The Autopsy

It as exactly 3 months to the day that I received that call..... the one I had been dreading and praying for since my little angel was wheeled away in her little hospital basinet.

I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. It couldn't possibly have been 3 months since I laid her in there and allowed the nurse to take her out of my room one last time. I remember when I was pregnant with her I used to tell Lorenzo "I just don't know how I am going to do it. How am I going to watch as they just take her away" I knew it was coming. I knew from the first time I held her that I was on a time limit at how many snuggles I got. I was really worried that I was going to cause a scene and they would have to come and rip her from my arms and sedate me...... In all honesty now I wish that was what happened. I wish her little spirit hadn't been so strong there and the peace so consuming that I allowed them do take her... I wish I was freaking the freak out and kicking and screaming.... is that weird to wish for. Now looking back I wish I would have let out more of what I had on the inside.... the kicking and screaming and freaking the freak out!

She was there with me though. I felt her little spirit so strong.

Now three months later there is still a vice grip on my heart!

Its truly amazing just how physical the pain is. Its almost all consuming at times. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.

I find myself asking "what am I supposed to tell myself when I am baby hungry?" not only can I not just create or buy or steal another baby.... I don't want that... I'm not hungry for another baby (lol that sounds a little creepy)... I want my baby! I want my little Amirra. my little princess.

Initially they said it would take 4-6 weeks to have the autopsy report back to us. Oh how wrong they were. I thought about calling in and seeing where the status was - complaining that it was taking longer then they said. But in reality I didn't want to know. I did but I didn't. I knew they were going to wait until my little life was starting to find its way back together and then call and drop a bombshell on it and me all over again. And that is exactly what happened.

They were really so nice about telling me, so compassionate, you could tell.

Amirra had Turner Syndrome.... only females get TS and interestingly enough many don't even know they have it until they hit puberty... yes people do live with TS.

However in cases like Amirra where it is a more severe case and develops other compilations the chance of survival is non excitant. 

They gave me a bunch of numbers and statistics but basically there was no way she would have survived... 99% of these cases result in a miscarriage before you even realize you are pregnant.

Honestly I don't feel like going over all the factors and the problems and the chances and the specifics of her case because honestly it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter what or how or why.... what matters is that I had a perfect little gift that I got to hold for all of her lifetime and that I wasn't the reason she didn't get to stay. I guess that's really what it comes down to. I had to know that I didn't cause this. that it wasn't my fault. You couldn't possibly know how agonizing it is laying awake at night wondering if you killed your baby... to cry so hard until you about pass out because what if... what if its your fault... what if you destroyed the one thing you wanted so badly!!

All the other stuff doesn't really matter. Its not like it changes anything anyways. She truly is gone.. and everyday she just becomes even more gone. But I get to all her mine forever. And no matter what the test results say she was and IS PERFECT.

and I love her Longer Than Life