preparing to say goodbye

Yet another dr.s apt. today. Its been 4 weeks since I was in last! Feels like forever since everything just fell apart. I don't know anymore who I'm writing this for. Me? My other children? Someone who may stumble across it? My life has been such a rollercoaster for the past few months I don't know how I even remember my own name! I feel so lost and so found at the same time. I have no idea what is going on or what is about to happen and yet I am so completely aware of both. Its really a crazy feeling.

In 4 weeks I have gained 20 lbs! That really quite an accomplishment! Its really all belly Im 27 weeks and measuring 36. my stomach is stretching so fast its still painful, and itchy because now my stretch marks have stretch marks... I actually got to witness a stretchmark being born the other day. My skin got really itchy and as I was scratching you could just see the line kind of redden and form before your very eyes. CREEPY!!! Im so swollen all over I hardly recognize my own feet, or face, or hands!

Going in today Lorenzo and I were pretty sure it was going to be the end. With all the swelling and weight gain we though that our dr would say times up and decide to pull the plug. However my blood pressure and urine is still perfect and the weight gain is obviously just water retention. So he said we are still ok to just wait if we want..... What am I supposed to say? "No thanks, im so miserable that I just want to be done" "lets just kill this baby and have it be done with" ..............................
We did an ultrasound of course to see what was going on with the baby and I have to say that I didn't look at first.... I couldn't look.... I wanted to close my eyes and pretend that everything was magically fixed. 4 weeks a miracle could have happened in 4 weeks right.... it developed in 4 weeks it could have fixed itself in 4 weeks... What if I didn't look and it was the last time I got to see my baby actually alive! So eventually.. I looked... and I was shattered... Just like every time... no miracle for my baby. Nothing better just the same slow progression in the wrong direction. Heartbeat still strong still kicking regularly and gets hiccups everyday but the fluid is still getting bigger and bigger....

I feel like such a fool. Where is the faith I had? Where is the peace I felt? Why did I ever hold on to any kind of hope? It was a fools hope. Why did I put so much faith on that priesthood blessing I got that brought me so much comfort? What is the point of a priesthood blessing anyways? Who among you want to tell me the reason I didn't receive the blessings given in it was because I didn't have enough faith? Who among you dare tell me that "Gods will be done" was how things have to be? If it be Gods will, one way or another, what is the point? God has made his decision from the beginning! Whether I was to receive a blessing or not, he has already written this child's path so what was the point? What about the people of this world that don't have the priesthood? God has decided weather their children will live or die even without a blessing. So what is the point. I hate when people say that... "if ye have enough faith"... I hate when God himself has said that!!! It leaves all of us who have put all the faith we can muster into him to doubt ourselves to the very core..... "did I not have faith"? "could I have saved my baby if I had better faith"? did I pray enough? plead enough? read my scriptures enough? maybe I yelled at my kids too much? maybe I should have gone to the temple once a week? What lord? What have I lacked in faith? You know my heart, so what darkness do you see there that has prevented this priesthood blessing from changing this outcome? why should I EVER get a blessing again... whats going to happen is going to happen! God has made proof of that through this!

You know that game they play on the price is right... I think its called "that's too much"... your about to win a car but the way the game is played they have prices up on the bored listed from least to greatest and your supposed to keep going until you have hit the money value you believe is just below the real price of the car... you don't go far enough, you lose the car. you go over the price and you loose the car. You have to guess the price of the car just under retail value! Its Become a sick, twisted reality game show of my life... But its not a car.... its a real life. my babies life. See now Lorenzo and I get to play this game where we have to guess when our babies heart will stop beating... We want to keep this baby in my belly as long as possible to have time to feel it wiggle and move waking me up in the morning, and kick against daddy's prodding hand, and let its brothers and sister feel its silly rhythmic hiccups. We want it to be big enough that it will look more like a baby, something to snuggle and kiss and cuddle for the few precious moments. But then there is the flip side. the longer we wait the more there is a chance that we will never get to hold our baby alive... that possibility is so real anyways... Just like the sick game show we get to guess when "That's too much" when it has been too much time and our baby's heart couldn't take it anymore. But what mother can let go? What mother would intentionally pull out a calendar, point to a date and say "that one"... that's the day I choose to kill my baby by pushing it out of the only thing that will keep it alive, my body. We attempted to have this conversation with the dr and my heart was shattering. If there is a gracious God in heaven at all he will not make me make this decision. He will make my body go into labor before my baby dies.

I hate my life.

I hate my reality

as soon as we got home from the dr Korlen runs in and asks "is the baby still sick" with such hope and excitement in his eyes. I fell apart all over again.

Now is when things get real.... I guess I should be grateful I have time to pull things together and have a funeral the way we want it instead of throwing it together in a few days after the sudden shock of something we had not been planning for... at least I don't have  a single baby thing out and ready for a baby that wont be coming home... I imagine that would be much harder. Coming home to an empty nursery all sparkly and new. Washed new clothes and carefully folded blankets. No need to take my favorite outfit to the hospital as the official "going home" outfit. Now we are preparing to say goodbye..... well as Lorenzo keeps reminding me, say "see you later" not goodbye... but to a mothers heart there is no comfort in the tomorrow. There is only the pain of the years to come with empty arms and a broken heart.