It as exactly 3 months to the day that I received that call..... the one I had been dreading and praying for since my little angel was wheeled away in her little hospital basinet.
I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. It couldn't possibly have been 3 months since I laid her in there and allowed the nurse to take her out of my room one last time. I remember when I was pregnant with her I used to tell Lorenzo "I just don't know how I am going to do it. How am I going to watch as they just take her away" I knew it was coming. I knew from the first time I held her that I was on a time limit at how many snuggles I got. I was really worried that I was going to cause a scene and they would have to come and rip her from my arms and sedate me...... In all honesty now I wish that was what happened. I wish her little spirit hadn't been so strong there and the peace so consuming that I allowed them do take her... I wish I was freaking the freak out and kicking and screaming.... is that weird to wish for. Now looking back I wish I would have let out more of what I had on the inside.... the kicking and screaming and freaking the freak out!
She was there with me though. I felt her little spirit so strong.
Now three months later there is still a vice grip on my heart!
Its truly amazing just how physical the pain is. Its almost all consuming at times. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.
I find myself asking "what am I supposed to tell myself when I am baby hungry?" not only can I not just create or buy or steal another baby.... I don't want that... I'm not hungry for another baby (lol that sounds a little creepy)... I want my baby! I want my little Amirra. my little princess.
Initially they said it would take 4-6 weeks to have the autopsy report back to us. Oh how wrong they were. I thought about calling in and seeing where the status was - complaining that it was taking longer then they said. But in reality I didn't want to know. I did but I didn't. I knew they were going to wait until my little life was starting to find its way back together and then call and drop a bombshell on it and me all over again. And that is exactly what happened.
They were really so nice about telling me, so compassionate, you could tell.
Amirra had Turner Syndrome.... only females get TS and interestingly enough many don't even know they have it until they hit puberty... yes people do live with TS.
However in cases like Amirra where it is a more severe case and develops other compilations the chance of survival is non excitant.
They gave me a bunch of numbers and statistics but basically there was no way she would have survived... 99% of these cases result in a miscarriage before you even realize you are pregnant.
Honestly I don't feel like going over all the factors and the problems and the chances and the specifics of her case because honestly it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter what or how or why.... what matters is that I had a perfect little gift that I got to hold for all of her lifetime and that I wasn't the reason she didn't get to stay. I guess that's really what it comes down to. I had to know that I didn't cause this. that it wasn't my fault. You couldn't possibly know how agonizing it is laying awake at night wondering if you killed your baby... to cry so hard until you about pass out because what if... what if its your fault... what if you destroyed the one thing you wanted so badly!!
All the other stuff doesn't really matter. Its not like it changes anything anyways. She truly is gone.. and everyday she just becomes even more gone. But I get to all her mine forever. And no matter what the test results say she was and IS PERFECT.
and I love her Longer Than Life
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
Amirras Due Date
....
.....
......
.......
.............
it feels a lot like Christmas came but Santa did not.
I have had this day on my mind for months now and as it has gotten closer its the first time I have actually dreaded a due date. I wished for this day just not to come at all. I honestly don't even know what to say. There is no way for me to even begin to explain through words what this feels like.... I thought it was going to get easier with time, in a lot of ways it has, but there is a pain that comes with this day and the realization that she would be here with us right now that is more painful then all the other days combined. Everyday this month has been a painful countdown to something that could have been but never will be. A dream I held but it slipped through my fingers. The picture perfect that went up in flames and with it all my purpose and direction in life.
Amirra Michelle Riddle...... she could have been healthy, and happy, and whole.... she could have been here with me.... perfect and tiny and mine.
How painfully ironic that she was born exactly 12 weeks ago today... 12 weeks to the day before she was supposed to.... how painful every day since then has been...
oh my precious Amirra, I have felt every day of your absence. Even when you are near you are too far away. I want so badly to hold you. So badly that my arms hurt. I wonder if you know just how much I wanted you, how much I prayed for you, how much I long for you? Do you have any idea how bad my heart hurts for you?
I wanted to spend the day snuggling you. I wanted to spend the day counting your fingers and toes. I wanted today to be filled with napping and kisses and tickles and crying and cooing and all the amazing things that come along with a brand new baby. Your daddy wanted so badly to spend the day holding you while you slept close to his chest. Your brothers wanted to take turns holding you and your sister more then anyone wanted to be the one to welcome you here to the world.... her life long best friend that mommy made just for her. There is not a single thing we wouldn't have given to spend this day with YOU!
Today was spent very differently.
the day began very rainy and droopy just like how we all felt inside...
daddy took the day off because lets face it we all knew today was going to be a hard day.
I laid in bed for a very long time wondering if I wanted to get up at all.... ever....
But I did get up... I got up for you.... I wanted to spend the day honoring you. I think you were with us all day.
We spent most of the morning just trying not to cry....
we opened presents for the family in honor of your "birth" day...
We ate lunch at the cemetery with you because its so peaceful there ...
We went up the mountain and went for a hike because that's where we feel you the most...
We drew pictures of our favorite things to send up to heaven to you.....
I even wore every single Amirra necklace that I have all at once...
I think our favorite part was watching the balloons take our letters up to you....
And yes I know my hair was crazy all day!! The wind was blowing really hard!
Every min of this day was spent praying for you, missing you, loving and longing for you. Amirra you are so loved.... you are so so so so so loved....
I wish you were here more than anything in this world.
I wish I could kiss your face right this minute.
I wish I could just hold you all day and all night.
Loving you Longer than Life
Monday, August 17, 2015
Bitterness through a trial
8 weeks ago......... 8 weeks ago...... 8 weeks ago??
Its not like the more I see that on the screen the more real it is. Its not real. There are a lot of parts of this life that don't seem real anymore. There are so many things you have to relearn how to do. Like smile, or laugh, or forgive yourself when you catch yourself doing those things naturally and you feel so guilty..... remorse for letting yourself feel a spontaneous moment of joy when you are in such a state of grief.
8 weeks ago wasn't the first time my life was flipped upside down it was just the first day of the end..... everyday before that was the "before" and now ever day since has been marked as the "after".... but the after will last forever.
Recently I was reading in 1 Nephi 18:11 Reads "And it came to pass that Lamen and Lemuel did take me and bind me with cords, and they did treat me with much harshness; nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power, unto the fulfilling of his word which he had spoken concerning the wicked" and I stopped..... Nephi knew this..... he KNEW the Lord was Allowing this to happen to him, allowing him to be so persecuted. The Lord allowed this to happen to me, to Lorenzo, to Amirra... He ALLOWED her to die. He knew all along that her heart would stop beating and that in turn so would mine..... he knew and he allowed it to happen.... but I wonder.... did he allow it to happen so that he might "show forth his power"?
As I read on it says " .... there arose a great storm...... and it came to pass that we were about to be swallowed up.... wherefore, they loosed the bands which were upon my wrists, and behold they had swollen exceedingly, and also mine ankles were much swollen, and great was the soreness thereof. Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the lord because of mine afflictions"........
Why?? why would he not murmur against God? Why would he not shake his fist at heaven and demand some kind of answer? Don't you feel that way? For whatever you are going through, big or small, do you not scream to the Lord and ask WHY GOD? why did she have to die? why did this happen to me? why cant I just hold her one more time? why couldn't I hear her cry? why couldn't I be her mommy? WHY? WHY? WHY? Curse you, you cruel GOD! You all knowing being who ALLOWED this to happen to me! after everything I've been through and everything I've given.... curse you! ............................... Why didn't he say that? why didn't he feel that... and for those of you who aren't LDS what about JOB? he never cursed God.... God who also allowed Satan to utterly destroy him! What about all the apostles of Christ who were persecuted and eventually died for the cause... did they not also earn the right to forfeit the earthly hell they went through..... ...
....
....
....
....
....
"Nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power"
Dear God..... please help me to see your power!
the biggest thing that Im learning in this trial is that Lorenzo and I weren't the only ones exercising our agency.... Amirra had her agency as well. God allowed her to choose to live a life of agony or return to him. Would I choose so differently? I once said I would serve the lord all my days no matter the outcome. do I feel that way now?
Do I see the power the Lord is trying to show me?
8 weeks ago the most amazing thing happened to me.... I held an angel!!! and at one point since then I got to talk to one..... and ever day in between I have felt the presence on one or multiple angels. I have seen the light of my savior in more countenances then I can count. I have been helped by angels on both sides of the veil. I have been held and comforted, fed and carried, talk to and sung to and prayed for more times than could ever be recorded. I see the power of God all around me. And I hear it frequently when my little children hug me and remind me that "its ok mommy we will get to be with Amirra and Jesus again oneday"
Every day I go to sleep praying that I will wake up and this will have been a bad nightmare. And every night is filled with dreams of a beautiful baby girl that I get to hold and snuggle close. And every morning I start the day knowing I am a day further away from the memory. But I can not deny that I have seen the power of God. My heart is broken and I don't know how I can go on. But I can not deny that I have seen the power of God. I would trade everything I have in this world just to get one day with her... just one more time to hold her in my arms, or feel her kick and wiggle inside me, just to hear her heart beat on that monitor..... but I never will.... and I can not deny that I have seen the power of God.
I know that the Lord allowed this to happen. And I know there are some things in life you never really recover from, you just kind of learn to live with. But I have gained a testimony of the atonement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know that through him I will be with my Amirra someday. I have a testimony that though the Lord allowed this to happen to me he doesn't want me to hurt, he doesn't want any of us to feel pain or anguish. I testify that there is a life after death, and it is glorious beyond all comprehension. I also would suggest to any and all of you to look for the power through the trail. get into the habit of listing the blessing and mercies and the power of the Lord through the trials you experience so that you may always look back and remember that he was still there.
I know what I have to say may mean nothing to anyone.... but I owe it to my angel daughter to share the things I have experienced because of the blessing that she was, and she is, to anyone who will take the time to read it...
she truly is amazing.... and as always I am Loving her,
Longer Than Life
Its not like the more I see that on the screen the more real it is. Its not real. There are a lot of parts of this life that don't seem real anymore. There are so many things you have to relearn how to do. Like smile, or laugh, or forgive yourself when you catch yourself doing those things naturally and you feel so guilty..... remorse for letting yourself feel a spontaneous moment of joy when you are in such a state of grief.
8 weeks ago wasn't the first time my life was flipped upside down it was just the first day of the end..... everyday before that was the "before" and now ever day since has been marked as the "after".... but the after will last forever.
Recently I was reading in 1 Nephi 18:11 Reads "And it came to pass that Lamen and Lemuel did take me and bind me with cords, and they did treat me with much harshness; nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power, unto the fulfilling of his word which he had spoken concerning the wicked" and I stopped..... Nephi knew this..... he KNEW the Lord was Allowing this to happen to him, allowing him to be so persecuted. The Lord allowed this to happen to me, to Lorenzo, to Amirra... He ALLOWED her to die. He knew all along that her heart would stop beating and that in turn so would mine..... he knew and he allowed it to happen.... but I wonder.... did he allow it to happen so that he might "show forth his power"?
As I read on it says " .... there arose a great storm...... and it came to pass that we were about to be swallowed up.... wherefore, they loosed the bands which were upon my wrists, and behold they had swollen exceedingly, and also mine ankles were much swollen, and great was the soreness thereof. Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the lord because of mine afflictions"........
Why?? why would he not murmur against God? Why would he not shake his fist at heaven and demand some kind of answer? Don't you feel that way? For whatever you are going through, big or small, do you not scream to the Lord and ask WHY GOD? why did she have to die? why did this happen to me? why cant I just hold her one more time? why couldn't I hear her cry? why couldn't I be her mommy? WHY? WHY? WHY? Curse you, you cruel GOD! You all knowing being who ALLOWED this to happen to me! after everything I've been through and everything I've given.... curse you! ............................... Why didn't he say that? why didn't he feel that... and for those of you who aren't LDS what about JOB? he never cursed God.... God who also allowed Satan to utterly destroy him! What about all the apostles of Christ who were persecuted and eventually died for the cause... did they not also earn the right to forfeit the earthly hell they went through..... ...
....
....
....
....
....
"Nevertheless, the Lord did suffer it that he might show forth his power"
Dear God..... please help me to see your power!
the biggest thing that Im learning in this trial is that Lorenzo and I weren't the only ones exercising our agency.... Amirra had her agency as well. God allowed her to choose to live a life of agony or return to him. Would I choose so differently? I once said I would serve the lord all my days no matter the outcome. do I feel that way now?
Do I see the power the Lord is trying to show me?
8 weeks ago the most amazing thing happened to me.... I held an angel!!! and at one point since then I got to talk to one..... and ever day in between I have felt the presence on one or multiple angels. I have seen the light of my savior in more countenances then I can count. I have been helped by angels on both sides of the veil. I have been held and comforted, fed and carried, talk to and sung to and prayed for more times than could ever be recorded. I see the power of God all around me. And I hear it frequently when my little children hug me and remind me that "its ok mommy we will get to be with Amirra and Jesus again oneday"
Every day I go to sleep praying that I will wake up and this will have been a bad nightmare. And every night is filled with dreams of a beautiful baby girl that I get to hold and snuggle close. And every morning I start the day knowing I am a day further away from the memory. But I can not deny that I have seen the power of God. My heart is broken and I don't know how I can go on. But I can not deny that I have seen the power of God. I would trade everything I have in this world just to get one day with her... just one more time to hold her in my arms, or feel her kick and wiggle inside me, just to hear her heart beat on that monitor..... but I never will.... and I can not deny that I have seen the power of God.
I know that the Lord allowed this to happen. And I know there are some things in life you never really recover from, you just kind of learn to live with. But I have gained a testimony of the atonement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know that through him I will be with my Amirra someday. I have a testimony that though the Lord allowed this to happen to me he doesn't want me to hurt, he doesn't want any of us to feel pain or anguish. I testify that there is a life after death, and it is glorious beyond all comprehension. I also would suggest to any and all of you to look for the power through the trail. get into the habit of listing the blessing and mercies and the power of the Lord through the trials you experience so that you may always look back and remember that he was still there.
I know what I have to say may mean nothing to anyone.... but I owe it to my angel daughter to share the things I have experienced because of the blessing that she was, and she is, to anyone who will take the time to read it...
she truly is amazing.... and as always I am Loving her,
Longer Than Life
Sunday, July 5, 2015
a mothers intuition
Ive heard a story once told of mother busying herself with her housework while her children played safely in the back yard. While she worked washing the dishes it was easy for her mind to wander as it does to the thousand of thing left to do that day, the new family that had moved in down the street that she needed to take a welcome treat to, her husbands job that he was struggle with at the time, her ageing grandmother she needed to go visit, the plants that still needed watering, laundry folding, bills to be paid, food to be made.......... GO check on the baby........ I don't rightly remember what the baby had gotten into or what she saved it from just in the nick of time what I do know is that these stories are a dime a dozen. These stories range from interesting happenchance to awe inspiring testaments. These stories are as unique and diverse as the people that they happen to....
I don't know why Mothers intuition has been on my mind so much lately but it has. And as I sat pondering it recently the realization came to me..... of course.... why wouldn't it be mothers entrusted with this God given power. That is what it is isn't it. A God given power of the spirit! Why wouldn't it be mothers who care and protect and teach and spend every moment of their entire existence pining over these little creatures that we helped to create.... after all God himself said he entrusted the raising of these souls here on earth to the care of a mother! Wouldn't we also suppose he would entrust us with a power as glorious and magnificent as the calling?
Of course it would be mothers! of course it would be mothers who would be so in tune with the spiritual well being of their children that they can sense when to call, when to questions, when to stop, or go get, or protect, or say no when we have said yes a million times before! Of course it would be a mother that senses when a child is in need, or is falling away from the knowledge of the truth, or just needs a hug! Of course it would be a mother that can Spiritually FEEL the well being of another SPIRIT!! I ask you...... when, besides when a mother is pregnant, are their TWO spirits dwelling in ONE body? yes granted there are two bodies, I get that... but there is also two spirit within the confines of a single mortal body. How then is it such a stretch that that mother would know so in-depth the feelings and needs and wellbeing of another spirit, another spiritual child of our father in heaven. It isn't.... I for one can bare testimony of that!
I can bare testimony that I know what my children's spirits FEEL like! They were with me from the time of conception to the time of birth, or in my precious Amirra's case shortly after death. I understand now more clearly that the reason I didn't feel her leave when she died was because she didn't leave! She was there with me the whole time even after her spirit had left her body and I know that because I know what it felt like when she finally did leave!
I have a testimony that God has given us as mothers, weather we have bore our children or not, a very real power here on earth to be in tune with not only our spiritual needs and well beings but theirs as well... even if we have not birthed our children we are entrusted to raise them and with that trust and responsibility God entrust us with the power to do so beyond mortal limitations because he loves us and more importantly he loves them!
I have a testimony that there is a life after death.
today while siting in sacrament meeting my 4 year old obviously sensing I was feeling low turned to me and said out of the clear blue
"mommy are you sad because Amirra can live with us"..............
"yes tahlae"
"me too"......
"but you know bud sometimes I feel her close.. I feel her around us"
"yeah I do too".... be still my heart! I pray that he really does feel her!
"you know buddy she will always be your baby sister"
"I know mommy cuz families can be for forever"
and of course at this point I started balling and hugged him while he just smiled up at me and decided I needed to hear the whole song in its entirety! Oh my sweet son!
I testify to you that I know what my sweet Amirra's spirit feels like! I know what it feels like for the vale to be parted and your mind and your eyes to be opened to the things not quite of this world. I know what it feels like to have a conversation with a soul that has passed through the veil and I can tell you that that veil is very very thin. I know what it feels like when my daughters spirit draws near to me and I know that there is a life, an existence, a purpose and a plan after we pass from this side to the next. To me, my daughter is not dead..... she is so very much alive! Her spirit and her body are temporarily separated. And the pain of that is sometimes more then I can bare..... but she is not dead... and through the grace and glory of my God I can know and feel and be strengthened and uplifted and truly healed by the relationship that I can still have with her and the connection and bond that our spirit will share and cherish longer then time, longer then eternity, and most defiantly
Longer then Life
I don't know why Mothers intuition has been on my mind so much lately but it has. And as I sat pondering it recently the realization came to me..... of course.... why wouldn't it be mothers entrusted with this God given power. That is what it is isn't it. A God given power of the spirit! Why wouldn't it be mothers who care and protect and teach and spend every moment of their entire existence pining over these little creatures that we helped to create.... after all God himself said he entrusted the raising of these souls here on earth to the care of a mother! Wouldn't we also suppose he would entrust us with a power as glorious and magnificent as the calling?
Of course it would be mothers! of course it would be mothers who would be so in tune with the spiritual well being of their children that they can sense when to call, when to questions, when to stop, or go get, or protect, or say no when we have said yes a million times before! Of course it would be a mother that senses when a child is in need, or is falling away from the knowledge of the truth, or just needs a hug! Of course it would be a mother that can Spiritually FEEL the well being of another SPIRIT!! I ask you...... when, besides when a mother is pregnant, are their TWO spirits dwelling in ONE body? yes granted there are two bodies, I get that... but there is also two spirit within the confines of a single mortal body. How then is it such a stretch that that mother would know so in-depth the feelings and needs and wellbeing of another spirit, another spiritual child of our father in heaven. It isn't.... I for one can bare testimony of that!
I can bare testimony that I know what my children's spirits FEEL like! They were with me from the time of conception to the time of birth, or in my precious Amirra's case shortly after death. I understand now more clearly that the reason I didn't feel her leave when she died was because she didn't leave! She was there with me the whole time even after her spirit had left her body and I know that because I know what it felt like when she finally did leave!
I have a testimony that God has given us as mothers, weather we have bore our children or not, a very real power here on earth to be in tune with not only our spiritual needs and well beings but theirs as well... even if we have not birthed our children we are entrusted to raise them and with that trust and responsibility God entrust us with the power to do so beyond mortal limitations because he loves us and more importantly he loves them!
I have a testimony that there is a life after death.
today while siting in sacrament meeting my 4 year old obviously sensing I was feeling low turned to me and said out of the clear blue
"mommy are you sad because Amirra can live with us"..............
"yes tahlae"
"me too"......
"but you know bud sometimes I feel her close.. I feel her around us"
"yeah I do too".... be still my heart! I pray that he really does feel her!
"you know buddy she will always be your baby sister"
"I know mommy cuz families can be for forever"
and of course at this point I started balling and hugged him while he just smiled up at me and decided I needed to hear the whole song in its entirety! Oh my sweet son!
I testify to you that I know what my sweet Amirra's spirit feels like! I know what it feels like for the vale to be parted and your mind and your eyes to be opened to the things not quite of this world. I know what it feels like to have a conversation with a soul that has passed through the veil and I can tell you that that veil is very very thin. I know what it feels like when my daughters spirit draws near to me and I know that there is a life, an existence, a purpose and a plan after we pass from this side to the next. To me, my daughter is not dead..... she is so very much alive! Her spirit and her body are temporarily separated. And the pain of that is sometimes more then I can bare..... but she is not dead... and through the grace and glory of my God I can know and feel and be strengthened and uplifted and truly healed by the relationship that I can still have with her and the connection and bond that our spirit will share and cherish longer then time, longer then eternity, and most defiantly
Longer then Life
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
The day my angel was born
I don't even know where to start with this one....
The beginning I guess....
I guess I'm not ready for this to be real and writing it all out.... then its real... it really happened.
In reality though its an amazing story.
I, through the encouragement of a friend, decided I wanted to have a party for my sweet little baby... one thing led to another and the ideas kept piling on top of each other.. one party turned to 3. a party tuned into a baby shower, the shower turned into more of a gathering to craft in honor of my baby... At the shower we made items to be donated to local hospitals such as cloth diapers and baby beanies... they were tiny because I wanted them to be for the very tiny micro preemies that might not make it just like my little one....
the first one was in Cedar City and since I'm quite afraid to be away from home for very long it was a very fast, rough trip. We left Friday night and came home Saturday night... and it was not a fun ride!! I ended up sitting in the back seat with the boys in the third row so I could put my feet up on the console! I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible but who was i kidding!
Sunday, Fathers day, was a busy day. I woke up and made Lorenzo breakfast and yada yada. I also taught Young Women that day. It was about how the priesthood blesses our lives. It went really well and it was a much needed reminder that the priesthood is in fact the power of God here on earth. Ive been so upset and hung up on my last priesthood blessing and parts of it that I felt have not come to reality like I've wanted. There wasn't a lot that were specific blessing for this lifetime. But one thing in my blessing that was specific was that the amniotic fluid would develop and sustain my baby. Yes baby has been sustained and still kicking away but every time they do a scan there is still no fluid around the baby. Which means that baby doesn't have a working bladder..... which means that baby wont practice breathing nor have a chance to take a breath. I've been so upset and hung up on this one part that I cant see past to anything else.
Anyways the lesson went really well and I was pleased to have my testimony even slightly enlightened. I was so exhausted though! The trip, the lack of sleep, the stress of the lesson.... As soon as I got home and sat down I turned to Lorenzo and said "I have no idea how I'm not in labor" ... 5 min later I have my first contraction.
Since it was Fathers day Lorenzo's brother and sister in law came over for dinner. my contractions had been consistently every 3.5 min for 5 hrs. They weren't strong but they weren't going away... not by Tylenol, or a nap, or a warm bath, or just laying as much as possible! They were like clockwork.
I was in denial that this was anything more then maybe Braxton hicks but now at 5 hrs with no let up I asked Lorenzo and his brother to give me a blessing. In this blessing I was "not promised that this would stop or that the labor would not progress" but I was blessed that " I would find peace and comfort and know that the lord is not only mindful of my situation but is also in control and that whatever happens is by his doing and by his care". It had been so long since I had actually FELT the spirit! I felt the warmth of the saviors love all around me. I felt the power and comfort of God wash over me. It had been so long and it was so wonderful to finally feel anything more then just numb.
Once the blessing was ended I stood and hugged my husband, hugged my brother, took 2 steps and my water broke!!!!!!!! My water broke!! Every time we did a ultrasound there was no amniotic fluid and yet here I was standing there with it running down my legs! I have never had my water break before. My dr would always do it sometime after I was already in the hospital so I was double shocked. I just turned to Lorenzo in a daze and said "I think my water just broke". His brother and sister were on their way out the door anyways so as soon as they left and another round of water just gushed out of me (SORRY TMI) I fell apart! I started balling and screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" "Lorenzo NO"
This cant be happening I'm not ready for this! this cant be what the lord meant by this blessing!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!!!!
Please God! Please Father Don't do this ! My drs not in town! I have 2 more baby showers to go to this weeks! NO! Not now! this is my fault! this is all my fault! Why had I wanted to go to Cedar so bad... I pushed myself too much! I should have stayed home... I wanted to celebrate baby's life so much that I had taken the life right away.
of course the kids at this point are in a panic because mommy is hysterical. Lorenzo just basically picked me up took me to the bathroom and got me to breath again! We stood forehead to forehead, me balling, him crying and telling me "its not your fault baby' "I'm here babe and we are going to do this together" "the whole thing together me and you" "we are going to get through this"!
How do I breath! I knew this was coming! I felt it, I could have guessed it would be today... in fact I basically did. But why? HOW... the how I was so scared of. Whats about to happen.... my baby is going to die today!! my baby is going to die today! Please God No!!
The next few hours was quite a blur. We packed up and made our way to the hospital. ps have I mentioned before that I hate soccer? Well I do even more now since there was a real salt lake game just getting out that had cops blocking and directing traffic on every road leading us to the hospital. So a 10 min ride was almost 30! Awesome right! We got to Alta view and got to the main desk where they asked "what brings you in tonight?" .... seriously people! "well I'm having contractions, 7 hrs now at about 3 min apart and my water just broke"
"ok when are you due"
"sept"
"SEPTEMBER!"
they got me right back and I had to explain that I knew this was coming... the nurse asked me if because of the complications what the specialist were telling me and asked "did they say if the baby was compatible with life"
..........
..........
..........
I knew the answer.......... but in that moment I couldn't say it . How could I say this out loud? How could I betray the angel that was inside me and basically admit that I knew there was no hope for a future with it? What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say?
I said "no.......
I actually said it... I said no! How am I still breathing! My heart is slowly being ripped out of my chest!! How am I admitting that no, my baby wont be living for very much longer and not only can I not stop it but my body is basically making it happen... My body is forcing my little baby from its only place of survival! How will I ever live again?
After a bunch of questions and needles and monitors questions upon questions, the lead nurse actually had to ask me 3 times "now what did you say baby had again"!!! she didn't even know what it was! I was starting to freak out. If my dr wasn't there and these people had no clue what was about to happen how well are we going to be care of! But at least the had a heartbeat for baby! At least baby was still alive.... maybe there was still hope for even a few min with it!
they brought in the on call dr who was also unfamiliar with the condition and wanted to do some ultrasounds to see just how big baby was and if I was going to be able do deliver baby on my own. They brought in the ultrasound tech about 20 min later and saw that of course the baby had not miraculously improved.. The fear in their eyes was so evident.. They were obviously not prepared for what they were going to see on the scan... They obviously had no idea what they were dealing with here.... but my horror came because of a different reason... there was no longer a heartbeat... the screen was black and cold and empty... just like the aching whole that once held my heart.... baby was gone. sometime in the last 20 min my baby had just gone. There was no magical chime of a trinket or light warm breeze that caressed my skin as baby's spirit drifted away.... I had no clue... baby had just..... finished its plan.... and made a very silent exit. Like a friend who leaves a party before you had an opportunity to thank them for coming in the first place...
That's when Lorenzo fell apart... he said he "just wanted a chance to hold the baby one time while it was alive... even for a min.. just a min in his arms while it was still breathing is all he had been praying for"... and all I could do was stoke his head as my mountain of a man fell to pieces at my bedside...
I felt so guilty! This must be my fault. I felt every time this little baby moves or stretched or got the hiccups.... I felt everything. I got to hold this baby every second of its life and I wanted so badly to be able to give Lorenzo just a moment. Just a single memory to hold onto. But instead I had selfishly held them all to myself. And now it was too late. It was over.... the path come to a close and there was nothing anyone could do to create a new path.
Now of course the focus shifted. I was no longer mother and baby patients.... just mother... and because of that they decided it be best to ship me to IMC where there were more advanced equipment and more prepared drs. It was the most miserable ride of my life, strapped down to a very uncomfortable bed, in the back of a ambulance, hitting every bump in the road... I don't know what I was thinking.. I was so silly to think that now that the baby's journey was over mine would be as well.. but in reality my hard journey had in some ways just begun...
once I was at IMC and got a new dr they did another more in depth ultrasound and realized that though I was only 28 weeks along baby was much to big for me to deliver on my own.... they were worried they would put me through hours of intense labor just to have to rush me back and do an emergency c section because baby got stuck... I was horrified of that. so a C-section it was... and I was terrified... I had to wait a few hours because I had eaten a few hour before so there I waited... still in labor... still in intense pain.. and still in paralyzing fear of what the next few hours held... soon they came in to give Lorenzo his scrubs and wheel me back.
By this time I had dilated to a 4 and was in a lot of pain. But they numbed me up and started the most scary procedure of my life... Lorenzo and I were both shaking like leaves. We had no idea what to expect. we just knew things weren't great..... They finished, stitched me up, wheeled me back to my room and brought in a bundle of blankets and placed an angel in my arms....
...
....
......
words cannot express this moment. finally being able to hold my baby in my arms. feel the weight of this sweet angel against me and not inside me.. my heart was empty and full all at the same time... and then I got to hand this little bundle off to daddy... that was the second greatest moment . being able to see my husband hold our child in his arms.
our angel
our little girl!!
just like I had suspected...
a little girl
a little princess
and so thats what we named her
Amirra Michelle Riddle
Amirra means princess in Hebrew.. how fitting
this little thing would forever be our little princess.
the next 29 hours were spent cuddling and rocking and singing and snuggling. The older children came in and held her and told her they loved her and that they would see her again someday. it was the most peaceful 29 hours ever. in the presence of something so holy. so magnificent. so perfect. our little Amirra changed our lives forever in those few short hours.
And when it was time to say goodbye... or see you later... part of me rejoiced at the blessing of what was and the rest of my body shattered and fell into tiny shards of the person I used to be...
its amazing how your life can start and fall apart all in the same moment. How will I ever live up to the miracle that was this perfect spirit that chose me as her mommy. how will I ever recover from the brokenness that is so physically painful. how does one live with a broken heart.. I honestly feel her absence as if I had lost a part of my very soul. I miss her more then words could ever express. I love her longer then life...
The beginning I guess....
I guess I'm not ready for this to be real and writing it all out.... then its real... it really happened.
In reality though its an amazing story.
I, through the encouragement of a friend, decided I wanted to have a party for my sweet little baby... one thing led to another and the ideas kept piling on top of each other.. one party turned to 3. a party tuned into a baby shower, the shower turned into more of a gathering to craft in honor of my baby... At the shower we made items to be donated to local hospitals such as cloth diapers and baby beanies... they were tiny because I wanted them to be for the very tiny micro preemies that might not make it just like my little one....
the first one was in Cedar City and since I'm quite afraid to be away from home for very long it was a very fast, rough trip. We left Friday night and came home Saturday night... and it was not a fun ride!! I ended up sitting in the back seat with the boys in the third row so I could put my feet up on the console! I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible but who was i kidding!
Sunday, Fathers day, was a busy day. I woke up and made Lorenzo breakfast and yada yada. I also taught Young Women that day. It was about how the priesthood blesses our lives. It went really well and it was a much needed reminder that the priesthood is in fact the power of God here on earth. Ive been so upset and hung up on my last priesthood blessing and parts of it that I felt have not come to reality like I've wanted. There wasn't a lot that were specific blessing for this lifetime. But one thing in my blessing that was specific was that the amniotic fluid would develop and sustain my baby. Yes baby has been sustained and still kicking away but every time they do a scan there is still no fluid around the baby. Which means that baby doesn't have a working bladder..... which means that baby wont practice breathing nor have a chance to take a breath. I've been so upset and hung up on this one part that I cant see past to anything else.
Anyways the lesson went really well and I was pleased to have my testimony even slightly enlightened. I was so exhausted though! The trip, the lack of sleep, the stress of the lesson.... As soon as I got home and sat down I turned to Lorenzo and said "I have no idea how I'm not in labor" ... 5 min later I have my first contraction.
Since it was Fathers day Lorenzo's brother and sister in law came over for dinner. my contractions had been consistently every 3.5 min for 5 hrs. They weren't strong but they weren't going away... not by Tylenol, or a nap, or a warm bath, or just laying as much as possible! They were like clockwork.
I was in denial that this was anything more then maybe Braxton hicks but now at 5 hrs with no let up I asked Lorenzo and his brother to give me a blessing. In this blessing I was "not promised that this would stop or that the labor would not progress" but I was blessed that " I would find peace and comfort and know that the lord is not only mindful of my situation but is also in control and that whatever happens is by his doing and by his care". It had been so long since I had actually FELT the spirit! I felt the warmth of the saviors love all around me. I felt the power and comfort of God wash over me. It had been so long and it was so wonderful to finally feel anything more then just numb.
Once the blessing was ended I stood and hugged my husband, hugged my brother, took 2 steps and my water broke!!!!!!!! My water broke!! Every time we did a ultrasound there was no amniotic fluid and yet here I was standing there with it running down my legs! I have never had my water break before. My dr would always do it sometime after I was already in the hospital so I was double shocked. I just turned to Lorenzo in a daze and said "I think my water just broke". His brother and sister were on their way out the door anyways so as soon as they left and another round of water just gushed out of me (SORRY TMI) I fell apart! I started balling and screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" "Lorenzo NO"
This cant be happening I'm not ready for this! this cant be what the lord meant by this blessing!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!!!!
Please God! Please Father Don't do this ! My drs not in town! I have 2 more baby showers to go to this weeks! NO! Not now! this is my fault! this is all my fault! Why had I wanted to go to Cedar so bad... I pushed myself too much! I should have stayed home... I wanted to celebrate baby's life so much that I had taken the life right away.
of course the kids at this point are in a panic because mommy is hysterical. Lorenzo just basically picked me up took me to the bathroom and got me to breath again! We stood forehead to forehead, me balling, him crying and telling me "its not your fault baby' "I'm here babe and we are going to do this together" "the whole thing together me and you" "we are going to get through this"!
How do I breath! I knew this was coming! I felt it, I could have guessed it would be today... in fact I basically did. But why? HOW... the how I was so scared of. Whats about to happen.... my baby is going to die today!! my baby is going to die today! Please God No!!
The next few hours was quite a blur. We packed up and made our way to the hospital. ps have I mentioned before that I hate soccer? Well I do even more now since there was a real salt lake game just getting out that had cops blocking and directing traffic on every road leading us to the hospital. So a 10 min ride was almost 30! Awesome right! We got to Alta view and got to the main desk where they asked "what brings you in tonight?" .... seriously people! "well I'm having contractions, 7 hrs now at about 3 min apart and my water just broke"
"ok when are you due"
"sept"
"SEPTEMBER!"
they got me right back and I had to explain that I knew this was coming... the nurse asked me if because of the complications what the specialist were telling me and asked "did they say if the baby was compatible with life"
..........
..........
..........
I knew the answer.......... but in that moment I couldn't say it . How could I say this out loud? How could I betray the angel that was inside me and basically admit that I knew there was no hope for a future with it? What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say?
I said "no.......
I actually said it... I said no! How am I still breathing! My heart is slowly being ripped out of my chest!! How am I admitting that no, my baby wont be living for very much longer and not only can I not stop it but my body is basically making it happen... My body is forcing my little baby from its only place of survival! How will I ever live again?
After a bunch of questions and needles and monitors questions upon questions, the lead nurse actually had to ask me 3 times "now what did you say baby had again"!!! she didn't even know what it was! I was starting to freak out. If my dr wasn't there and these people had no clue what was about to happen how well are we going to be care of! But at least the had a heartbeat for baby! At least baby was still alive.... maybe there was still hope for even a few min with it!
they brought in the on call dr who was also unfamiliar with the condition and wanted to do some ultrasounds to see just how big baby was and if I was going to be able do deliver baby on my own. They brought in the ultrasound tech about 20 min later and saw that of course the baby had not miraculously improved.. The fear in their eyes was so evident.. They were obviously not prepared for what they were going to see on the scan... They obviously had no idea what they were dealing with here.... but my horror came because of a different reason... there was no longer a heartbeat... the screen was black and cold and empty... just like the aching whole that once held my heart.... baby was gone. sometime in the last 20 min my baby had just gone. There was no magical chime of a trinket or light warm breeze that caressed my skin as baby's spirit drifted away.... I had no clue... baby had just..... finished its plan.... and made a very silent exit. Like a friend who leaves a party before you had an opportunity to thank them for coming in the first place...
That's when Lorenzo fell apart... he said he "just wanted a chance to hold the baby one time while it was alive... even for a min.. just a min in his arms while it was still breathing is all he had been praying for"... and all I could do was stoke his head as my mountain of a man fell to pieces at my bedside...
I felt so guilty! This must be my fault. I felt every time this little baby moves or stretched or got the hiccups.... I felt everything. I got to hold this baby every second of its life and I wanted so badly to be able to give Lorenzo just a moment. Just a single memory to hold onto. But instead I had selfishly held them all to myself. And now it was too late. It was over.... the path come to a close and there was nothing anyone could do to create a new path.
Now of course the focus shifted. I was no longer mother and baby patients.... just mother... and because of that they decided it be best to ship me to IMC where there were more advanced equipment and more prepared drs. It was the most miserable ride of my life, strapped down to a very uncomfortable bed, in the back of a ambulance, hitting every bump in the road... I don't know what I was thinking.. I was so silly to think that now that the baby's journey was over mine would be as well.. but in reality my hard journey had in some ways just begun...
once I was at IMC and got a new dr they did another more in depth ultrasound and realized that though I was only 28 weeks along baby was much to big for me to deliver on my own.... they were worried they would put me through hours of intense labor just to have to rush me back and do an emergency c section because baby got stuck... I was horrified of that. so a C-section it was... and I was terrified... I had to wait a few hours because I had eaten a few hour before so there I waited... still in labor... still in intense pain.. and still in paralyzing fear of what the next few hours held... soon they came in to give Lorenzo his scrubs and wheel me back.
By this time I had dilated to a 4 and was in a lot of pain. But they numbed me up and started the most scary procedure of my life... Lorenzo and I were both shaking like leaves. We had no idea what to expect. we just knew things weren't great..... They finished, stitched me up, wheeled me back to my room and brought in a bundle of blankets and placed an angel in my arms....
...
....
......
words cannot express this moment. finally being able to hold my baby in my arms. feel the weight of this sweet angel against me and not inside me.. my heart was empty and full all at the same time... and then I got to hand this little bundle off to daddy... that was the second greatest moment . being able to see my husband hold our child in his arms.
our angel
our little girl!!
just like I had suspected...
a little girl
a little princess
and so thats what we named her
Amirra Michelle Riddle
Amirra means princess in Hebrew.. how fitting
this little thing would forever be our little princess.
the next 29 hours were spent cuddling and rocking and singing and snuggling. The older children came in and held her and told her they loved her and that they would see her again someday. it was the most peaceful 29 hours ever. in the presence of something so holy. so magnificent. so perfect. our little Amirra changed our lives forever in those few short hours.
And when it was time to say goodbye... or see you later... part of me rejoiced at the blessing of what was and the rest of my body shattered and fell into tiny shards of the person I used to be...
its amazing how your life can start and fall apart all in the same moment. How will I ever live up to the miracle that was this perfect spirit that chose me as her mommy. how will I ever recover from the brokenness that is so physically painful. how does one live with a broken heart.. I honestly feel her absence as if I had lost a part of my very soul. I miss her more then words could ever express. I love her longer then life...
Thursday, June 18, 2015
preparing to say goodbye
Yet another dr.s apt. today. Its been 4 weeks since I was in last! Feels like forever since everything just fell apart. I don't know anymore who I'm writing this for. Me? My other children? Someone who may stumble across it? My life has been such a rollercoaster for the past few months I don't know how I even remember my own name! I feel so lost and so found at the same time. I have no idea what is going on or what is about to happen and yet I am so completely aware of both. Its really a crazy feeling.
In 4 weeks I have gained 20 lbs! That really quite an accomplishment! Its really all belly Im 27 weeks and measuring 36. my stomach is stretching so fast its still painful, and itchy because now my stretch marks have stretch marks... I actually got to witness a stretchmark being born the other day. My skin got really itchy and as I was scratching you could just see the line kind of redden and form before your very eyes. CREEPY!!! Im so swollen all over I hardly recognize my own feet, or face, or hands!
Going in today Lorenzo and I were pretty sure it was going to be the end. With all the swelling and weight gain we though that our dr would say times up and decide to pull the plug. However my blood pressure and urine is still perfect and the weight gain is obviously just water retention. So he said we are still ok to just wait if we want..... What am I supposed to say? "No thanks, im so miserable that I just want to be done" "lets just kill this baby and have it be done with" ..............................
We did an ultrasound of course to see what was going on with the baby and I have to say that I didn't look at first.... I couldn't look.... I wanted to close my eyes and pretend that everything was magically fixed. 4 weeks a miracle could have happened in 4 weeks right.... it developed in 4 weeks it could have fixed itself in 4 weeks... What if I didn't look and it was the last time I got to see my baby actually alive! So eventually.. I looked... and I was shattered... Just like every time... no miracle for my baby. Nothing better just the same slow progression in the wrong direction. Heartbeat still strong still kicking regularly and gets hiccups everyday but the fluid is still getting bigger and bigger....
I feel like such a fool. Where is the faith I had? Where is the peace I felt? Why did I ever hold on to any kind of hope? It was a fools hope. Why did I put so much faith on that priesthood blessing I got that brought me so much comfort? What is the point of a priesthood blessing anyways? Who among you want to tell me the reason I didn't receive the blessings given in it was because I didn't have enough faith? Who among you dare tell me that "Gods will be done" was how things have to be? If it be Gods will, one way or another, what is the point? God has made his decision from the beginning! Whether I was to receive a blessing or not, he has already written this child's path so what was the point? What about the people of this world that don't have the priesthood? God has decided weather their children will live or die even without a blessing. So what is the point. I hate when people say that... "if ye have enough faith"... I hate when God himself has said that!!! It leaves all of us who have put all the faith we can muster into him to doubt ourselves to the very core..... "did I not have faith"? "could I have saved my baby if I had better faith"? did I pray enough? plead enough? read my scriptures enough? maybe I yelled at my kids too much? maybe I should have gone to the temple once a week? What lord? What have I lacked in faith? You know my heart, so what darkness do you see there that has prevented this priesthood blessing from changing this outcome? why should I EVER get a blessing again... whats going to happen is going to happen! God has made proof of that through this!
You know that game they play on the price is right... I think its called "that's too much"... your about to win a car but the way the game is played they have prices up on the bored listed from least to greatest and your supposed to keep going until you have hit the money value you believe is just below the real price of the car... you don't go far enough, you lose the car. you go over the price and you loose the car. You have to guess the price of the car just under retail value! Its Become a sick, twisted reality game show of my life... But its not a car.... its a real life. my babies life. See now Lorenzo and I get to play this game where we have to guess when our babies heart will stop beating... We want to keep this baby in my belly as long as possible to have time to feel it wiggle and move waking me up in the morning, and kick against daddy's prodding hand, and let its brothers and sister feel its silly rhythmic hiccups. We want it to be big enough that it will look more like a baby, something to snuggle and kiss and cuddle for the few precious moments. But then there is the flip side. the longer we wait the more there is a chance that we will never get to hold our baby alive... that possibility is so real anyways... Just like the sick game show we get to guess when "That's too much" when it has been too much time and our baby's heart couldn't take it anymore. But what mother can let go? What mother would intentionally pull out a calendar, point to a date and say "that one"... that's the day I choose to kill my baby by pushing it out of the only thing that will keep it alive, my body. We attempted to have this conversation with the dr and my heart was shattering. If there is a gracious God in heaven at all he will not make me make this decision. He will make my body go into labor before my baby dies.
I hate my life.
I hate my reality
as soon as we got home from the dr Korlen runs in and asks "is the baby still sick" with such hope and excitement in his eyes. I fell apart all over again.
Now is when things get real.... I guess I should be grateful I have time to pull things together and have a funeral the way we want it instead of throwing it together in a few days after the sudden shock of something we had not been planning for... at least I don't have a single baby thing out and ready for a baby that wont be coming home... I imagine that would be much harder. Coming home to an empty nursery all sparkly and new. Washed new clothes and carefully folded blankets. No need to take my favorite outfit to the hospital as the official "going home" outfit. Now we are preparing to say goodbye..... well as Lorenzo keeps reminding me, say "see you later" not goodbye... but to a mothers heart there is no comfort in the tomorrow. There is only the pain of the years to come with empty arms and a broken heart.
In 4 weeks I have gained 20 lbs! That really quite an accomplishment! Its really all belly Im 27 weeks and measuring 36. my stomach is stretching so fast its still painful, and itchy because now my stretch marks have stretch marks... I actually got to witness a stretchmark being born the other day. My skin got really itchy and as I was scratching you could just see the line kind of redden and form before your very eyes. CREEPY!!! Im so swollen all over I hardly recognize my own feet, or face, or hands!
Going in today Lorenzo and I were pretty sure it was going to be the end. With all the swelling and weight gain we though that our dr would say times up and decide to pull the plug. However my blood pressure and urine is still perfect and the weight gain is obviously just water retention. So he said we are still ok to just wait if we want..... What am I supposed to say? "No thanks, im so miserable that I just want to be done" "lets just kill this baby and have it be done with" ..............................
We did an ultrasound of course to see what was going on with the baby and I have to say that I didn't look at first.... I couldn't look.... I wanted to close my eyes and pretend that everything was magically fixed. 4 weeks a miracle could have happened in 4 weeks right.... it developed in 4 weeks it could have fixed itself in 4 weeks... What if I didn't look and it was the last time I got to see my baby actually alive! So eventually.. I looked... and I was shattered... Just like every time... no miracle for my baby. Nothing better just the same slow progression in the wrong direction. Heartbeat still strong still kicking regularly and gets hiccups everyday but the fluid is still getting bigger and bigger....
I feel like such a fool. Where is the faith I had? Where is the peace I felt? Why did I ever hold on to any kind of hope? It was a fools hope. Why did I put so much faith on that priesthood blessing I got that brought me so much comfort? What is the point of a priesthood blessing anyways? Who among you want to tell me the reason I didn't receive the blessings given in it was because I didn't have enough faith? Who among you dare tell me that "Gods will be done" was how things have to be? If it be Gods will, one way or another, what is the point? God has made his decision from the beginning! Whether I was to receive a blessing or not, he has already written this child's path so what was the point? What about the people of this world that don't have the priesthood? God has decided weather their children will live or die even without a blessing. So what is the point. I hate when people say that... "if ye have enough faith"... I hate when God himself has said that!!! It leaves all of us who have put all the faith we can muster into him to doubt ourselves to the very core..... "did I not have faith"? "could I have saved my baby if I had better faith"? did I pray enough? plead enough? read my scriptures enough? maybe I yelled at my kids too much? maybe I should have gone to the temple once a week? What lord? What have I lacked in faith? You know my heart, so what darkness do you see there that has prevented this priesthood blessing from changing this outcome? why should I EVER get a blessing again... whats going to happen is going to happen! God has made proof of that through this!
You know that game they play on the price is right... I think its called "that's too much"... your about to win a car but the way the game is played they have prices up on the bored listed from least to greatest and your supposed to keep going until you have hit the money value you believe is just below the real price of the car... you don't go far enough, you lose the car. you go over the price and you loose the car. You have to guess the price of the car just under retail value! Its Become a sick, twisted reality game show of my life... But its not a car.... its a real life. my babies life. See now Lorenzo and I get to play this game where we have to guess when our babies heart will stop beating... We want to keep this baby in my belly as long as possible to have time to feel it wiggle and move waking me up in the morning, and kick against daddy's prodding hand, and let its brothers and sister feel its silly rhythmic hiccups. We want it to be big enough that it will look more like a baby, something to snuggle and kiss and cuddle for the few precious moments. But then there is the flip side. the longer we wait the more there is a chance that we will never get to hold our baby alive... that possibility is so real anyways... Just like the sick game show we get to guess when "That's too much" when it has been too much time and our baby's heart couldn't take it anymore. But what mother can let go? What mother would intentionally pull out a calendar, point to a date and say "that one"... that's the day I choose to kill my baby by pushing it out of the only thing that will keep it alive, my body. We attempted to have this conversation with the dr and my heart was shattering. If there is a gracious God in heaven at all he will not make me make this decision. He will make my body go into labor before my baby dies.
I hate my life.
I hate my reality
as soon as we got home from the dr Korlen runs in and asks "is the baby still sick" with such hope and excitement in his eyes. I fell apart all over again.
Now is when things get real.... I guess I should be grateful I have time to pull things together and have a funeral the way we want it instead of throwing it together in a few days after the sudden shock of something we had not been planning for... at least I don't have a single baby thing out and ready for a baby that wont be coming home... I imagine that would be much harder. Coming home to an empty nursery all sparkly and new. Washed new clothes and carefully folded blankets. No need to take my favorite outfit to the hospital as the official "going home" outfit. Now we are preparing to say goodbye..... well as Lorenzo keeps reminding me, say "see you later" not goodbye... but to a mothers heart there is no comfort in the tomorrow. There is only the pain of the years to come with empty arms and a broken heart.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Through the mouth of babes
It doesn't surprise me that the lord councils us to "be ye as little children". I feel that I was a way more spiritually led little person then I am today as an adult, before the world had its opportunity to slowly darken my lighthearted mind. Everything is just so matter of fact to a little child. They ask many questions most of which revolve around "WHY" but if you take the time to ask them why something is a certain way, they very simple say "because" and mean it. To a child there is no muddled lines. red is red and green is green, black is black and white is white. There is no grey. There is no kind of right or kind of wrong. The day is the day and the night is the night and its just that way because that's the way it is.
We have told our children what is going on from the beginning and as to be expected Korlen understands and is sad, Tahlae listens for about 2.8 sec and then continues playing seemingly oblivious, and Evelett wasn't listening to begin with. A few days following however I was having a conversation one on one with mr T about how his belly wasn't fat mommies belly is fat to which he said " your belly is fat because you have a big baby in it" "Yes that's right" "yeah but that baby is going to live with Heavenly Father, can I go get a snack"....... I was so stunned it took me a min to respond. I had no idea he was even paying attention. He just said it so matter of fact, like that was just the way thing are supposed to be. Black is black and white is white.
How foolish are we as adults. I had naively thought his mind was too simple to understand something so complex when in reality my mind is too complex to understand something so simple.
Simply that it is what it is. how stupid am I to think that this is complicated to God. He created the heavens and the earth. He created time and space. How naïve I am to try so hard to find the complexity of the why when in reality there is only the simplicity of because.
My children have been such a source of spiritual strength since then. Their little spirits are so profound. They love this baby with the knowledge that they may never get to even see it. They pray daily for its little body.
This morning as I was sitting with Korlen eating his breakfast I asked him "what do you think will happen to this baby after it dies?" he was so sad and I hate asking him things like this but he is so smart and I want to be sure he is as prepared for what is to come as the rest of us... I cant stupidly think he isn't being effected by it. He's 6 and he gets it a lot! this was our conversation
"what do you think will happen to the baby after it dies?"
"I don't know"
"does that scare you"
"kind of"
"where do you think the baby will go"
"to live with heavenly father"
"who do you think will take care of our baby"
"heavenly father and jesus"
" do you think they will take good care of our baby"
"yes they love our baby a lot"
I cant even tell you how much this kills me! It hurts so bad! I cant save them from this experience anymore then I can save this baby....... this hurts so badly! I cant stop his hurt anymore then I can stop my own. I cant stop any of them from feeling what this experience will make them feel and it makes my heart break even more that this could cause them sadness. It brings me such joy to know in many ways they are far wiser then I am. They will probably hurt at some point but their simple minds will also tell them this is the way it is, just because, and I think they will find peace in that. Peace in the knowledge that Their baby is with their God and there is no better person to love them in our stead.
May we all be like little children
We have told our children what is going on from the beginning and as to be expected Korlen understands and is sad, Tahlae listens for about 2.8 sec and then continues playing seemingly oblivious, and Evelett wasn't listening to begin with. A few days following however I was having a conversation one on one with mr T about how his belly wasn't fat mommies belly is fat to which he said " your belly is fat because you have a big baby in it" "Yes that's right" "yeah but that baby is going to live with Heavenly Father, can I go get a snack"....... I was so stunned it took me a min to respond. I had no idea he was even paying attention. He just said it so matter of fact, like that was just the way thing are supposed to be. Black is black and white is white.
How foolish are we as adults. I had naively thought his mind was too simple to understand something so complex when in reality my mind is too complex to understand something so simple.
Simply that it is what it is. how stupid am I to think that this is complicated to God. He created the heavens and the earth. He created time and space. How naïve I am to try so hard to find the complexity of the why when in reality there is only the simplicity of because.
My children have been such a source of spiritual strength since then. Their little spirits are so profound. They love this baby with the knowledge that they may never get to even see it. They pray daily for its little body.
This morning as I was sitting with Korlen eating his breakfast I asked him "what do you think will happen to this baby after it dies?" he was so sad and I hate asking him things like this but he is so smart and I want to be sure he is as prepared for what is to come as the rest of us... I cant stupidly think he isn't being effected by it. He's 6 and he gets it a lot! this was our conversation
"what do you think will happen to the baby after it dies?"
"I don't know"
"does that scare you"
"kind of"
"where do you think the baby will go"
"to live with heavenly father"
"who do you think will take care of our baby"
"heavenly father and jesus"
" do you think they will take good care of our baby"
"yes they love our baby a lot"
I cant even tell you how much this kills me! It hurts so bad! I cant save them from this experience anymore then I can save this baby....... this hurts so badly! I cant stop his hurt anymore then I can stop my own. I cant stop any of them from feeling what this experience will make them feel and it makes my heart break even more that this could cause them sadness. It brings me such joy to know in many ways they are far wiser then I am. They will probably hurt at some point but their simple minds will also tell them this is the way it is, just because, and I think they will find peace in that. Peace in the knowledge that Their baby is with their God and there is no better person to love them in our stead.
May we all be like little children
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