with his birth in the most humble of places
The man that I call Savior was perfect. he never touched an unclean thing. He was sinless.
The man that I call Savior truly is the son of God
The man that I call Savior went about his mortal life serving others, healing the sick and performing miracles
The man that I call Savior Loved... he loved so much. he cared, and he helped, and he healed, and he comforted.
The man that I call Savior was a friend, a companion, a leader, and a teacher
The man that I call Savior was ridiculed, and despised, and betrayed, and beaten, and killed.
and The man I call Savior "rose again on the third day"
and because he did he can still be all those things.
He rose on the third day!!! like can you wrap your heads around that! He is our LIVING Savior. He is still the son of God. The Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He IS our healer and our helper, our comforter and our friend. He IS our companion and our teacher. He IS all of those things.
He IS our Savior!!
Savior.... just think of that... how fitting... his one and only mission to come here to earth was to SAVE us... save us from sorrow, save us from sin, save us from that awful death and hell...
He came to save me... save me from this sorrow. save me from this emptiness save my broken heart
He came to save Amirra.....
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Not a day goes by that I do not long to have my baby in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how big she would be, what she would be doing. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for her. Pray that she knows how much I miss her... how much I love her.... how much I wanted to save her. but I didn't have to.... He already did.
oh what a life we would live if he wasn't every single thing he said he was. oh what a life we would have if he didn't do everything that he promised us he would do. What then... I cant even begin to humor the thought.
Luke 24
1 Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
Oh how I want to shout Hallelujah from the mountain tops.
Hallelujah... He Is Risen! He Is Risen!
and because he has Risen so to will you... so too will I ...
So too will she..
Because he is Risen we truly have the ability to Love Longer than Life!!
Happy Easter Amirra Michelle
Easter video: His sacred name
Can you believe its spring... of course with this Utah weather we get all 4 seasons in one day so who really could tell it was spring. But the days are getting longer and the sun is getting warmer. And with the spring so to comes Easter Sunday.
I must admit, though I am a lover of all holidays, Easter has never been my favorite.... or second favorite... Growing up we did the Easter egg dying and we did the resurrection eggs every year. I knew the true meaning of Easter.... What's with celebrating a bunny that lays eggs anyways! I haven't really pushed the holiday on my kids either.. we do the minimal and I make sure they understand why we are celebrating and what the day is really for. But I don't have the spirit of Easter in my heart.
We always get so hyped up around Christmas... "do you have the true spirit of Christmas" and "the reason for the season" and those sort of things... Christmas is of course such a Christ centered holiday and i love to celebrate his birth. But not until now do I fully grasp the magnitude of Easter.... not until now did I have the spirit of Easter in my heart, in my thoughts, in my actions as I did with Christmas. not until now did I truly understand that he was born to die.
Joy to the World There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter
We all die. we will all one day take our last breath. So too has every person that has been born into this world. It is a part of our life, our test here on earth. All test end eventually. Sadly some of us are really fast test takers.
1 Corinthians 15:22 says "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive".
I find that often times in life we can know something... and then we can really KNOW something. The depth of our understanding often times is in direct relation to its relevance in our life.
I always knew that I would die. I knew we all would die. I also knew that because of the man I call savior we shall live again. but NOW it means all the difference in my ENTIRE life!
The man that I call Savior lived a humble life starting with his birth in the most humble of places
The man that I call Savior was perfect. he never touched an unclean thing. He was sinless.
The man that I call Savior truly is the son of God
The man that I call Savior went about his mortal life serving others, healing the sick and performing miracles
The man that I call Savior Loved... he loved so much. he cared, and he helped, and he healed, and he comforted.
The man that I call Savior was a friend, a companion, a leader, and a teacher
The man that I call Savior was ridiculed, and despised, and betrayed, and beaten, and killed.
and The man I call Savior "rose again on the third day"
and because he did he can still be all those things.
He rose on the third day!!! like can you wrap your heads around that! He is our LIVING Savior. He is still the son of God. The Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He IS our healer and our helper, our comforter and our friend. He IS our companion and our teacher. He IS all of those things.
He IS our Savior!!
Savior.... just think of that... how fitting... his one and only mission to come here to earth was to SAVE us... save us from sorrow, save us from sin, save us from that awful death and hell...
He came to save me... save me from this sorrow. save me from this emptiness save my broken heart
He came to save Amirra.....
................
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................
................
..................
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Not a day goes by that I do not long to have my baby in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how big she would be, what she would be doing. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for her. Pray that she knows how much I miss her... how much I love her.... how much I wanted to save her. but I didn't have to.... He already did.
oh what a life we would live if he wasn't every single thing he said he was. oh what a life we would have if he didn't do everything that he promised us he would do. What then... I cant even begin to humor the thought.
Luke 24
1 Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
4 And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:
5 And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
Oh how I want to shout Hallelujah from the mountain tops.
Hallelujah... He Is Risen! He Is Risen!
and because he has Risen so to will you... so too will I ...
So too will she..
Because he is Risen we truly have the ability to Love Longer than Life!!
Happy Easter Amirra Michelle
Easter video: His sacred name
Monday, February 1, 2016
I Held You
"You wont be bringing baby home from the hospital"
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I cant tell you for how long those words haunted me. Kept me up at night. played over and over again in my head. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing playing on repeat as I cried myself to sleep.
She's not coming home. She's not coming home. She's never coming home.
looking back now I don't know how I didn't burst. And each day since I still wonder the same thing... How am I still put together when my insides are all in a scramble. My heart is shattered. Its one of those things you cant even explain and only those who have experienced it truly understand the depths to the words Heart Broken.
Its painful. And it last.... somedays you feel as though you will never again see the sun. and others you lay down at night with a smile and then want to kill yourself for even thinking you deserve to be happy again. How can you ever feel happy again when she is not here..... How dare you feel happy without her.
I have to tell you that here in the aftermath of the storm there is so much dust still settling. So much debris still falling from the sky. Some of which falls on your head and knocks you the F out!! and then when you wake up you wish you wouldn't have. Life after loss is fuzzy. Its scary and lonely and bleak. One of the hardest parts is that you are no longer the person you were. Imagine waking up one day and looking in the mirror to find a stranger staring back at you. That's a lot like how it feels. For some reason you literally loose WHO you are.... you reevaluate everything about your life and sometimes you come up with more questions than answers. What do I like? Who do I love? What do I want to be? What makes me happy? How do I spend my time? What's important to me?
WHO AM I
Life after loss is a lot of who am I's
Who am I now? do I still laugh? do I still get to have fun? Am I funny or fun or loud or spontaneous or sarcastic? Life after loss is not only learning how to live without your heart beating but also learning who you are as if you were reborn. My life ended the moment her heart stopped beating and this IS my new life. I AM a new person. And though I would never want to go through what I went through again...... I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world.
January was a hard one for me.... every one with their new years resolutions and commitment to do better here or be better there and just their goals in general.... I had no goals... I had no direction in life.... I was lost... I'm still trying to figure out who I am how could I try and set goals for myself.
Lorenzo and I were talking in December as the new year approached and we mentioned how 2015 was the worst year of our lives, how we couldn't wait for the new year and say see ya never again to 2015... but then the realization came to me that this was the year I got my angel. How could I ever hate this year? In this year she was created. 2015 was the year I got to feel her kick or stretch or move or hiccup. 2015 was when I got to hold her and kiss her and love her. 2015 was the only time I will ever have with my sweet Amirra.... how could I ever be happy with them being over. How quickly our opinions of a trial can change. how I am so grateful for that.
I can now say I am so grateful for the trial that was Amirras life and her death. I know there are so many that don't want to hear that. Many that are either spending their days with their face browed in prayer or buried in a tissue of tears struggling through their own trial and they don't want to hear this. But its true. I am so Grateful for Amirra. Everything that she was... Everything that she is now... I am so grateful for the lives that she touched.... and especially for the way she touched mine... I really was reborn because of her... I never will be the same person I was because of her and I couldn't be more proud. Because of my daughter I am stronger, I am more compassionate, I cry more, and I relish the moments of laughter more, I love deeper, I hug harder, I pray more intently. Because of Amirra I am closer to the spirit and more dedicated to my own spiritual gifts. Because of Amirra I have been blessed with friendships that are sent from heaven. I have people in my life so cherished and so dear.. they would and have done Anything for me. Because of Amirra I know what true service is. I know joy and sadness and pain. I know how to help mend a broken heart. Because of Amirra I know that a person need not even take a single breath to change one person... and that by changing one person you can change the world. Because I lost Amirra I know that there is no such thing as really loosing someone... I know where she is, who she is, what she is.... I know now more then ever that there is a God in Heaven. That there is a life after death. and that it is GLORIOUS.
After Amirra died we had so much help so much support. both from faces seen and those hidden... we had donations and food and hugs and kind words... we had people just come sit with us while we cried and those that dropped of gifts... our Angels calling themselves "My Heart Monday" givers brought us gifts every Monday for close to 6 months!!! because of Amirra I learned the goodness of humanity and the light of Christ that shines through so many of those around us.
I am truly grateful for all that I learned from my precious daughter.... I though I was supposed to be the teacher in this relationship....
Many weeks ago Lorenzo and I revealed our Love Longer than Life logo and said there were big things to come.... well here we are almost 8 months out and are finally ready to start step one in this process.... yes I have been dragging my feet on this one... a lot.... (insert image of sadness from the movie inside out doing a face fall)
Many of you may have also noticed that there was a blanket that we wrapped Amirra in when she was born with the logo on it... Well when we got that terrible news "you will not be bringing baby home" we were shattered... we couldn't stop thinking about how much we wanted her to know how much she was loved... and would be loved. Love isn't a mortal emotion, nor is it limited by mortality. just because she wouldn't be here with us doesn't mean our love for her would end... and so Love longer than life was born. in conjuction with that so was our "I HELD YOU " blanket... the thoughts of our family that would never get the opportunity to hold her filled us with grief non stop... my nonna and both of Lorenzo's grandparents. Amirras aunts and uncles and cousins and great aunt and great uncles and second cousins and friends... people we loved and who loved us and in turn loved her..... She had SO many people that loved her.... so many people we wanted so much to have the chance to snuggle her and squeeze her and hold her.... And that's where we got the "I HELD YOU" blanket idea from... as you can tell from the photos her blanket was well decorated... so many writing and affirmations of love and adoration. so many people who would never get to hold her in their arms were able to hold her with their love... and when we wrapped that blanket around our precious Amirra she was held by every single one of them. And when we laid her to rest..... she was wrapped in our love forever....
......
......
......
......
And now we are ready to share.... share this very personal piece of our angle baby with anyone in need...
We have now created this line of merchandise and the profit of which goes to supply more families suffering from misscaragie, still born, or infant loss... we will be donating these special "I HELD YOU" blankets with fabric markers to these precious families in hopes that they too will be able to wrap their angels in a love that last forever. It is small and simple yes .. but it meant the world to us... and our prayer is that through our pain and our trial and our suffering others may also be able to relish in the knowledge that Love truly Last Longer than Life
here is a link to our etsy shop Longer than Life... remember we are not professionals yet and are trying our best to honor our daughter and those in need but we are still human... so bear with us while we work out all of the kinks. if you have any questions please e-mail me at lovelongerthanlife@gmail.com
.....
.......
........
..........
................
I cant tell you for how long those words haunted me. Kept me up at night. played over and over again in my head. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing playing on repeat as I cried myself to sleep.
She's not coming home. She's not coming home. She's never coming home.
looking back now I don't know how I didn't burst. And each day since I still wonder the same thing... How am I still put together when my insides are all in a scramble. My heart is shattered. Its one of those things you cant even explain and only those who have experienced it truly understand the depths to the words Heart Broken.
Its painful. And it last.... somedays you feel as though you will never again see the sun. and others you lay down at night with a smile and then want to kill yourself for even thinking you deserve to be happy again. How can you ever feel happy again when she is not here..... How dare you feel happy without her.
I have to tell you that here in the aftermath of the storm there is so much dust still settling. So much debris still falling from the sky. Some of which falls on your head and knocks you the F out!! and then when you wake up you wish you wouldn't have. Life after loss is fuzzy. Its scary and lonely and bleak. One of the hardest parts is that you are no longer the person you were. Imagine waking up one day and looking in the mirror to find a stranger staring back at you. That's a lot like how it feels. For some reason you literally loose WHO you are.... you reevaluate everything about your life and sometimes you come up with more questions than answers. What do I like? Who do I love? What do I want to be? What makes me happy? How do I spend my time? What's important to me?
WHO AM I
Life after loss is a lot of who am I's
Who am I now? do I still laugh? do I still get to have fun? Am I funny or fun or loud or spontaneous or sarcastic? Life after loss is not only learning how to live without your heart beating but also learning who you are as if you were reborn. My life ended the moment her heart stopped beating and this IS my new life. I AM a new person. And though I would never want to go through what I went through again...... I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world.
January was a hard one for me.... every one with their new years resolutions and commitment to do better here or be better there and just their goals in general.... I had no goals... I had no direction in life.... I was lost... I'm still trying to figure out who I am how could I try and set goals for myself.
Lorenzo and I were talking in December as the new year approached and we mentioned how 2015 was the worst year of our lives, how we couldn't wait for the new year and say see ya never again to 2015... but then the realization came to me that this was the year I got my angel. How could I ever hate this year? In this year she was created. 2015 was the year I got to feel her kick or stretch or move or hiccup. 2015 was when I got to hold her and kiss her and love her. 2015 was the only time I will ever have with my sweet Amirra.... how could I ever be happy with them being over. How quickly our opinions of a trial can change. how I am so grateful for that.
I can now say I am so grateful for the trial that was Amirras life and her death. I know there are so many that don't want to hear that. Many that are either spending their days with their face browed in prayer or buried in a tissue of tears struggling through their own trial and they don't want to hear this. But its true. I am so Grateful for Amirra. Everything that she was... Everything that she is now... I am so grateful for the lives that she touched.... and especially for the way she touched mine... I really was reborn because of her... I never will be the same person I was because of her and I couldn't be more proud. Because of my daughter I am stronger, I am more compassionate, I cry more, and I relish the moments of laughter more, I love deeper, I hug harder, I pray more intently. Because of Amirra I am closer to the spirit and more dedicated to my own spiritual gifts. Because of Amirra I have been blessed with friendships that are sent from heaven. I have people in my life so cherished and so dear.. they would and have done Anything for me. Because of Amirra I know what true service is. I know joy and sadness and pain. I know how to help mend a broken heart. Because of Amirra I know that a person need not even take a single breath to change one person... and that by changing one person you can change the world. Because I lost Amirra I know that there is no such thing as really loosing someone... I know where she is, who she is, what she is.... I know now more then ever that there is a God in Heaven. That there is a life after death. and that it is GLORIOUS.
After Amirra died we had so much help so much support. both from faces seen and those hidden... we had donations and food and hugs and kind words... we had people just come sit with us while we cried and those that dropped of gifts... our Angels calling themselves "My Heart Monday" givers brought us gifts every Monday for close to 6 months!!! because of Amirra I learned the goodness of humanity and the light of Christ that shines through so many of those around us.
I am truly grateful for all that I learned from my precious daughter.... I though I was supposed to be the teacher in this relationship....
Many weeks ago Lorenzo and I revealed our Love Longer than Life logo and said there were big things to come.... well here we are almost 8 months out and are finally ready to start step one in this process.... yes I have been dragging my feet on this one... a lot.... (insert image of sadness from the movie inside out doing a face fall)
Many of you may have also noticed that there was a blanket that we wrapped Amirra in when she was born with the logo on it... Well when we got that terrible news "you will not be bringing baby home" we were shattered... we couldn't stop thinking about how much we wanted her to know how much she was loved... and would be loved. Love isn't a mortal emotion, nor is it limited by mortality. just because she wouldn't be here with us doesn't mean our love for her would end... and so Love longer than life was born. in conjuction with that so was our "I HELD YOU " blanket... the thoughts of our family that would never get the opportunity to hold her filled us with grief non stop... my nonna and both of Lorenzo's grandparents. Amirras aunts and uncles and cousins and great aunt and great uncles and second cousins and friends... people we loved and who loved us and in turn loved her..... She had SO many people that loved her.... so many people we wanted so much to have the chance to snuggle her and squeeze her and hold her.... And that's where we got the "I HELD YOU" blanket idea from... as you can tell from the photos her blanket was well decorated... so many writing and affirmations of love and adoration. so many people who would never get to hold her in their arms were able to hold her with their love... and when we wrapped that blanket around our precious Amirra she was held by every single one of them. And when we laid her to rest..... she was wrapped in our love forever....
......
......
......
......
And now we are ready to share.... share this very personal piece of our angle baby with anyone in need...
We have now created this line of merchandise and the profit of which goes to supply more families suffering from misscaragie, still born, or infant loss... we will be donating these special "I HELD YOU" blankets with fabric markers to these precious families in hopes that they too will be able to wrap their angels in a love that last forever. It is small and simple yes .. but it meant the world to us... and our prayer is that through our pain and our trial and our suffering others may also be able to relish in the knowledge that Love truly Last Longer than Life
here is a link to our etsy shop Longer than Life... remember we are not professionals yet and are trying our best to honor our daughter and those in need but we are still human... so bear with us while we work out all of the kinks. if you have any questions please e-mail me at lovelongerthanlife@gmail.com
Lorenzo and I taking turns reading Amirra every single words written to her on her blanket by her loved ones
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Christmas is a little different this year
The snow has made it... its covering everything with a glisenting white. The kids are in paradise trudging and puling. making snow angels and snowmen and snowballs. 
Everything looks so fresh and clean and crisp and well I guess beautiful. I've always loved the snow. I've always love the first snowfall. But as I get the kids all bundled up in their snow pants and mittens and scarfs all I keep thinking about is that Amirra is now covered in snow........
I cant get it out of my head how cold it is outside. How I'm such a terrible mommy leaving my newborn out in the freezing cold. How horrible that I am not bundling her up with the rest of them making sure she is warm and covered and comfortable and dry. What a bad mother I am... she could die in this cold.... but she already has.
I actually hate the snow now. She is covered in it. Is she cold? Is she mad? Does she look down from heaven and wonder why she isn't getting bundled up? A mothers job is to care for her children in the most basic to the most extreme ways and I cant do any of that for Amirra. I cant even wrap her in a blanket and hold her close. I cant shield her from the wind or the snow. I cant do any of the things that I think makes a good mother and I am falling apart inside...
I hate the snow.... because it one more reminder how far she is gone.
This Christmas is so different. I made her stocking and with every cut and every stitch I though "this will never be used" "this will never have a single toy in it". How do I feel joy and jolly with so much pain and loss. How to I spread love and laughter and giving when all I want is so far out of reach.
oh how I miss my baby. Christmas is so very different this year.
I bore my testimony this month. I cant tell you how difficult it was. I'm barely a fraction of the person I was the last time I stood and bore my testimony. I still remember exactly what I said then. I bore testament of how I couldn't choose a single one of my children over another and how our father in heaven feels the same way... I felt so strongly about that... ironically or not so very ironically two weeks later we found out about Amirra's condition. How much those words rang true to me yet again as I wanted so badly to save her.
This time the things I shared I would like to write down and share with you as well. I want to have them so that I may look back over them when times get hard. aka every day around 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5, ... you get the picture...
Christmas is very different this year. Amirra would have been 6 months old this month. how I dreamed of this time of year being so different with a new baby. My faith has really been shaken this year. Ive had such a hard time holding onto it that at times I wonder if I even have a speck of it left. What kind of God would take away my precious baby? How could there be such a cruel God?
In the scriptures it says "for unto you a child is born, unto you a son is given"..... I didn't give Amirra away.... I would never choose to give her away.
I know so many times we talk about how Jesus died for us... and that's true he did die for each and every one of us. but before he could die he had to live. he had to be born. He was born for us.
Because of the baby I laid to rest I honor the baby that was laid in a manger.
Because he took his first breath I know Amirra didn't take her last.
Because he lived... because he LIVES she will live again....
Christmas is so very different this year... I miss my daughter so much..... i feel her absents in everything i see in everything i do.... i wish more than anything in this world that i could hold her just one more time... that i could wrap her up and protect her from this cold. i want my baby... thats all i want this Christmas... or every Christmas for the rest of eternity. but since i cant hold her or cuddle her or wrap her up, my prayer is that all of you can turn your thoughts to the babe that was given to save my babe that was not. This Christmas honor my angel baby Amirra by honoring the angel baby that was born unto us all.
Different kind of Christmas- a beautiful song written for just such a time.
I cant get it out of my head how cold it is outside. How I'm such a terrible mommy leaving my newborn out in the freezing cold. How horrible that I am not bundling her up with the rest of them making sure she is warm and covered and comfortable and dry. What a bad mother I am... she could die in this cold.... but she already has.
I actually hate the snow now. She is covered in it. Is she cold? Is she mad? Does she look down from heaven and wonder why she isn't getting bundled up? A mothers job is to care for her children in the most basic to the most extreme ways and I cant do any of that for Amirra. I cant even wrap her in a blanket and hold her close. I cant shield her from the wind or the snow. I cant do any of the things that I think makes a good mother and I am falling apart inside...
I hate the snow.... because it one more reminder how far she is gone.
This Christmas is so different. I made her stocking and with every cut and every stitch I though "this will never be used" "this will never have a single toy in it". How do I feel joy and jolly with so much pain and loss. How to I spread love and laughter and giving when all I want is so far out of reach.
oh how I miss my baby. Christmas is so very different this year.
I bore my testimony this month. I cant tell you how difficult it was. I'm barely a fraction of the person I was the last time I stood and bore my testimony. I still remember exactly what I said then. I bore testament of how I couldn't choose a single one of my children over another and how our father in heaven feels the same way... I felt so strongly about that... ironically or not so very ironically two weeks later we found out about Amirra's condition. How much those words rang true to me yet again as I wanted so badly to save her.
This time the things I shared I would like to write down and share with you as well. I want to have them so that I may look back over them when times get hard. aka every day around 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5, ... you get the picture...
Christmas is very different this year. Amirra would have been 6 months old this month. how I dreamed of this time of year being so different with a new baby. My faith has really been shaken this year. Ive had such a hard time holding onto it that at times I wonder if I even have a speck of it left. What kind of God would take away my precious baby? How could there be such a cruel God?
In the scriptures it says "for unto you a child is born, unto you a son is given"..... I didn't give Amirra away.... I would never choose to give her away.
I know so many times we talk about how Jesus died for us... and that's true he did die for each and every one of us. but before he could die he had to live. he had to be born. He was born for us.
Because of the baby I laid to rest I honor the baby that was laid in a manger.
Because he took his first breath I know Amirra didn't take her last.
Because he lived... because he LIVES she will live again....
Christmas is so very different this year... I miss my daughter so much..... i feel her absents in everything i see in everything i do.... i wish more than anything in this world that i could hold her just one more time... that i could wrap her up and protect her from this cold. i want my baby... thats all i want this Christmas... or every Christmas for the rest of eternity. but since i cant hold her or cuddle her or wrap her up, my prayer is that all of you can turn your thoughts to the babe that was given to save my babe that was not. This Christmas honor my angel baby Amirra by honoring the angel baby that was born unto us all.
Different kind of Christmas- a beautiful song written for just such a time.
Merry Christmas.
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