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it feels a lot like Christmas came but Santa did not.
I have had this day on my mind for months now and as it has gotten closer its the first time I have actually dreaded a due date. I wished for this day just not to come at all. I honestly don't even know what to say. There is no way for me to even begin to explain through words what this feels like.... I thought it was going to get easier with time, in a lot of ways it has, but there is a pain that comes with this day and the realization that she would be here with us right now that is more painful then all the other days combined. Everyday this month has been a painful countdown to something that could have been but never will be. A dream I held but it slipped through my fingers. The picture perfect that went up in flames and with it all my purpose and direction in life.
Amirra Michelle Riddle...... she could have been healthy, and happy, and whole.... she could have been here with me.... perfect and tiny and mine.
How painfully ironic that she was born exactly 12 weeks ago today... 12 weeks to the day before she was supposed to.... how painful every day since then has been...
oh my precious Amirra, I have felt every day of your absence. Even when you are near you are too far away. I want so badly to hold you. So badly that my arms hurt. I wonder if you know just how much I wanted you, how much I prayed for you, how much I long for you? Do you have any idea how bad my heart hurts for you?
I wanted to spend the day snuggling you. I wanted to spend the day counting your fingers and toes. I wanted today to be filled with napping and kisses and tickles and crying and cooing and all the amazing things that come along with a brand new baby. Your daddy wanted so badly to spend the day holding you while you slept close to his chest. Your brothers wanted to take turns holding you and your sister more then anyone wanted to be the one to welcome you here to the world.... her life long best friend that mommy made just for her. There is not a single thing we wouldn't have given to spend this day with YOU!
Today was spent very differently.
the day began very rainy and droopy just like how we all felt inside...
daddy took the day off because lets face it we all knew today was going to be a hard day.
I laid in bed for a very long time wondering if I wanted to get up at all.... ever....
But I did get up... I got up for you.... I wanted to spend the day honoring you. I think you were with us all day.
We spent most of the morning just trying not to cry....
we opened presents for the family in honor of your "birth" day...
We ate lunch at the cemetery with you because its so peaceful there ...
We went up the mountain and went for a hike because that's where we feel you the most...
We drew pictures of our favorite things to send up to heaven to you.....
I even wore every single Amirra necklace that I have all at once...
I think our favorite part was watching the balloons take our letters up to you....
And yes I know my hair was crazy all day!! The wind was blowing really hard!
Every min of this day was spent praying for you, missing you, loving and longing for you. Amirra you are so loved.... you are so so so so so loved....
I wish you were here more than anything in this world.
I wish I could kiss your face right this minute.
I wish I could just hold you all day and all night.
Loving you Longer than Life
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