A Decade Later

 A decade...

Does that baffle anyone else? 

(photo credit the one and only Kaitlyn Tanner)

It seems like an entire lifetime has passed in the last ten years. I guess in some ways, it really has. I am in an entirely different life than I was ten years ago. I am an entirely different person than I was ten years ago as well. Life has a very difficult way of continuing. Despite our pleads, our resistance, our utter defiance.... the clock continues, the world revolves and one day you wake up ten years away from the last moment you got to hold your world in your hands. 

Grief changes in a decade too. 

Grief is FICKLE....

Grief chooses when to show up. And how to show up. And how long to stay for. Greif isn't always there when you expect it to be. And sometimes is comes around when you least expect it. 

But grief never stays away forever. At least not on this side of eternity. 

In the last ten years I have learned a lot about grief. 

But I've also learned a lot about resilience,   

and grace.

Healing,

and wallowing.

I feel like I have a bedrock understanding of Hope

and of despair. 

I'd like to say that through it all a decade later I have become a better person, that I've taken this refiners fire and allowed it to polish me into something a little less rough around the edges. 

But there are times I read back over this very blog and am in awe of the person I was while in the depths of all my sorrows. I am inspired by the things I was able to say and do despite the pain I was suffering. What clarity and courage I showed when I was truly falling apart. Maybe I've become a better version of myself in the past ten years or maybe I am just a better person because of what I became ten years ago. Because of the experience. And even more so because of her.  

I'm sure at ten Amirra would love make up and getting her nails done. I'm sure she would be stuck in that age where she still kind of likes little girls things like Barbies but she also wants to start being grown up. I'm sure she would ask for something like an electric scooter or an Iphone. And I'm positive she would never say or do anything bratty or disrespectful. lol. 

More than anything I know that I still wish she was here. I still long for the day when I get to hold her again. I still catch my breath every time I meet a new little about her age girl or see my kids line up in age order and notice the gap or get asked how many children I have. 

Yes after a decade there is a lot of life lived...

and a lot of changes made...

and yet.... 

some things never change ...

No  matter the amount of time..

I'm still missing and LOVING her...

Longer Than Life