Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The day my angel was born

I don't even know where to start with this one....

The beginning I guess....

I guess I'm not ready for this to be real and writing it all out.... then its real... it really happened.

In reality though its an amazing story.

I, through the encouragement of a friend, decided I wanted to have a party for my sweet little baby... one thing led to another and the ideas kept piling on top of each other.. one party turned to 3. a party tuned into a baby shower, the shower turned into more of a gathering to craft in honor of my baby... At the shower we made items to be donated to local hospitals such as cloth diapers and baby beanies... they were tiny because I wanted them to be for the very tiny micro preemies that might not make it just like my little one....

the first one was in Cedar City and since I'm quite afraid to be away from home for very long it was a very fast, rough trip. We left Friday night and came home Saturday night... and it was not a fun ride!! I ended up sitting in the back seat with the boys in the third row so I could put my feet up on the console! I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible but who was i kidding!

Sunday, Fathers day, was a busy day. I woke up and made Lorenzo breakfast and yada yada. I also taught Young Women that day. It was about how the priesthood blesses our lives. It went really well and it was a much needed reminder that the priesthood is in fact the power of God here on earth. Ive been so upset and hung up on my last priesthood blessing and parts of it that I felt have not come to reality like I've wanted. There wasn't a lot that were specific blessing for this lifetime. But one thing in my blessing that was specific was that the amniotic fluid would develop and sustain my baby. Yes baby has been sustained and still kicking away but every time they do a scan there is still no fluid around the baby. Which means that baby doesn't have a working  bladder..... which means that baby wont practice breathing nor have a chance to take a breath. I've been so upset and hung up on this one part that I cant see past to anything else.

Anyways the lesson went really well and I was pleased to have my testimony even slightly enlightened. I was so exhausted though! The trip, the lack of sleep, the stress of the lesson.... As soon as I got home and sat down I turned to Lorenzo and said "I have no idea how I'm not in labor" ... 5 min later I have my first contraction.

Since it was Fathers day Lorenzo's brother and sister in law came over for dinner. my contractions had been consistently every 3.5 min for 5 hrs. They weren't strong but they weren't going away... not by Tylenol, or a nap, or a warm bath, or just laying as much as possible! They were like clockwork.

I was in denial that this was anything more then maybe Braxton hicks but now at 5 hrs with no let up I asked Lorenzo and his brother to give me a blessing. In this blessing I was "not promised that this would stop or that the labor would not progress" but I was blessed that " I would find peace and comfort and know that the lord is not only mindful of my situation but is also in control and that whatever happens is by his doing and by his care". It had been so long since I had actually FELT the spirit! I felt the warmth of the saviors love all around me. I felt the power and comfort of God wash over me. It had been so long and it was so wonderful to finally feel anything more then just numb.

Once the blessing was ended I stood and hugged my husband, hugged my brother, took 2 steps and my water broke!!!!!!!! My water broke!! Every time we did a ultrasound there was no amniotic fluid and yet here I was standing there with it running down my legs! I have never had my water break before. My dr would always do it sometime after I was already in the hospital so I was double shocked. I just turned to Lorenzo in a daze and said "I think my water just broke". His brother and sister were on their way out the door anyways so as soon as they left and another round of water just gushed out of me (SORRY TMI) I fell apart! I started balling and screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" "Lorenzo NO"

This cant be happening I'm not ready for this! this cant be what the lord meant by this blessing!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!!!!
Please God! Please Father Don't do this ! My drs not in town! I have 2 more baby showers to go to this weeks! NO! Not now! this is my fault! this is all my fault! Why had I wanted to go to Cedar so bad... I pushed myself too much! I should have stayed home... I wanted to celebrate baby's life so much that I had taken the life right away.

of course the kids at this point are in a panic because mommy is hysterical. Lorenzo just basically picked me up took me to the bathroom and got me to breath again! We stood forehead to forehead, me balling, him crying and telling me "its not your fault baby' "I'm here babe and we are going to do this together" "the whole thing together me and you" "we are going to get through this"!

How do I breath! I knew this was coming! I felt it, I could have guessed it would be today... in fact I basically did. But why? HOW... the how I was so scared of. Whats about to happen.... my baby is going to die today!! my baby is going to die today! Please God No!!

The next few hours was quite a blur. We packed up and made our way to the hospital. ps have I mentioned before that I hate soccer? Well I do even more now since there was a real salt lake game just getting out that had cops blocking and directing traffic on every road leading us to the hospital. So a 10 min ride was almost 30! Awesome right! We got to Alta view and got to the main desk where they asked "what brings you in tonight?" .... seriously people! "well I'm having contractions, 7 hrs now at about 3 min apart and my water just broke"
"ok when are you due"
"sept"
"SEPTEMBER!"
they got me right back and I had to explain that I knew this was coming... the nurse asked me if because of the complications what the specialist were telling me and asked "did they say if the baby was compatible with life"
..........
..........
..........
I knew the answer.......... but in that moment I couldn't say it . How could I say this out loud? How could I betray the angel that was inside me and basically admit that I knew there was no hope for a future with it? What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say?

I said "no.......

I actually said it... I said no! How am I still breathing! My heart is slowly being ripped out of my chest!! How am I admitting that no, my baby wont be living for very much longer and not only can I not stop it but my body is basically making it happen... My body is forcing my little baby from its only place of survival! How will I ever live again?

After a bunch of questions and needles and monitors questions upon questions, the lead nurse actually had to ask me 3 times "now what did you say baby had again"!!! she didn't even know what it was! I was starting to freak out. If my dr wasn't there and these people had no clue what was about to happen how well are we going to be care of! But at least the had a heartbeat for baby! At least baby was still alive.... maybe there was still hope for even a few min with it!

they brought in the on call dr who was also unfamiliar with the condition and wanted to do some ultrasounds to see just how big baby was and if I was going to be able do deliver baby on my own. They brought in the ultrasound tech about 20 min later and saw that of course the baby had not miraculously improved.. The fear in their eyes was so evident.. They were obviously not prepared for what they were going to see on the scan... They obviously had no idea what they were dealing with here.... but my horror came because of a different reason... there was no longer a heartbeat... the screen was black and cold and empty... just like the aching whole that once held my heart.... baby was gone. sometime in the last 20 min my baby had just gone. There was no magical chime of a trinket or light warm breeze that caressed my skin as baby's spirit drifted away.... I had no clue... baby had just..... finished its plan.... and made a very silent exit. Like a friend who leaves a party before you had an opportunity to thank them for coming in the first place...

That's when Lorenzo fell apart... he said he "just wanted a chance to hold the baby one time while it was alive... even for a min.. just a min in his arms while it was still breathing is all he had been praying for"... and all I could do was stoke his head as my mountain of a man fell to pieces at my bedside...

I felt so guilty! This must be my fault. I felt every time this little baby moves or stretched or got the hiccups.... I felt everything. I got to hold this baby every second of its life and I wanted so badly to be able to give Lorenzo just a moment. Just a single memory to hold onto. But instead I had selfishly held them all to myself. And now it was too late. It was over.... the path come to a close and there was nothing anyone could do to create a new path.

Now of course the focus shifted. I was no longer mother and baby patients.... just mother... and because of that they decided it be best to ship me to IMC where there were more advanced equipment and more prepared drs. It was the most miserable ride of my life, strapped down to a very uncomfortable bed, in the back of a ambulance, hitting every bump in the road... I don't know what I was thinking.. I was so silly to think that now that the baby's journey was over mine would be as well.. but in reality my hard journey had in some ways just begun...

once I was at IMC and got a new dr they did another more in depth ultrasound and realized that though I was only 28 weeks along baby was much to big for me to deliver on my own.... they were worried they would put me through hours of intense labor just to have to rush me back and do an emergency c section because baby got stuck... I was horrified of that. so a C-section it was... and I was terrified... I had to wait a few hours because I had eaten a few hour before so there I waited... still in labor... still in intense pain.. and still in paralyzing fear of what the next few hours held... soon they came in to give Lorenzo his scrubs and wheel me back.



By this time I had dilated to a 4 and was in a lot of pain. But they numbed me up and started the most scary procedure of my life... Lorenzo and I were both shaking like leaves. We had no idea what to expect. we just knew things weren't great..... They finished, stitched me up, wheeled me back to my room and brought in a bundle of blankets and placed an angel in my arms....


...
....
......
words cannot express this moment. finally being able to hold my baby in my arms. feel the weight of this sweet angel against me and not inside me.. my heart was empty and full all at the same time... and then I got to hand this little bundle off to daddy... that was the second greatest moment . being able to see my husband hold our child in his arms.



our angel
our little girl!!
just like I had suspected...
a little girl
a little princess
and so thats what we named her

Amirra Michelle Riddle
Amirra means princess in Hebrew.. how fitting
this little thing would forever be our little princess.

the next 29 hours were spent cuddling and rocking and singing and snuggling. The older children came in and held her and told her they loved her and that they would see her again someday. it was the most peaceful 29 hours ever. in the presence of something so holy. so magnificent. so perfect. our little Amirra changed our lives forever in those few short hours.





And when it was time to say goodbye... or see you later... part of me rejoiced at the blessing of what was and the rest of my body shattered and fell into tiny shards of the person I used to be...








its amazing how your life can start and fall apart all in the same moment. How will I ever live up to the miracle that was this perfect spirit that chose me as her mommy. how will I ever recover from the brokenness that is so physically painful. how does one live with a broken heart.. I honestly feel her absence as if I had lost a part of my very soul. I miss her more then words could ever express. I love her longer then life...

No comments:

Post a Comment