Easter

ITS EASTER!!!

Can you believe its spring... of course with this Utah weather we get all 4 seasons in one day so who really could tell it was spring. But the days are getting longer and the sun is getting warmer. And with the spring so to comes Easter Sunday.

I must admit, though I am a lover of all holidays, Easter has never been my favorite.... or second favorite... Growing up we did the Easter egg dying and we did the resurrection eggs every year. I knew the true meaning of Easter.... What's with celebrating a bunny that lays eggs anyways! I haven't really pushed the holiday on my kids either.. we do the minimal and I make sure they understand why we are celebrating and what the day is really for. But I don't have the spirit of Easter in my heart.

We always get so hyped up around Christmas... "do you have the true spirit of Christmas" and "the reason for the season" and those sort of things... Christmas is of course such a Christ centered holiday and i love to celebrate his birth. But not until now do I fully grasp the magnitude of Easter.... not until now did I have the spirit of Easter in my heart, in my thoughts, in my actions as I did with Christmas. not until now did  I truly understand that he was born to die.
                                     

                Joy to the World  There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter

We all die. we will all one day take our last breath. So too has every person that has been born into this world. It is a part of our life, our test here on earth. All test end eventually. Sadly some of us are really fast test takers.

1 Corinthians 15:22 says "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive".

I find that often times in life we can know something... and then we can really KNOW something. The depth of our understanding often times is in direct relation to its relevance in our life.

I always knew that I would die. I knew we all would die. I also knew that because of the man I call savior we shall live again. but NOW it means all the difference in my ENTIRE life!

The man that I call Savior lived a humble life starting with his birth in the most humble of places
The man that I call Savior was perfect. he never touched an unclean thing. He was sinless.
The man that I call Savior truly is the son of God
The man that I call Savior went about his mortal life serving others, healing the sick and performing miracles
The man that I call Savior Loved... he loved so much. he cared, and he helped, and he healed, and he comforted.
The man that I call Savior was a friend, a companion, a leader, and a teacher
The man that I call Savior was ridiculed, and despised, and betrayed, and beaten, and killed.
and The man I call Savior "rose again on the third day"
and because he did he can still be all those things.

He rose on the third day!!! like can you wrap your heads around that! He is our LIVING Savior. He is still the son of God. The Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He IS our healer and our helper, our comforter and our friend. He IS our companion and our teacher. He IS all of those things.

He IS our Savior!!

Savior.... just think of that... how fitting... his one and only mission to come here to earth was to SAVE us... save us from sorrow, save us from sin, save us from that awful death and hell...

He came to save me... save me from this sorrow. save me from this emptiness save my broken heart

He came to save Amirra.....
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Not a day goes by that I do not long to have my baby in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how big she would be, what she would be doing. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for her. Pray that she knows how much I miss her... how much I love her.... how much I wanted to save her. but I didn't have to.... He already did.

oh what a life we would live if he wasn't every single thing he said he was. oh what a life we would have if he didn't do everything that he promised us he would do. What then... I cant even begin to humor the thought.

Luke 24
1 Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.

 2 And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.

 3 And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.

 4 And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:

 5 And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?

 6 He is not here, but is risen

Oh how I want to shout Hallelujah from the mountain tops.

Hallelujah... He Is Risen! He Is Risen!

and because he has Risen so to will you... so too will I ...

So too will she..

Because he is Risen we truly have the ability to Love Longer than Life!!

Happy Easter Amirra Michelle

Easter video: His sacred name

I Held You

"You wont be bringing baby home from the hospital"
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I cant tell you for how long those words haunted me. Kept me up at night. played over and over again in my head. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing playing on repeat as I cried myself to sleep.

She's not coming home. She's not coming home. She's never coming home.

looking back now I don't know how I didn't burst. And each day since I still wonder the same thing... How am I still put together when my insides are all in a scramble. My heart is shattered. Its one of those things you cant even explain and only those who have experienced it truly understand the depths to the words Heart Broken.

Its painful. And it last.... somedays you feel as though you will never again see the sun. and others you lay down at night with a smile and then want to kill yourself for even thinking you deserve to be happy again. How can you ever feel happy again when she is not here..... How dare you feel happy without her.

I have to tell you that here in the aftermath of the storm there is so much dust still settling. So much debris still falling from the sky. Some of which falls on your head and knocks you the F out!! and then when you wake up you wish you wouldn't have. Life after loss is fuzzy. Its scary and lonely and bleak. One of the hardest parts is that you are no longer the person you were. Imagine waking up one day and looking in the mirror to find a stranger staring back at you. That's a lot like how it feels. For some reason you literally loose WHO you are.... you reevaluate everything about your life and sometimes you come up with more questions than answers. What do I like? Who do I love? What do I want to be? What makes me happy? How do I spend my time? What's important to me?

WHO AM I


Life after loss is a lot of who am I's

Who am I now? do I still laugh? do I still get to have fun? Am I funny or fun or loud or spontaneous or sarcastic? Life after loss is not only learning how to live without your heart beating but also learning who you are as if you were reborn. My life ended the moment her heart stopped beating and this IS my new life. I AM a new person. And though I would never want to go through what I went through again...... I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world.

January was a hard one for me.... every one with their new years resolutions and commitment to do better here or be better there and just their goals in general.... I had no goals... I had no direction in life.... I was lost... I'm still trying to figure out who I am how could I try and set goals for myself.

Lorenzo and I were talking in December as the new year approached and we mentioned how 2015 was the worst year of our lives, how we couldn't wait for the new year and say see ya never again to 2015... but then the realization came to me that this was the year I got my angel. How could I ever hate this year? In this year she was created. 2015 was the year I got to feel her kick or stretch or move or hiccup. 2015 was when I got to hold her and kiss her and love her. 2015 was the only time I will ever have with my sweet Amirra.... how could I ever be happy with them being over. How quickly our opinions of a trial can change. how I am so grateful for that.

I can now say I am so grateful for the trial that was Amirras life and her death.  I know there are so many that don't want to hear that. Many that are either spending their days with their face browed in prayer or buried in a tissue of tears struggling through their own trial and they don't want to hear this. But its true. I am so Grateful for Amirra. Everything that she was... Everything that she is now... I am so grateful for the lives that she touched.... and especially for the way she touched mine... I really was reborn because of her... I never will be the same person I was because of her and I couldn't be more proud. Because of my daughter I am stronger, I am more compassionate, I cry more, and I relish the moments of laughter more, I love deeper, I hug harder, I pray more intently. Because of Amirra I am closer to the spirit and more dedicated to my own spiritual gifts. Because of Amirra I have been blessed with friendships that are sent from heaven. I have people in my life so cherished and so dear.. they would and have done Anything for me. Because of Amirra I know what true service is. I know joy and sadness and pain. I know how to help mend a broken heart. Because of Amirra I know that a person need not even take a single breath to change one person... and that by changing one person you can change the world. Because I lost Amirra I know that there is no such thing as really loosing someone... I know where she is, who she is, what she is.... I know now more then ever that there is a God in Heaven. That there is a life after death. and that it is GLORIOUS.

After Amirra died we had so much help so much support. both from faces seen and those hidden... we had donations and food and hugs and kind words... we had people just come sit with us while we cried and those that dropped of gifts... our Angels calling themselves "My Heart Monday" givers brought us gifts every Monday for close to 6 months!!! because of Amirra I learned the goodness of humanity and the light of Christ that shines through so many of those around us.

I am truly grateful for all that I learned from my precious daughter.... I though I was supposed to be the teacher in this relationship....

Many weeks ago Lorenzo and I revealed our Love Longer than Life logo and said there were big things to come.... well here we are almost 8 months out and are finally ready to start step one in this process.... yes I have been dragging my feet on this one... a lot.... (insert image of sadness from the movie inside out doing a face fall)

Many of you may have also noticed that there was a blanket that we wrapped Amirra in when she was born with the logo on it... Well when we got that terrible news "you will not be bringing baby home" we were shattered... we couldn't stop thinking about how much we wanted her to know how much she was loved... and would be loved. Love isn't a mortal emotion, nor is it limited by mortality. just because she wouldn't be here with us doesn't mean our love for her would end... and so Love longer than life was born. in conjuction with that so was our "I HELD YOU " blanket... the thoughts of our family that would never get the opportunity to hold her filled us with grief non stop... my nonna and both of Lorenzo's grandparents. Amirras aunts and uncles and cousins and great aunt and great uncles and second cousins and friends... people we loved and who loved us and in turn loved her..... She had SO many people that loved her.... so many people we wanted so much to have the chance to snuggle her and squeeze her and hold her.... And that's where we got the "I HELD YOU" blanket idea from... as you can tell from the photos her blanket was well decorated... so many writing and affirmations of love and adoration. so many people who would never get to hold her in their arms were able to hold her with their love... and when we wrapped that blanket around our precious Amirra she was held by every single one of them. And when we laid her to rest..... she was wrapped in our love forever....

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And now we are ready to share.... share this very personal piece of our angle baby with anyone in need...

We have now created this line of merchandise and the profit of which goes to supply more families suffering from misscaragie, still born, or infant loss... we will be donating these special "I HELD YOU" blankets with fabric markers to these precious families in hopes that they too will be able to wrap their angels in a love that last forever. It is small and simple yes .. but it meant the world to us... and our prayer is that through our pain and our trial and our suffering others may also be able to relish in the knowledge that Love truly Last Longer than Life

here is a link to our etsy shop Longer than Life... remember we are not professionals yet and are trying our best to honor our daughter and those in need but we are still human... so bear with us while we work out all of the kinks. if you have any questions please e-mail me at lovelongerthanlife@gmail.com

Lorenzo and I taking turns reading Amirra every single words written to her on her blanket by her loved ones

Christmas is a little different this year

The snow has made it... its covering everything with a glisenting white. The kids are in paradise trudging and puling. making snow angels and snowmen and snowballs.

Everything looks so fresh and clean and crisp and well I guess beautiful. I've always loved the snow. I've always love the first snowfall. But as I get the kids all bundled up in their snow pants and mittens and scarfs all I keep thinking about is that Amirra is now covered in snow........

I cant get it out of my head how cold it is outside. How I'm such a terrible mommy leaving my newborn out in the freezing cold. How horrible that I am not bundling her up with the rest of them making sure she is warm and covered and comfortable and dry. What a bad mother I am... she could die in this cold.... but she already has.

I actually hate the snow now. She is covered in it. Is she cold? Is she mad? Does she look down from heaven and wonder why she isn't getting bundled up? A mothers job is to care for her children in the most basic to the most extreme ways and I cant do any of that for Amirra. I cant even wrap her in a blanket and hold her close. I cant shield her from the wind or the snow. I cant do any of the things that I think makes a good mother and I am falling apart inside...

I hate the snow.... because it one more reminder how far she is gone.

This Christmas is so different. I made her stocking and with every cut and every stitch I though "this will never be used" "this will never have a single toy in it". How do I feel joy and jolly with so much pain and loss. How to I spread love and laughter and giving when all I want is so far out of reach.

oh how I miss my baby. Christmas is so very different this year.

I bore my testimony this month. I cant tell you how difficult it was. I'm barely a fraction of the person I was the last time I stood and bore my testimony. I still remember exactly what I said then. I bore testament of how I couldn't choose a single one of my children over another and how our father in heaven feels the same way... I felt so strongly about that... ironically or not so very ironically two weeks later we found out about Amirra's condition. How much those words rang true to me yet again as I wanted so badly to save her.

This time the things I shared I would like to write down and share with you as well. I want to have them so that I may look back over them when times get hard. aka every day around 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5, ... you get the picture...

Christmas is very different this year. Amirra would have been 6 months old this month. how I dreamed of this time of year being so different with a new baby. My faith has really been shaken this year. Ive had such a hard time holding onto it that at times I wonder if I even have a speck of it left. What kind of God would take away my precious baby? How could there be such a cruel God?

In the scriptures it says "for unto you a child is born, unto you a son is given"..... I didn't give Amirra away.... I would never choose to give her away.

I know so many times we talk about how Jesus died for us... and that's true he did die for each and every one of us. but before he could die he had to live. he had to be born. He was born for us.

Because of the baby I laid to rest I honor the baby that was laid in a manger.
Because he took his first breath I know Amirra didn't take her last.
Because he lived... because he LIVES she will live again....

Christmas is so very different this year... I miss my daughter so much..... i feel her absents in everything i see in everything i do.... i wish more than anything in this world that i could hold her just one more time... that i could wrap her up and protect her from this cold. i want my baby... thats all i want this Christmas... or every Christmas for the rest of eternity. but since i cant hold her or cuddle her or wrap her up, my prayer is that all of you can turn your thoughts to the babe that was given to save my babe that was not. This Christmas honor my angel baby Amirra by honoring the angel baby that was born unto us all. 

Different kind of Christmas- a beautiful song written for just such a time. 

Merry Christmas. 

What do I have to be Thankful for?

This whole day is dedicated to giving thanks. From morn until about 6pm when black Friday sales start anyways... everyone thinking, listing, expressing all the things they are thankful for. It kinda makes me sick....

For the sake of all fairness I want to be real with you! In many of my post I write about life and the pain and all that sucks but I always turn back to God. and honestly this may be that way as well but I wanted to be real with you and say that I also hate life. I curse God. he took my daughter away and there are days that I go from praising him to cursing him all in a matter of minuets. I wanted to be real and say my faith has wavered on numerous occasions. What is the point of this life...... every one of us will experience loss at some point. What if there is no here after? What if we just die? What the hell? Do you realize how many people there have been on this earth? and they have all died! every single one of them has died! We are all living just to die! Everything I love will at one point be taken away form me! I wanted to be real and tell you that I get low sometimes. I get so low and I don't see the light. I loose all hope of ever being happy or whole or anything but a dark vacant shell of the person I used to be.

So what do I have to be grateful for?

Besides people telling me that "she died for a reason" the only other thing that I absolutely hate is when people say "you have three other healthy babies you should just be happy about that" it makes me want to ask them "your right, tell me which of your children you would like to give up because the others are good enough to make you happy"

What do I have to be grateful for this year? Thanksgiving for what?

I was supposed to have a sweet little baby in my arms right this very moment. But what now? I should just be thankful for everything else I have? I guess this post is a middle finger to all those who think that should be the case.

Its so complicated to be both grateful and sorrowful! Its so hard to find that balance! Its so hard when your life is in utter shambles yet there are moments of joy. Its so confusing the feelings you get when you don't know if you should be happy or sad, screaming or laughing. How can you be so grateful and yet so desperately miserable at the same time....

How do you live a life of both black and white.....

I guess if anyone could do it I have the most credentials right.

I am so incredible sad. I am so sad! I'm so sad I cant hardly breath! I miss Amirra! I want her here more then I want anything! I want her to be mine, in my arms, sleeping as if there wasn't a care in the world. I wish I could have held all my babies on this day. and Thanked God for the blessing of what is. But that's not what I have to be grateful for this year..... or any year to come...

Recently I found this

Michelle means "gift from God".................. It made me cry when I read that.

When we named Amirra it wasn't easy. How do you give an angel a name? What could ever sum up the feelings we feel for her. All that she was to us, is to us. All the dreams we had for her. Most important what she taught us.

As I've told you before Amirra is Hebrew for Princess. so her name means Princess Gift from God.
we did research Amirra but not Michelle. We named her Michelle because that is the name of the person we would want for her to most emulate here on earth and in her life to come. Our friend Michelle is everything we would want our Amirra to be and everything I know her to be. They are both kind and selfless and giving and an example of hope and service and Christ like love. Michelle is a gift to us. And Amirra Michelle was exactly that. A gift from God. A daughter of God.

This thanksgiving I am both morning the lack of her presence and praising the gift that she is in my life. I guess that is what I do and don't have to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving..

*The 6 of us on Thanksgiving. 

A labor of love

She would have been here..... She would have been a pumpkin, or a bunny, or tinkerbell, or Anna while her sister was Elsa. Honestly it doesn't matter what she would have been she would have been adorable. And she most likely would sleep through all 2 million pictures I took of her in her costume. 

They say that the first holidays are the hardest. I was honestly not prepared. I wasn't aware how much I had looked forward to this fist Holliday with a new baby. I'm sure many of you know I love dressing up and I didn't get to with her. I was unaware how much I wanted to spend this Holliday with Amirra until it's here and my heart is broken. 

4 months was a big one. Who am I kidding they are all big ones. But We wanted to make it a special one. I finally got all of the donations ready to be taken to the hospital. When I was pregnant with Amirra we had a few baby showers because "No life is too short to celebrate" and at these celebrations of life we spent the time crocheting and sewing baby beenies and cloth diapers for the micro preemies and angel babies born at the local hospital. 

I can't explain the feeling I got snipping the threads.  tucking the yarn. Pinning the diapers. I remember the time I spent crocheting them. The hopes I had to snug her up in them.

Those moments never came for me, but Lorenzo and I are now a part of a club that no one ever wishes to be inducted into, and we know the endless pain that comes along with it. It was such a painful joy to take these teeny tiny items to the hospital for other babies and parents in such pain. Just a little bit of color in the darkest of places. Just a little something In honor of our Sweet Princess Amirra Michelle!!! One way we are trying to love her longer than life. 

when your staring at the sky

I can't believe how beautiful the weather is outside. Its so perfect, and so are the colors.

we have been so busy lately. Homeschool and activities, friends and birthdays, parties and movie nights, snuggles and laughter. I swear there is never a dull moment. There is also not a moment I don't wish my beautiful Amirra was here with us... enjoying the fall. Its still so warm we could have her out without having to bundle her up. I bet she would love hiking as much as her brothers and sister does.

There are still tears, and sadness. Sometimes I catch myself laughing like I used to and it still feels a little weird. I think I have finally come to a place where I don't feel guilty about being happy though. Ive come to a place where I feel her more when I am happy then when I am sad. I know that the sad is for me and not for her. I know she wants so much for us to be happy. I know that because I want so much for her to be happy as well...

during the Lds general conference last weekend Elder Holland gave a talk entitled "behold thy mother".... oh man if you haven't heard or read it you most defiantly should... no matter you religious affiliation anyone who has or is a mother will absolutely feel uplifted.... and you'll probably want to call your mommy! anyways he talks about how our mothers not only bare us but continue to bare with us throughout all of our lives... He also says no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child. oh how true I feel that is.

 this part is my favorite:

Maternal love has to be divine. There is no other explanation for it. What mothers do is an essential element of Christ’s work. Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can [then] say with Jesus, ‘[Father!] I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.’¹¹ ”


I have thought over and over and over again this part. I still have 4 children. I know there are some people in the world that just wont be able to understand that but it is the truth! I am a mother of 4 now and forever. And at that last day will I be able to say "father i have finished the work which thou gavest me to do"? There are so many books on how to be a good mother. different tactics and philosophies. But how can i be a good mother to Amirra? I don't get to teach her or hold her, feed her or snuggle her. There is no crying solution or co sleeping. How can I show her my never ending love for her from so far away.

I'm not so sure I have the answer yet. and maybe it will be a different answer from day to day. But I am realizing that 1) I can be a good mother to Amirra by still living.

That is so hard to do... its so hard to remember how to breath.... remember to exhale. remember to laugh every once in a while. remember that honoring her doesn't mean that I never have joy again. How silly to think that she is up in heaven moping around wishing she was here. I can only imagine that she is so so joyful.... and so so busy...

along those lines comes my realization number 2) I can help her. I am still her mother! I will always be her mother and I will bare and continue to bare with her all the days of my life. I choose to believe that she is continuing her mission in the celestial realm. And I have no doubt there will be times that she will need me, here on this side of the veil,, to assist her in her duties. I know that I can do things for her still. I can be the shoulder to cry on for a soul that she was sent to comfort. I can be the example to the person she was sent to inspire. I can do my genealogy and temple work for those that she is tirelessly up there teaching. I did and will bare, bore, carry, support... anything. I will be her mother here on earth until I once again get to be the mother that hugs her goodnight!

Life is really hard... even when its busy.... but I still have 3 other children that need me. And i am trying so hard to see the joy that Life can posses. In the small and simple things. Its so hard to move forward when you are staring at the sky.....




 but maybe one day all of my children will as it says in Prov. 31:28 arise up, and call her blessed...
until then I will continue living and loving longer than life.

The Autopsy

It as exactly 3 months to the day that I received that call..... the one I had been dreading and praying for since my little angel was wheeled away in her little hospital basinet.

I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. It couldn't possibly have been 3 months since I laid her in there and allowed the nurse to take her out of my room one last time. I remember when I was pregnant with her I used to tell Lorenzo "I just don't know how I am going to do it. How am I going to watch as they just take her away" I knew it was coming. I knew from the first time I held her that I was on a time limit at how many snuggles I got. I was really worried that I was going to cause a scene and they would have to come and rip her from my arms and sedate me...... In all honesty now I wish that was what happened. I wish her little spirit hadn't been so strong there and the peace so consuming that I allowed them do take her... I wish I was freaking the freak out and kicking and screaming.... is that weird to wish for. Now looking back I wish I would have let out more of what I had on the inside.... the kicking and screaming and freaking the freak out!

She was there with me though. I felt her little spirit so strong.

Now three months later there is still a vice grip on my heart!

Its truly amazing just how physical the pain is. Its almost all consuming at times. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.

I find myself asking "what am I supposed to tell myself when I am baby hungry?" not only can I not just create or buy or steal another baby.... I don't want that... I'm not hungry for another baby (lol that sounds a little creepy)... I want my baby! I want my little Amirra. my little princess.

Initially they said it would take 4-6 weeks to have the autopsy report back to us. Oh how wrong they were. I thought about calling in and seeing where the status was - complaining that it was taking longer then they said. But in reality I didn't want to know. I did but I didn't. I knew they were going to wait until my little life was starting to find its way back together and then call and drop a bombshell on it and me all over again. And that is exactly what happened.

They were really so nice about telling me, so compassionate, you could tell.

Amirra had Turner Syndrome.... only females get TS and interestingly enough many don't even know they have it until they hit puberty... yes people do live with TS.

However in cases like Amirra where it is a more severe case and develops other compilations the chance of survival is non excitant. 

They gave me a bunch of numbers and statistics but basically there was no way she would have survived... 99% of these cases result in a miscarriage before you even realize you are pregnant.

Honestly I don't feel like going over all the factors and the problems and the chances and the specifics of her case because honestly it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter what or how or why.... what matters is that I had a perfect little gift that I got to hold for all of her lifetime and that I wasn't the reason she didn't get to stay. I guess that's really what it comes down to. I had to know that I didn't cause this. that it wasn't my fault. You couldn't possibly know how agonizing it is laying awake at night wondering if you killed your baby... to cry so hard until you about pass out because what if... what if its your fault... what if you destroyed the one thing you wanted so badly!!

All the other stuff doesn't really matter. Its not like it changes anything anyways. She truly is gone.. and everyday she just becomes even more gone. But I get to all her mine forever. And no matter what the test results say she was and IS PERFECT.

and I love her Longer Than Life