Yesterday and today have been emotional ones for me... yesterday marked two years from our first ultrasound when they couldn't really tell us anything except that things didn't look good and we had to go to a specialist... Today marks two years from the heart breaking moment when they looked me in the eye and said that my baby was going to die. I didn't believe them. I didn't want to believe them. I had had 3 healthy babies and this one was going to live. This was the kind of thing that happened to OTHER people. You know stuff you read about from a friend of a friend on Facebook.(lol)
Two years ago we started on this heartbreaking path. There is no way in heaven or hell we would have chosen this path for ourselves. Yes, I am in a place where I can look back and see the blessings through the trial and the growth through the pain. but sometimes you just don't want to be a better person.
So now two years later it still hurts. I still find myself overwhelmed with sorrow and break down and cry while I'm tying someone's shoes, or sorting laundry, or driving to a practice, all because I wish I could be doing all of this for one more little riddle. I just want her here. And that still hurts. I don't think it will ever not hurt. and maybe its not supposed to. In all honesty I think something would be wrong if it didn't still hurt. But the hurt sucks and the longing never ends.
I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. I'm glad I was completely unaware of the train wreck fallowed by an atomic bomb and then poured over with acid that my heart would experience in the coming months. the coming years. I'm glad I didn't know everything that was going to happen because I would have lost all hope and in turn lost all reason to continue. I'm glad I was able to hope till the very end. and I'm so very greatful that the other side of the storm, though drawn out does come... it may sprinkle still from time to time but there are moments where the sun shines through.
Two years ago today my little family started on a 9 week road till the bitter end and the glorious eternal beginning. Our lives were forever changed that day for the worse and for the better. It was the beginning of this new life we live now. The life where we have a missing person at the table and in family pictures. The life where we pray for an angel and ask for protection from a guardian. The life where certain days hurt because of her absence and others are so special with the feeling of her near.
And as all of you know by now this life where we Love Longer than Life. and we always will.
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