A labor of love

She would have been here..... She would have been a pumpkin, or a bunny, or tinkerbell, or Anna while her sister was Elsa. Honestly it doesn't matter what she would have been she would have been adorable. And she most likely would sleep through all 2 million pictures I took of her in her costume. 

They say that the first holidays are the hardest. I was honestly not prepared. I wasn't aware how much I had looked forward to this fist Holliday with a new baby. I'm sure many of you know I love dressing up and I didn't get to with her. I was unaware how much I wanted to spend this Holliday with Amirra until it's here and my heart is broken. 

4 months was a big one. Who am I kidding they are all big ones. But We wanted to make it a special one. I finally got all of the donations ready to be taken to the hospital. When I was pregnant with Amirra we had a few baby showers because "No life is too short to celebrate" and at these celebrations of life we spent the time crocheting and sewing baby beenies and cloth diapers for the micro preemies and angel babies born at the local hospital. 

I can't explain the feeling I got snipping the threads.  tucking the yarn. Pinning the diapers. I remember the time I spent crocheting them. The hopes I had to snug her up in them.

Those moments never came for me, but Lorenzo and I are now a part of a club that no one ever wishes to be inducted into, and we know the endless pain that comes along with it. It was such a painful joy to take these teeny tiny items to the hospital for other babies and parents in such pain. Just a little bit of color in the darkest of places. Just a little something In honor of our Sweet Princess Amirra Michelle!!! One way we are trying to love her longer than life. 

when your staring at the sky

I can't believe how beautiful the weather is outside. Its so perfect, and so are the colors.

we have been so busy lately. Homeschool and activities, friends and birthdays, parties and movie nights, snuggles and laughter. I swear there is never a dull moment. There is also not a moment I don't wish my beautiful Amirra was here with us... enjoying the fall. Its still so warm we could have her out without having to bundle her up. I bet she would love hiking as much as her brothers and sister does.

There are still tears, and sadness. Sometimes I catch myself laughing like I used to and it still feels a little weird. I think I have finally come to a place where I don't feel guilty about being happy though. Ive come to a place where I feel her more when I am happy then when I am sad. I know that the sad is for me and not for her. I know she wants so much for us to be happy. I know that because I want so much for her to be happy as well...

during the Lds general conference last weekend Elder Holland gave a talk entitled "behold thy mother".... oh man if you haven't heard or read it you most defiantly should... no matter you religious affiliation anyone who has or is a mother will absolutely feel uplifted.... and you'll probably want to call your mommy! anyways he talks about how our mothers not only bare us but continue to bare with us throughout all of our lives... He also says no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child. oh how true I feel that is.

 this part is my favorite:

Maternal love has to be divine. There is no other explanation for it. What mothers do is an essential element of Christ’s work. Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can [then] say with Jesus, ‘[Father!] I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.’¹¹ ”


I have thought over and over and over again this part. I still have 4 children. I know there are some people in the world that just wont be able to understand that but it is the truth! I am a mother of 4 now and forever. And at that last day will I be able to say "father i have finished the work which thou gavest me to do"? There are so many books on how to be a good mother. different tactics and philosophies. But how can i be a good mother to Amirra? I don't get to teach her or hold her, feed her or snuggle her. There is no crying solution or co sleeping. How can I show her my never ending love for her from so far away.

I'm not so sure I have the answer yet. and maybe it will be a different answer from day to day. But I am realizing that 1) I can be a good mother to Amirra by still living.

That is so hard to do... its so hard to remember how to breath.... remember to exhale. remember to laugh every once in a while. remember that honoring her doesn't mean that I never have joy again. How silly to think that she is up in heaven moping around wishing she was here. I can only imagine that she is so so joyful.... and so so busy...

along those lines comes my realization number 2) I can help her. I am still her mother! I will always be her mother and I will bare and continue to bare with her all the days of my life. I choose to believe that she is continuing her mission in the celestial realm. And I have no doubt there will be times that she will need me, here on this side of the veil,, to assist her in her duties. I know that I can do things for her still. I can be the shoulder to cry on for a soul that she was sent to comfort. I can be the example to the person she was sent to inspire. I can do my genealogy and temple work for those that she is tirelessly up there teaching. I did and will bare, bore, carry, support... anything. I will be her mother here on earth until I once again get to be the mother that hugs her goodnight!

Life is really hard... even when its busy.... but I still have 3 other children that need me. And i am trying so hard to see the joy that Life can posses. In the small and simple things. Its so hard to move forward when you are staring at the sky.....




 but maybe one day all of my children will as it says in Prov. 31:28 arise up, and call her blessed...
until then I will continue living and loving longer than life.

The Autopsy

It as exactly 3 months to the day that I received that call..... the one I had been dreading and praying for since my little angel was wheeled away in her little hospital basinet.

I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. It couldn't possibly have been 3 months since I laid her in there and allowed the nurse to take her out of my room one last time. I remember when I was pregnant with her I used to tell Lorenzo "I just don't know how I am going to do it. How am I going to watch as they just take her away" I knew it was coming. I knew from the first time I held her that I was on a time limit at how many snuggles I got. I was really worried that I was going to cause a scene and they would have to come and rip her from my arms and sedate me...... In all honesty now I wish that was what happened. I wish her little spirit hadn't been so strong there and the peace so consuming that I allowed them do take her... I wish I was freaking the freak out and kicking and screaming.... is that weird to wish for. Now looking back I wish I would have let out more of what I had on the inside.... the kicking and screaming and freaking the freak out!

She was there with me though. I felt her little spirit so strong.

Now three months later there is still a vice grip on my heart!

Its truly amazing just how physical the pain is. Its almost all consuming at times. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.

I find myself asking "what am I supposed to tell myself when I am baby hungry?" not only can I not just create or buy or steal another baby.... I don't want that... I'm not hungry for another baby (lol that sounds a little creepy)... I want my baby! I want my little Amirra. my little princess.

Initially they said it would take 4-6 weeks to have the autopsy report back to us. Oh how wrong they were. I thought about calling in and seeing where the status was - complaining that it was taking longer then they said. But in reality I didn't want to know. I did but I didn't. I knew they were going to wait until my little life was starting to find its way back together and then call and drop a bombshell on it and me all over again. And that is exactly what happened.

They were really so nice about telling me, so compassionate, you could tell.

Amirra had Turner Syndrome.... only females get TS and interestingly enough many don't even know they have it until they hit puberty... yes people do live with TS.

However in cases like Amirra where it is a more severe case and develops other compilations the chance of survival is non excitant. 

They gave me a bunch of numbers and statistics but basically there was no way she would have survived... 99% of these cases result in a miscarriage before you even realize you are pregnant.

Honestly I don't feel like going over all the factors and the problems and the chances and the specifics of her case because honestly it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter what or how or why.... what matters is that I had a perfect little gift that I got to hold for all of her lifetime and that I wasn't the reason she didn't get to stay. I guess that's really what it comes down to. I had to know that I didn't cause this. that it wasn't my fault. You couldn't possibly know how agonizing it is laying awake at night wondering if you killed your baby... to cry so hard until you about pass out because what if... what if its your fault... what if you destroyed the one thing you wanted so badly!!

All the other stuff doesn't really matter. Its not like it changes anything anyways. She truly is gone.. and everyday she just becomes even more gone. But I get to all her mine forever. And no matter what the test results say she was and IS PERFECT.

and I love her Longer Than Life

Amirras Due Date

I have had so many WORST DAYS of my LIFE in the last few months... today was just another one of those! Today was the day. My sweet babies due date...
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 it feels a lot like Christmas came but Santa did not.

I have had this day on my mind for months now and as it has gotten closer its the first time I have actually dreaded a due date. I wished for this day just not to come at all. I honestly don't even know what to say. There is no way for me to even begin to explain through words what this feels like.... I thought it was going to get easier with time, in a lot of ways it has, but there is a pain that comes with this day and the realization that she would be here with us right now that is more painful then all the other days combined. Everyday this month has been a painful countdown to something that could have been but never will be. A dream I held but it slipped through my fingers. The picture perfect that went up in flames and with it all my purpose and direction in life.

Amirra Michelle Riddle...... she could have been healthy, and happy, and whole.... she could have been here with me.... perfect and tiny and mine.

How painfully ironic that she was born exactly 12 weeks ago today... 12 weeks to the day before she was supposed to.... how painful every day since then has been...

oh my precious Amirra, I have felt every day of your absence. Even when you are near you are too far away. I want so badly to hold you. So badly that my arms hurt. I wonder if you know just how much I wanted you, how much I prayed for you, how much I long for you? Do you have any idea how bad my heart hurts for you?

I wanted to spend the day snuggling you. I wanted to spend the day counting your fingers and toes. I wanted today to be filled with napping and kisses and tickles and crying and cooing and all the amazing things that come along with a brand new baby. Your daddy wanted so badly to spend the day holding you while you slept close to his chest. Your brothers wanted to take turns holding you and your sister more then anyone wanted to be the one to welcome you here to the world.... her life long best friend that mommy made just for her. There is not a single thing we wouldn't have given to spend this day with YOU!

Today was spent very differently.

the day began very rainy and droopy just like how we all felt inside...
daddy took the day off because lets face it we all knew today was going to be a hard day.
I laid in bed for a very long time wondering if I wanted to get up at all.... ever....
But I did get up... I got up for you.... I wanted to spend the day honoring you. I think you were with us all day.

We spent most of the morning just trying not to cry....
 we opened presents for the family in honor of your "birth" day...

We ate lunch at the cemetery with you because its so peaceful there ...

We went up the mountain and went for a hike because that's where we feel you the most...

We drew pictures of our favorite things to send up to heaven to you.....

I even wore every single Amirra necklace that I have all at once...

I think our favorite part was watching the balloons take our letters up to you....

And yes I know my hair was crazy all day!! The wind was blowing really hard! 

Every min of this day was spent praying for you, missing you, loving and longing for you. Amirra you are so loved.... you are so so so so so loved....
I wish you were here more than anything in this world.
I wish I could kiss your face right this minute.
I wish I could just hold you all day and all night.


Loving you Longer than Life