A Decade Later

 A decade...

Does that baffle anyone else? 

(photo credit the one and only Kaitlyn Tanner)

It seems like an entire lifetime has passed in the last ten years. I guess in some ways, it really has. I am in an entirely different life than I was ten years ago. I am an entirely different person than I was ten years ago as well. Life has a very difficult way of continuing. Despite our pleads, our resistance, our utter defiance.... the clock continues, the world revolves and one day you wake up ten years away from the last moment you got to hold your world in your hands. 

Grief changes in a decade too. 

Grief is FICKLE....

Grief chooses when to show up. And how to show up. And how long to stay for. Greif isn't always there when you expect it to be. And sometimes is comes around when you least expect it. 

But grief never stays away forever. At least not on this side of eternity. 

In the last ten years I have learned a lot about grief. 

But I've also learned a lot about resilience,   

and grace.

Healing,

and wallowing.

I feel like I have a bedrock understanding of Hope

and of despair. 

I'd like to say that through it all a decade later I have become a better person, that I've taken this refiners fire and allowed it to polish me into something a little less rough around the edges. 

But there are times I read back over this very blog and am in awe of the person I was while in the depths of all my sorrows. I am inspired by the things I was able to say and do despite the pain I was suffering. What clarity and courage I showed when I was truly falling apart. Maybe I've become a better version of myself in the past ten years or maybe I am just a better person because of what I became ten years ago. Because of the experience. And even more so because of her.  

I'm sure at ten Amirra would love make up and getting her nails done. I'm sure she would be stuck in that age where she still kind of likes little girls things like Barbies but she also wants to start being grown up. I'm sure she would ask for something like an electric scooter or an Iphone. And I'm positive she would never say or do anything bratty or disrespectful. lol. 

More than anything I know that I still wish she was here. I still long for the day when I get to hold her again. I still catch my breath every time I meet a new little about her age girl or see my kids line up in age order and notice the gap or get asked how many children I have. 

Yes after a decade there is a lot of life lived...

and a lot of changes made...

and yet.... 

some things never change ...

No  matter the amount of time..

I'm still missing and LOVING her...

Longer Than Life

The truth about a Rainbow

So as many of you know Amirra is getting promoted to big sister. I don't know about you but I can't think of any better guardian angel than a big sister. I haven't shared a lot this pregnancy but as we are rounding the home stretch I feel like I'm ready to share a little bit. So here are a few truths about my "rainbow" baby.

A rainbow baby refers to the rainbow that comes after a storm. So many who have experienced loss, be it a  miscarriage or still born or infant loss, the baby that come after this experience is called a rainbow. Gods promise of renewed life. Of new beginnings. A bright splendid light that appears after the darkest of storms.

The truth however is that the storm isn't over that easily...

The truth is if you find yourself pregnant by surprise you are immediately set into a panic. You weren't planning on this. You don't even know if you want this. How are you going to deal with another loss, especially on that you didn't sign up for. How could you even begin to wrap your head or heart around another baby when you are still grieving the loss of you last child. How can you allow yourself to love again, it feels like such a betrayal.

The truth is if you are trying to conceive you doubt yourself from the beginning. Are you doing this for the right reason? What will people say? Will they think you are trying to replace your lost baby? Will they be supportive? Why would you want to put yourself through that again? How can you even hope for a good outcome when you know all the ways that your heart could be broken again? And also, it feels like such a betrayal... you should still be grieving you baby not looking forward to another one.

The truth is once that all sinks in and you give yourself a moment to accept that you are pregnant again the anxiety sets in. All the self doubt, all the what ifs, all the fears that you are just going to get hurt again. You anticipate every day that you will have a miscarriage, even if you have never had one before you are mentally and emotionally preparing yourself every single day for the loss that could possibly happen in just an instant. Every night, every morning, its exhausting. You spend your time equally divided between trying not to think about being pregnant so you don't get too attached and then feeling guilty that you aren't giving this baby as much love as you did the other.

Then you are faced with if and when you are going to tell people. You have all those what ifs play in your mind as well. What will they say. "oh how is this one going"(like I know) "oh are you going to loose this one" (like I know) "do you feel like this one will turn out better"(gosh I hope so) "wow you are brave to go for another one" (because I'm clearly defective)  OR there are the positive comments "I'm so excited for you" (how can you be I cant be)  "this baby will make it, I just know it" (please don't get my hopes up)  "you are such a brave woman" (honestly I  just stopped crying like ten min ago I'm not brave).... But eventually you get bigger than you an hide and the truth comes out.

The truth is that even then when you have hit half way the storm is not over..... You get test done and they come back negative and you sigh in relief and then panic for the ultrasound. You go to the ultrasound and you see through some black and white images and are assured that the alien form on the screen says everything is perfectly healthy and you sigh in relief and then you panic for the day that baby is born.

See in your recovery from you previous loss you went to countless support groups and have heard a huge list of other ways someone could lose a child. One lost the baby during delivery when there was a placenta abruption. another lost a baby when the baby was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around its neck. another lost a baby due to unknown causes a week before its due date. Another's baby died from sids. I could go on but you get the idea.... and all of those play in your head over and over and over and over...

The truth is once you start to feel that baby move it becomes real. you really have a life inside you! And you remember that being pregnant doesn't mean being a mommy in the end. Having a strong baby kicking you till your sore doesn't mean its strong enough to live.

The truth is it is an exhausting road, filled with a lot of doubt, and fear.... sometimes shame, and guilt.... at times anger and sadness.... but I must say it is also filled with HOPE....

Good gosh that is really all you can cling onto... Hope... hope that your baby will make it... Hope that others will be supportive.... Hope that you don't go completely loco in the mean time.... Hope that your heart doesn't get destroyed... again....

so here's to hoping the clouds will part, the sun will shine through, and I will get to meet and keep this little rainbow I have inside...

2 Years on this Path

Yesterday and today have been emotional ones for me... yesterday marked two years from our first ultrasound when they couldn't really tell us anything except that things didn't look good and we had to go to a specialist... Today marks two years from the heart breaking moment when they looked me in the eye and said that my baby was going to die. I didn't believe them. I didn't want to believe them. I had had 3 healthy babies and this one was going to live. This was the kind of thing that happened to OTHER people. You know stuff you read about from a friend of a friend on Facebook.(lol)

Two years ago we started on this heartbreaking path. There is no way in heaven or hell we would have chosen this path for ourselves. Yes, I am in a place where I can look back and see the blessings through the trial and the growth through the pain. but sometimes you just don't want to be a better person.

So now two years later it still hurts. I still find myself overwhelmed with sorrow and break down and cry while I'm tying someone's shoes, or sorting laundry, or driving to a practice, all because I wish I could be doing all of this for one more little riddle. I just want her here. And that still hurts. I don't think it will ever not hurt. and maybe its not supposed to. In all honesty I think something would be wrong if it didn't still hurt. But the hurt sucks and the longing never ends.

I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. I'm glad I was completely unaware of the train wreck fallowed by an atomic bomb and then poured over with acid that my heart would experience in the coming months. the coming years. I'm glad I didn't know everything that was going to happen because I would have lost all hope and in turn lost all reason to continue. I'm glad I was able to hope till the very end. and I'm so very greatful that the other side of the storm, though drawn out does come... it may sprinkle still from time to time but there are moments where the sun shines through.

Two years ago today my little family started on a 9 week road till the bitter end and the glorious eternal beginning. Our lives were forever changed that day for the worse and for the better. It was the beginning of this new life we live now. The life where we have a missing person at the table and in family pictures. The life where we pray for an angel and ask for protection from a guardian. The life where certain days hurt because of her absence and others are so special with the feeling of her near.
And as all of you know by now this life where we Love Longer than Life. and we always will.

Missionary Mom

It's been well over a year now. In fact it's leaning closer to two. I wish I could say I'm super well adjusted to life after a loss but honestly it seems like each month I encounter a new trial associated with loosing a child and I have to learn a new way to breath again. Moving.... moving for instance brought a whole new set of pains I hadn't anticipated. Like the separation anxiety I feel at not being able to go to her graveside whenever I wanted because it was literally 4 min away. And then there's the whole meeting new people. The sweet families in our neighborhood that are only trying to get to know me when they ask "how many kids do you have" .... it's hard.... hard trying to balance the joy of her memory and the sadness of her loss.

Because I've been asked so much lately how many children I have I've had to really face how I'm going to answer that question. There's the easiest 3, which is how many I'm raising, or there's the complicated 4 that then gets followed by "what are their ages" .... why do ppl have to be so nice and want to be my friend lol. No in all honesty their kindness has been such a blessing. The real problem is why does this question have to be so complicated. It causes such stress and ptsd for me. I've honestly had panic attacks because either I'm worried I will get asked this question and not know what to say or I get asked the question and know what I should say but I just can't do it. It gets awkward for these poor strangers who are getting way more than they bargained for.

A few months ago with attending my churches young woman's Sunday school class. They had some moms in there that either currently had or had experienced sending a child off to a full time LDS mission. If your not familiar with these the jist of it is that our youth, generally 18 year old boys and 19 year old girls, chose to devote 18 months to 2 years of their life serving our Father in Heaven by spreading the gospel to people in diverse places... They pack few items and are shipped to where the Lord calls them. They put their lives on hold and devote every waking moment to the service of the people around them and the service of teaching all they can about our Lord Jesus Christ.

As I sat there listening to these sweet moms... some of which were right in the thick of missing the heck out of their babies I felt for them... I felt with them... they said things like "I miss him so much but I know he is where the Lord wants him to be" and "I know that she is blessing those she is serving more than anything she could be doing here right now" and "I really look forward to the next time they get to call or write and I look forward to finally getting to hug them again" ........ These sweet moms. How everything they said resonated with me... I too miss my sweet Amirra, I also know she is exactly where our father in heaven wants her to be. I feel strongly that she is serving more on that side then she would have been on this side... I too wait, so very impatiently, for the next time I get to feel her presence near. And on some days I still remember what it feels like to want to die just so I can hold her in my arms once more time.

I gained both strength and pain from this experience... I was so saddened that they got that sweet reunion with their missionaries. Those precious youth served their 18 months and then went home to the moms who's arms were acing to hold them. I was strengthened because I now had a response to that tough question of "how many kids do you have, how old are they, where's the 4th one"?

Now I simply say I have 4 children my 4th is currently serving a  full fulltime mission on the other side of the veil.


Some day's I still wish I could write to the first presidency and demand to know why my missionary hasn't been sent home yet!?! She has served her time now give her back to me! I bet that conversation would make it into someone's conference talk down the road LOL!!  But in the meantime I will draw strength from the knowledge that she is on a sacred mission, one that blesses my life as well as others. I will forever look forward to our sweet reunion when my arms wrap around her and I tell her how very proud I am of her and the work she has done. And then I will never, ever let go.


Loving her despite the time and distance

Longer Than Life

One of the best gift I've ever received. 

June

Watching the news this morning and all I keep hearing over and over again is that today is June 1st, 2016... "Welcome to June"

I'm not sure I can do this... how is it already June... this time last year I was living everyday wondering whether that light at the end of the tunnel was Gods saving grace or a train coming to crush me. And most of all I was wondering when. When would the day be that I had to say goodbye and let go. so I lived every day as a blessing. This year I feel infinitely worse... This year I know that light is a train. going a million miles and hour and weighing in at a zillion tons. I know exactly how hard it hits and just how badly it hurts. and worst of all I know exactly down to the second when it will strike me back down. This time however I am quite sure that it will run over me, back up, and hit me again.

I see now what a gift it was last year to not know. It felt like waiting around for dooms day but this... this is worse.

I hate you June.  I hate that you are warm and you are so inviting. I hate that I cant deny my wish to be out playing in your sunshine. I hate how you smell like spring and fresh flowers and you sound like children's laughter. I hate how this perfect weather keeps a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart. God knew I needed you June to be my warm embrace during this hard time. God knew that if he took Amirra from me in the depths of cold winter where everything was gray and cold and dead that my heart would not be able to cope. I hate you June. But if all my sweet Amirra remembers about her time here is that way you made me feel and the way you make the world happy and new then I am grateful. I hate you June. But thank you for giving me the light of a new day and a reason to get out of bed. Thank you for giving me the warm embrace of an angel on the other side. Thank you for being the bright light in the darkness of despair. Thank you for shinning even brighter for my precious Amirra.

I miss you Amirra
Love you Longer than Life

The hardest year of our lives

I don't know how to feel right now... its been an a kind of crummy day... which seems fitting...

I guess I can be happy in saying that I survived the hardest most challenging, most gut wrenching year of my life... but honestly I'm only.... well lets say I'm only 21... why add insult to injury right now... anyways. I'm young. And there is so much of life left to live.. There is so many more years to top this year in being the worst. So saying "I survived the WORST year of my life" has to be followed with "so far".....

Yesterday was another epic 1 year mark... it was the 1 year mark of what I though was going to be one of the most exciting days of my life... this is the post I had on Instagram yesterday.....

1 year ago today.... We started what was to be one of the most excited days of our lives in a rush... Hurry hurry hurry to get to the dr. In such a rush to see what baby was. Boy or girl? Pink or blue? And of course like everyone says "I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy" 

I wish I wasn't in such a hurry. I wish I had stopped just to love another moment in the before. Because everything after changed. I just want to go back to the before. Before the pain before the fear. 

1year ago today the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't tell us anything. 1year ago today was the start of the hardest 24 hrs of my pregnancy. This is me balling at the unknown. I had to wait all day just to find out that my worst fears were coming true anyways. This sweet girl of mine has been such a support to me. Such an angel. She was sent first for a reason. I love my baby girls and how much they love their momma. They are both so dear to me and are always there for me when I need some extra love.

If you have read my previous post enough you know that I really did know something was coming... Before we got to the dr office I had a feeling though I wouldn't day I had a feeling something was wrong. For the first time I didn't tell anyone when my ultrasound was going to be... no one knew.. even our parents or our friends, some of whom had asked us the day(s) before. we just told everyone it was coming up soon... I don't know why I didn't want anyone to know when it was. It just felt like a good idea.. Now I know that it was tender mercy from heaven. having everyone texting or calling me after the appointment to ask questions I didn't have the answer to would only have been all the more painful than the situation already was.... I cant tell you how hard those hours were... or how slowly they ticked by.... that picture was after I had talked to my doctor and he said things looked really bad... sweet Evelett... such a strength to me.


(the picture of Evelett and I just before leaving for the hospital)
1 year ago today we walked into the longest nightmare.. the most painful heartache... the worst life changing news I could have ever imagined.... 1 year ago to day I found out I was going to burry my baby.... this is an exert from When an Ultrasound goes Devastatingly Wrong that I wrote that night


So what now?

* there is no cure......... what? no cure......
* there is no treatment......
* there is no survival rate..... WHAT????
The extra fluid will put too much strain on the heart and it will eventually stop beating.
Survival outside of the womb is nonexistent
Basically your baby will die and you will not be bringing this baby home from the hospital...Ever!

Dear lord in heaven... how is this your plan for us... how is this real life... how dear father am I supposed to keep on living every day as if nothing has changed... how am I supposed to wake up every single moment and go to bed every single night wondering if my baby is still alive and wondering how much longer it will be in there and wondering if I will ever hear its first cry or if it will be snuffed out before that blessed moment happens... how am I supposed to respond to the sweet old ladies in the grocery store that ask me how far along and what I'm having and how excited I must be... father, how am I supposed to tell my children that baby will not be coming home with us... father give me strength.

I had no idea then just how painful those moments were going to be for me... how painful it would be to call the nurse in to take the baby away. how painful it would be to leave the hospital alone. how painful it would be to be awakened at night by the cries of the neighbors  baby through the adjoining wall... I had so much fear of what the unknown was. But I still had so much hope.... I remember writing that I wanted to stay forever in the before... before she died.. before when I could feel her kick, feel her move, feel her hiccups. Because the after would always be after and the before was but a short precious amount of time... A time where hope was allowed to endure....

Now that I am in the after I can say that my fear of what the pain would be like paled in comparison to the reality of it... That kind of pain never goes away.

In the last year I have cried and screamed and prayed and cursed and laughed and kicked myself for doing so. In the last year I have received blessings, and had had people both fast and pray for me, I have gone to the temple and searched the scriptures. I have left my testimony and tried so desperately to find it again. In the last year I held an angel I felt her move inside me, kick her brothers and sisters, and been the place where her heart took its first and last beat. In the last year I buried my child, I watched them close the casket, I said my goodbyes and I walked away. In the last year I have stood in the blazing sun the poring rain and knelt in the freezing snow at her graveside... I have seen the season change... all four of them.. In this death and hell that has been my life this last year....

There are so many things that I have learned through this last year that I couldn't count them if I tried. Some I am grateful for and others not even a little....

But if anything I have learned most of all that Love never stops.. never for a moment... the love of a mother for her child never ends even if that child was but one sentence in the novel that we call life...

This has been the most horrific year of my life... (So far) and I wouldn't give it up because I love my Amirra Michelle

Easter

ITS EASTER!!!

Can you believe its spring... of course with this Utah weather we get all 4 seasons in one day so who really could tell it was spring. But the days are getting longer and the sun is getting warmer. And with the spring so to comes Easter Sunday.

I must admit, though I am a lover of all holidays, Easter has never been my favorite.... or second favorite... Growing up we did the Easter egg dying and we did the resurrection eggs every year. I knew the true meaning of Easter.... What's with celebrating a bunny that lays eggs anyways! I haven't really pushed the holiday on my kids either.. we do the minimal and I make sure they understand why we are celebrating and what the day is really for. But I don't have the spirit of Easter in my heart.

We always get so hyped up around Christmas... "do you have the true spirit of Christmas" and "the reason for the season" and those sort of things... Christmas is of course such a Christ centered holiday and i love to celebrate his birth. But not until now do I fully grasp the magnitude of Easter.... not until now did I have the spirit of Easter in my heart, in my thoughts, in my actions as I did with Christmas. not until now did  I truly understand that he was born to die.
                                     

                Joy to the World  There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter

We all die. we will all one day take our last breath. So too has every person that has been born into this world. It is a part of our life, our test here on earth. All test end eventually. Sadly some of us are really fast test takers.

1 Corinthians 15:22 says "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive".

I find that often times in life we can know something... and then we can really KNOW something. The depth of our understanding often times is in direct relation to its relevance in our life.

I always knew that I would die. I knew we all would die. I also knew that because of the man I call savior we shall live again. but NOW it means all the difference in my ENTIRE life!

The man that I call Savior lived a humble life starting with his birth in the most humble of places
The man that I call Savior was perfect. he never touched an unclean thing. He was sinless.
The man that I call Savior truly is the son of God
The man that I call Savior went about his mortal life serving others, healing the sick and performing miracles
The man that I call Savior Loved... he loved so much. he cared, and he helped, and he healed, and he comforted.
The man that I call Savior was a friend, a companion, a leader, and a teacher
The man that I call Savior was ridiculed, and despised, and betrayed, and beaten, and killed.
and The man I call Savior "rose again on the third day"
and because he did he can still be all those things.

He rose on the third day!!! like can you wrap your heads around that! He is our LIVING Savior. He is still the son of God. The Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He IS our healer and our helper, our comforter and our friend. He IS our companion and our teacher. He IS all of those things.

He IS our Savior!!

Savior.... just think of that... how fitting... his one and only mission to come here to earth was to SAVE us... save us from sorrow, save us from sin, save us from that awful death and hell...

He came to save me... save me from this sorrow. save me from this emptiness save my broken heart

He came to save Amirra.....
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Not a day goes by that I do not long to have my baby in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how big she would be, what she would be doing. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for her. Pray that she knows how much I miss her... how much I love her.... how much I wanted to save her. but I didn't have to.... He already did.

oh what a life we would live if he wasn't every single thing he said he was. oh what a life we would have if he didn't do everything that he promised us he would do. What then... I cant even begin to humor the thought.

Luke 24
1 Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.

 2 And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.

 3 And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.

 4 And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:

 5 And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?

 6 He is not here, but is risen

Oh how I want to shout Hallelujah from the mountain tops.

Hallelujah... He Is Risen! He Is Risen!

and because he has Risen so to will you... so too will I ...

So too will she..

Because he is Risen we truly have the ability to Love Longer than Life!!

Happy Easter Amirra Michelle

Easter video: His sacred name